Not knowing how to help DD (23) find her soulmate

[littlemisspigg]

Please help, and be kind to me.
I'm not sure how I can 'help' DD(23) find her life partner. She's looking, but I don't know what advice to give?
My own marriage was quite rather traditional...DH did all the hard work and I just agreed, and it all worked out (luckily) just fine.
Please go easy on me

I think the best things you can do are:

Encourage her to get out there, meet lots of people, have lots of fun. The more experienced she is in the world the better she’ll be at understanding herself and what she wants from life, and figuring out other people.

Teach yourself about healthy relationships and red flags, and ensure she knows this too. Why Does He Do That is a good book to read. If she gets in a relationship which isn’t healthy, support her to leave immediately.

She just needs to go out and live a full and fulfilling life, learn who she is and how she likes to live. Then if she meets someone who makes her already good life even better, she’ll want to pursue a relationship. But nobody needs to be in a couple to have a good life. God knows there’s enough evidence on this forum of how bad relationships can make your life utterly miserable. I’d concentrate on living your own life for you, not trying to live your daughter’s on her behalf.

She’s 23… why on earth does she need a life partner?! What’s the hurry?

The best thing you can do for her, at this age, is to encourage her to know her own self-worth. Her future relationships are likely to be much happier if she understands the importance of choosing a man who values and respects her.

Unless you live in a culture where arranged marriage is the norm, this is really NOT your job.

Listen, empathise, spend more time with her if she's feeling lonely. Otherwise do not get involved.

Exactly. Nobody can help with this not even a mother. Not everyone finds their 'soulmate' anyway. I'm not sure that's even a thing.

Support her own efforts to build her self esteem above all else. That's what you can do.

I’ve told my daughters to go and have fun when they’re young. Ideally, I wouldn’t want them to settle down that young. I want them to see that they’re okay on their own and that relationships are there because you want them not need them.

I find it quite loving that you want to help. Life partners really come from anywhere in life. The advice you can give her is to try and enjoy her life and simply ‘stop looking’.

Teach her to be an independent woman and not a passive side character agreeing with whatever a man says because he happens to show interest.

It's so important that our daughters are given the strength and confidence to know their worth and not settle or accept just because they're 'supposed' to do certain things.
A relationship isn't a measure of her worth- make sure she knows that! Creeps and violent men will latch on to insecurities

My mum.was similar to you, she had a big kind hard and tried to suggest evening clases etc which I tried a few times but no luck I went off and tired internet dating and that worked out alright. I'm sure you mean well, but sometimes life will happen and you can only support your daughter in her choices. 😁

Agree with all the advice already given.
Encourage her to socialise and meet lots of people - but she’ll either be doing this already, or isn’t the kind of person who enjoys socialising with lots of people. As mothers, we can’t really influence this!

Meeting a partner is a numbers game. Believing in 1 soul mate is crazy and can only lead to disappointment. For every 10 people we meet, potentially 1 of them might be a great partner. Friends of mine who have struggled to find a partner in their 30s - it’s often because they don’t meet enough new people. But not really something to worry about at age 23.

Don't do it, Mrs Bennett.

If she is struggling with personal issues around confidence etc some counselling is helpful so she is strong in herself. This will prevent her falling for the first guy who pays her attention.
Otherwise, travel, sport, building friendships with a variety of people, living away from home, enjoying her career are all things that will strengthen her and stand to her as she goes on. The more things she is involved in the more chances she has of meeting a variety of guys one of whom she may fall for.
Talking about a soul mate can encourage fantasy which most guys won't live up to.

At 23 I had a 4 year old with my 'soul mate'
He turned out to be an overbearing violent arsehole.
I married my real soul mate at 35.
DS found his soul mate at 28. She has loads of time yet!

I would also explain there is no such thing as soul mate. The world has many people we are suited too as life partners. It just which one you meet first when the time is right. 23 is young. She should be concentrating on her career and having fun. If she has a positive outlook on life and is relaxed about dating, it will happen much sooner than if she is making it a priority, if anything that will have the opposite effect

Support her to have life experiences that expand her world and nurture her passions. Would she like to do any further education? Move to a new place she’s always dreamed of? Go travelling for a year? The more life experiences she has, the more she sees of the world, the more on a course she is to pursue her dreams, the more likely she’ll be to bump into the right person.

Oh good grief, get a grip

This.

She's so young. Filling young people's heads with fairytales of "the one" and "soul mates" keeps them from recognising and appreciating the wonderful diverse relationships, opportunities and experiences that life has to offer. Encourage her to have a good relationship with herself before anything else.

Given we do not have 'souls', finding a mate for one is challenging.
Let your child live her own life
She is 23; too young to be thinking about settling down, too old for a parent to be matchmaking

Engage in life and don’t go looking for a soulmate.
i think it’s a numbers and exposure game

Leave her alone. Let her go out and have fun and learn who she is. Career, nights out, friends.

Firstly, girls settle down with a partner much later now, so 23 is young and there’s no need to think about that now.

Secondly, it sounds like you place value on a woman only as an adjunct to a man. A woman doesn’t need a man (or woman) to be complete. Pushing her to find a ‘life partner’ suggests she’s not worth as much without one.

The human brain isn’t fully developed until 25. Teach her resilience, confidence and independence. Encourage her to explore the things she loves; to travel; to volunteer; to meet new friends; and to find her place in life as herself not as an add-on to someone else. She’s then more likely to meet someone she gels with later on and to choose well.

? This is something your daughter can only do for herself. Do you belong to a culture where parents get involved?

PS she's too young for a soulmate anyway, not that there is such a thing.

Because she's her mother and want her to be happy?

Teach her resilience, confidence and independence.

But the OP has made it very clear that she doesn’t possess these qualities herself. She’s quite happy with her life - but she cannot teach what she doesn’t know.