Unsure how to handle DH

[unsurewhattodowithdh]

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

I've got depression and I'm medicated for it but even before that point I couldn't opt out of family life and being part of a team. I did things less efficiently but I was suffering. Sorry if I haven't been thorough with the post reading as I've only just stumbled upon this but a trip to gp and meds could be a good next step? I've lost family members to suicide due to depression so might run in family. It's a shit thing to have. My spouse is understanding and I keep talking to him rather than withdrawing. I took the decision to get help however. Your DH needs to do the same for everyone's sake.

This sounds awful but it is a little bit true as well - some men, especially while struggling, also struggle with realising they’re not No1 priority at home any more when baby finally materialises in the world. Not just an idea any more, they’re here and they need everything doing for them.
There, I said it! But if he’s sitting in his car, he’s not trying anywhere near hard enough while you struggle on trying to do it al. Do not cook twice. Like others have said, take a step back from his care before you burn yourself out. He’s an adult and needs to get help (esp. if he had traumatic upbringing) and/or medication, or change his job. You can’t do everything.

Exactly this.
The OP isn't her husband's support person, and
I bet that her own depression has to do a lot with the way he conducts himself.
Interesting how depressed women find a way to get on with it (former one here) and men just ....
Ugh.
😐😡

Ive come up to bed with baby now, he finally came back in just as I posted so I’ve only just read the replies and I’m a bit choked up. I thought you’d all be telling me how awful I am for feeling like this.

He won’t go on medication because he takes other medication for a health condition that he would be worried wouldn’t work well together, which I understand. He’s already started counselling to address some of the family issues, but it’s early days yet. He is trying to sort himself out and he is going through a lot.

I think the thing I’m finding hardest is he just doesn’t seem to care about DD at all. And he could help me so much with her by doing hardly anything and he just won’t. I don’t know how he can sit downstairs while DD is crying up here because I’ve had to put her down to set the bedroom up for our bedtime routine - if he just held her for those few minutes she wouldn’t have to cry. Or better yet, set the bedroom up. It wouldn’t matter how I was feeling, I couldn’t not hold a crying baby. If I give her to him, he’ll hold her but he won’t interact with her so she’ll cry and then he’ll say she hates him.

Would it be cruel of me if he said he didn’t want to go out at the weekend, to leave him at home and take DD out by myself for an hour or two? Even though he doesn’t like being on his own?

He doesn't like you leaving him alone but he can sit in the car by himself for over an hour? Love, he's playing you like a violin.

I strongly suggest building YOU a support network because this doesn't sound like a man who wants to help himself very much. We've all got childhood trauma in some ways, I could write a book about my parents god awful behaviour but I'm not inflicting that onto my kids. And neither should he be.

He needs to speak to a GP IMMEDIATELY and get on antidepressants or have dose adjusted if already on them. He cannot be like this when you have a baby together. Not fair on you or him or the baby.

Apart from that, you matter too- focus on you and the baby as much as you can.

Of course it wouldn't be cruel!! Go out or you'll both be depressed!

He NEEDS to go to GP as there may well be medication he can take along his existing one.

He's also being a dick. He's depressed but he's still being a dick. The two things can be true.

Cruel of you?! No it wouldn’t be cruel, you sound lovely.

Christ, depressed or not he sounds hard work.
He seems very self absorbed to me.
Has he actually asked the GP if there’s a medical reason why he can’t go on medication? I’m sure they could monitor him or put him on something that wouldn’t interact with his other medication.
Or is it that he just doesn’t want to go on anything..

Just look after you & DD and let him get on with it if he won’t help himself.
He could’ve gone for a run or something while he was sat in his car.
As someone else said, would he sit in his car at work and not go in..🤔

Lots of people take anti depressants alongside other medication. He really needs to give it a go.

What? You can't go out because he doesn't want to be left alone! That is very worrying - he's controlling you.

The description of how he treats your DD is so sad.

I've always been amazed at how many men become "depressed" once a baby is born and all the attention isn't on them anymore, and shocker, they're now expected to pitch in and do their share when they used to just sit on their arse and be catered to. Interesting how that happens. *insert eye roll here

Depression is a grim illness and in a different league from feeling low. It needs to be treated. He must see his GP.

But him being ill does not mean you cease to be important and have valid needs of your own. You cannot mother him out of this - he needs proper treatment.

