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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unsure how to handle DH

110 replies

unsurewhattodowithdh · 27/09/2024 18:26

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

OP posts:

Motnight · 27/09/2024 18:32

Make something for yourself, you're hungry.

Let your husband make his own food when he comes in. Tell him how you feel. You aren't going to be able to carry on much longer carrying all the load.

FupaTrooper · 27/09/2024 18:33

YANBU and you deserve consideration and support.

Depression can be an incredibly selfish illness which negatively affects everyone around you.
In my experience women seem to get on with it and soldier through even when at breaking point... whereas men tend to become very tunnel visioned and unable to see the wider picture or take into account what you are going through.

My honest advice would be to still love and support him, but take a step back. Conserve your emotional energy. Set boundaries.

If he sits in the car, he can eat cold food or cook for himself. He can organise his own things.

You don't need to be mothering two humans right now and it will be no good for your baby if he is depressed and you completely burn yourself out.

I have personal experience with this and actually, me taking a step back gave him a kick up the bum. I didn't realise how much he was using me as an emotional crutch and it probably made it all go on longer than it would have otherwise.

He sounds like he may also need to go on medication to help with this, if he really is unable to cope.

Gettingannoyednow · 27/09/2024 18:35

Honestly? Forget about him for now. You have to prioritise your baby and your own basic needs.

LittleMG · 27/09/2024 18:37

I think he’s shirking he’s duty op. What would happen if you were both checking out like that. He can be depressed but he needs to do it indoors and watch the baby while he’s doing it so u can make dinner. I think he’s taking advantage. Sitting in the car isn’t doing him any good either, he needs to come in and be with his family.

IceStationZebra · 27/09/2024 18:37

If he is struggling so much he should be signed off work. Depression is a horrible illness but PPs are right, he does not get to check out of family life.

ginasevern · 27/09/2024 18:38

Another depressed man checking out of responsibilities. Leave him to sit in the car and get yourself something to eat. Don't mother him.

loropianalover · 27/09/2024 18:38

Does he sit outside work in the car and not go in?

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 18:41

Is he getting any treatment for this?

Cook for both of you and stick his on a plate. Text him and tell him you are cooking then it's up to him.

But you can't go on like this, he's being very selfish.

PashaMinaMio · 27/09/2024 18:46

Can you make food for 2 as usual. Plate his up and he can reheat in microwave or, the old fashioned way, over a saucepan of hot water with foil over the dinner plate.
Just ignore the attention seeking twit sitting in his car. What a cop out.
All us mums would like to plead depression and bunk off responsibilities. He needs proper counselling which I read as ongoing, medication and a back bone.

Notimeforaname · 27/09/2024 18:52

Yes cook once and leave it there. Or he can make his own.

He is not taking any of the load. So you tell him until he can help the family, he must look after himself . You have yourself and a baby to look after , you cannot do everything for three people !!!

theentireroom · 27/09/2024 19:06

Surely he wouldn’t eat anyway if he is that depressed.

MangoAndLimeNandos · 27/09/2024 19:08

Just because YOU got on with things whilst depressed it doesn’t diminish what he’s going through. He’s struggling and you try to say you are sympathising with him etc but it doesn’t sound like it.

Zanatdy · 27/09/2024 19:10

Look after yourself and eat. He needs to get signed off and get support, but like most men he wont get on with the housework and childcare, like you had to. If he complains then i’d be asking him where your support was

Skyrainlight · 27/09/2024 19:55

Get him to speak to the GP. Antidepressants can make a huge difference and the GP can offer him talking therapy.

Skyrainlight · 27/09/2024 19:58

Wow, just reading some of the comments here. Clearly these people have no idea about depression. OP I'd be very wary of listening to some of these comments. He needs help, help him to get it.

Bigparrot · 27/09/2024 20:23

YANBU to be struggling. It is hard to do this on your own!

But do not let him take your joy of your long awaited baby. You can offer to help him but he will only sort himself out when he wants to. Your job is to look after yourself and your little one. And that is such a lot! Don't feel like you have to take responsibility for him too.