Getting people to accept treatment is very hard I know - I have been where you are. But you cannot take responsibility for making him better any more than you could mend his broken leg.

You need to google ‘over responsibility’ and think about getting yourself some psychotherapy.

You’re not responsible for him and you don’t need him to ‘help you’ with the baby, that is his baby, he’s not helping you

He doesn't want to be left alone with a baby.

He can still outside alone in his car perfectly well, though, can't he?

Do either if you have parents nearby that can come to help (with DH i mean)?

Is he pressuring you to keep it quiet at all? You really need support with this.

As OP my heart goes out to you. And to your dh. Especially when you've waited so long for a baby. I've been in both your places tbh. I've been very depressed but also had an ex who had depression. It's so frustrating and difficult for both of you. Being depressed myself sometimes what helped me was a bit of tough love. Depression is selfish it's true. Someone gave me tough love once and even though it hurt at the time it did jolt me into trying to help myself rather than wallowing so much. Having an ex who was depressed a lot - I used to go out just me and the baby or children. I wanted to enjoy her they are babies for such a short time so try not to feel guilty about wanting to make the most of every minute. And being around people who are excited to see the baby is ok and good for you. Your dh needs to discuss medication with his gp and not make his own decisions about what medication combinations he can or can't take. There's usually some combination that will work: if I were you I'd take a bit of a step back. And what would happen if you forced him to hold the baby. Just hand her over. And go upstairs?

There is a lot of medical expertise on drug interactions. Has he actually been told by any medical professional that there is a problem with taking antidepressants with his current medication? If he is just thinking there might be a problem without finding out, I'd be out of sympathy. The idea that you should stay home with him at the weekends being miserable just gives me rage on your behalf. You are not meant to be his skivy and mental health worker while he explores childhood traumas and skulks about the place. He might be depressed but he is certainly selfish and thoughtless. If my husband came in after sitting in the car for an hour while I'd been looking after a baby all day on my own having decimated my career because he wont lift a finger round the house, my first impulse would not be to have a warm dinner for him. I think you need to get a lot more selfish about what you need and expect.

Unless he's a pharmacist he doesn't get to say he can't take antidepressants with his existing meds, it's an excuse. He needs to get to the GP.

And you need to take care of yourself. Take some time and see some other people, you need and deserve that.

Would it be cruel of me if he said he didn’t want to go out at the weekend, to leave him at home and take DD out by myself for an hour or two? Even though he doesn’t like being on his own?

Absolutely not.
he is apparently fine sitting in his car on his own... tell him to sit there and do your own thing.

You need to find your anger or at least prioritise yourself.
He is robbing you of this time with your baby - you will never get this time back.
Go to baby classes, sign up for peanut and make some local mum friends. Do whatever you want and go wherever.
Do not let him control you and trap you in your house.

I'd also point out to him that a medical professional is better qualified to tell him what he can and cant take. ALL antidepressants arent incompatible with heart conditions...

Do you have any family or froends who can help or support you or just provide some relief from him???

What the other posters are saying could be very true as well. Men can become depressed after the baby is born. Sounds like he needs medication. Is he not going to be so sad that he is missing these precious precious weeks/months of his baby's life . For me medication just helps me want to do stuff. Like talking a walk etc. when you're v depressed you can't do things but the meds help get you out of that rut. He needs an appt asap. And yes you're his partner not his mental health Counsellor. Poor you it's very hard

She's got a 4 month old baby and works ffs. She's got no more capacity.

And you appear to have no idea about having a young baby and working. She has no more capacity to help him. If she falls apart who is going to look after the baby. Yes he's important. But so is she and ultimately the BABY comes first.

A few practical suggestions for you lovely

Buy some nice ready meals. Ideally something you can eat with one hand. Ease the burden of cooking and washing up for a while.

Know that it's OK to put baby down, and for baby to cry, while you take 5 mins to wash, toilet, cook, eat etc. Baby will be OK. You need time for you too.

If it ever stops raining, get out with baby for a walk and some fresh air. It will do you the world of good. Husband can come with you, or not, his choice.

If he's so depressed that he can't face coming into the family home on an evening - he needs serious help. Same as if he had a physical condition that was stopping him from parenting - he'd seek help right ? I'd be inclined to give him an ultimatum - take some steps (with your support) towards getting treatment for his depression or take it elsewhere as you do not have the resources to look after both him and a small baby.