My partner was similar and I was determined not to let it get to me. I did nice things with my baby and tried to make happy memories. It really helped to get out to a baby group and speak to other people. Seeing my parents and friends excited about my baby was so needed after feeling like my partner couldn't care less.
I hope you have some support outside your partner.
I hope you and your baby can have some nice times together and you can enjoy them being so little.

YellowRoom · 27/09/2024 20:28

This is a massively fucked up situation where you're looking after a small baby and you're hungry but your biggest concern is your DH who is sitting in the fucking car whilst you struggle.

Bantai · 27/09/2024 20:34

Funny how often when men become depressed they can work but absolutely no more, certainly no housework or childcare.
Women just limp on somehow and do it all....
How he behaved when YOU were depressed says SO much.

OP, please protect yourself.
Can you go and stay with family?
If you can, do it.
Do not hesitate.
You are so vulnerable.
He will be ok, he is used to putting himself first, as per when you were depressed...he will manage.

You however need to mind yourself as your baby is so dependent on you.
Please seek support and put yourself first.

TemuSpecialBuy · 27/09/2024 20:39

Motnight · 27/09/2024 18:32

Make something for yourself, you're hungry.

Let your husband make his own food when he comes in. Tell him how you feel. You aren't going to be able to carry on much longer carrying all the load.

This.

sitting in the fucking car outside for an hour is ridiculous.
he could sit in the house and hold the baby.
I’d have lost my mind by now putting up with this arseholery,

stop cooking, washing his clothes cleaning his dishes and whatever other nonsense you are doing for him.
look after your baby and yourself.
the very least he can do is sort himself out.

he needs to get it together or leave you to get on with it.

I feel incredibly sorry for you that he is doing this to you at the one of the hardest most vulnerable times of your life. It’s utterly selfish.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 27/09/2024 20:45

Look after yourself and your baby first and foremost. You can't look after your baby if you're not looking after yourself.

You can support him, but not to the detriment of everything and everyone around you.

As a pp said selfishness can sometimes go hand I hand with depression.

I had terrible anxiety and with it some mild depression just after I had my first dd. My dh was next to useless. Didn't even bother reading stuff I sent him on anxiety and he just stuck his head in the sand. About 10 years later he started having anxiety attacks and was also diagnosed with depression, and our worlds stopped. Dd and I had to tip toe around him, had to shoulder all the housework, clubs, food shops, cooking all whilst holding down a full time job. I was so pissed off about it and really resented him. I tried to be sympathetic and supportive, but it was so hard when he expected the moon on a stick and wouldn't even give me a shoulder to cry on when it was me.

We divorced a few years later and I know that my resentment was one of a few reasons we are now divorced.

napody · 27/09/2024 20:48

Get a good baby carrier and make him take walks with the baby. You need a break.

RuleForFire · 27/09/2024 20:49

MangoAndLimeNandos · 27/09/2024 19:08

Oh boo fucking hoo. He has a child. How many women suffering with depression get to just sit in their car and ignore their responsibilities?

Patienceinshortsupply · 27/09/2024 20:49

In the nicest way, stop trying to fix him. Only he and medical professionals can do that. Focus on your tiny baby, make the most of this very special time with them, and to a degree, stop enabling his selfishness.

I'm bloody sick of the words mental health, far too many people are using them to excuse arsehole behaviour. If he can function enough to hold a job down, he can hold the baby for half an hour and give you a break.

PennyApril54 · 27/09/2024 20:50

Skyrainlight · 27/09/2024 19:55

Get him to speak to the GP. Antidepressants can make a huge difference and the GP can offer him talking therapy.

Definitely this. It sounds like he could benefit from medication if he isn't taking any at the moment, and if he is some can take a while to work but when they do they can make a huge difference . I know supporting someone with depression is so hard. It's important to take care of yourself. just take each day/ hour as it comes. Things will get better.

Sepoctnov · 27/09/2024 20:53

He's not that depressed if he's getting up and going off to work.

Just ignore him for now. Focus on looking after yourself and the new baby. How old are your other DC?

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