Unsure how to handle DH

[unsurewhattodowithdh]

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

If your uk see if your local area has something called Andy man club is usually found on Facebook is a group for men to talk through mental health etc without women there so they open up more ,I told my neighbour about it last year as he was depressed he said was better than going doctors ,as he was around others who are going through it and others that have gone through it and offer real advise ,hope this helps .

Bingo.

DH did similar after our first was born. I treated it as though he had PND. I spoke to my GP and when they were checking if I was OK (I was) I said that I thought mt DH had PND. Dr was great, and said it's more common that you'd think. I told DH that we had a newborn and that he needed to see the Dr because I wasn't able to help him. He was opposed, I said I couldn't cope with the both of them and that baby would win at the moment. He didn't believe he had anything that could be fixed by a doctor and the Dr would send him away. I agreed that if the Dr did, I would abide by Dr diagnosis as long as he was honest and as long as he accept what the Dr said if they agreed with me that he needed help. Dr agreed with me, DH reluctantly had anti depressants and CBT. Many years later he is glad I pushed him into getting help and he advises anyone who will listen to him that they should respect their partner's opinion if they suggest help.

I haven't read all of these replies but the PP who said he can't be depressed if he is going to work , is talking nonsence! loads of people can hold it together for works and then fall apart as soon as they get home.

This.

Just crack on with what you need to do and don't expend your precious resources on him for any more than you absolutely need to. Your main priorities are your little one and the mother they need.

I would tell him YOU have to have support and that means creating a support network for HIM. You can’t shoulder this on your own. GP appointment, a friend to take him out for lunch or a pint, assistance through work. It’s incredibly difficult to parent on your own, and frustrating when you actually have a SO who for whatever reason is not present for you.

Im so sorry you’re in this situation. Depression is awful but he needs to do more to address it and a anxiety that meds he already takes might hypothetically interact with antidepressants is not reasonable under these circumstances. I’m a psychiatrist and there will be a medication that will be safe to take alongside whatever he’s on now. In his position id be much more worried about you burning out and him failing to form a relationship with his child than maybe possibly some side effects. I’m sure a medical professional could work with him to find something that is safe and tolerable to him.

Just to be clear - he wouldn’t say I couldn’t go out. But he wouldn’t have to say anything for me to know his preference would be for me to keep him company. He might want to go out, but one weekend he didn’t and if he says that this week I just can’t face the idea of being cooped up all day.

I do have support in my family and best friend. My family do their best to support him too but he doesn’t have a lot from his side.

I know I can’t fix it for him, I’m honestly partly just scared to death as well. I lost a close family member to suicide a few years ago and Im terrified of losing DH the same way. I think that’s why I’ve probably been pandering to him a bit too much.

@unsurewhattodowithdh
He won’t go on medication because he takes other medication for a health condition that he would be worried wouldn’t work well together, which I understand.
Is he consultant psychiatrist,vor pharmacist, does he have a medical degree?
If not he needs to see a registered professional (not a counsellor, who are fine for talking through/exploring life issues, but aren't qualified to deal with medication reviews or deliver evidence based psychological therapies). A GP or specialist can help with medication and appropriate therapy. You can't fix this for him, but you can decide on your boundaries and support reasonable steps to recovery.

A-fucking-men!
Sorry OP, but you've had a child with a man who is (a) not able to be a parent ( not necessarily his fault, depending on what is wrong with him) and (b) is dragging you down with his problems.

He has a child. If he can't muck in with the parenting, he should at least try not to be a drain on you.

Oh, and - from experience - I suspect another woman on the horizon.

So, please stop centring his feelings and start looking out for yourself and your baby. Soneone has to.

you have to put yourself and DD first and you have to tell him, you will go out. But you also have to tell him you will support him get better. you can do both.

With my DH he would have gone on forever like this if I hadn't pushed him to get help.

I thought another women too. Is he sat in his car just staring into space for an hour?
I’d start to detach tbh. Put yourself and DD first.

But if HE didn't support her while she was very depressed, don't you think that has coloured her views about how she should act for him? Why should SHE support him?

This.

This!

Great post

I wonder if I wrote this! The first year with baby wasn’t the exciting time I expected it to be. It sounded similar to yours OP, but I was the one with family drama, not DH, on top of everything else. The phase, ‘everything changes’ is such an understatement. I took it one day at a time and now my DD is a toddler and it is very different to the first year.

Oh for gods sake, he can't take anti depressants because he's worried about drug interactions?! This is a man doing everything he can to not get help. To keep you absolutely dancing to his tune and pandering to his every whim - while he fucks off to work for long hours, and when he is at home he is refusing to touch the baby and is sucking your energy with long talks about how dreadful he is feeling!

Don't let him suck the joy out of this time - you don't have to put up with this.

His first priority should be you and the baby. If he's that bad he should be off work and putting all his time and energy into housework and child rearing. If he's working long hours that means I expect he could do a good 8 hrs a day of housework and childcare.

I'm being a bit facetious but this sounds like 100% self diagnosed depression which is being used as a stick to beat OP with. I've never heard of depression that prevents you from touching a baby or being alone EXCEPT for when you are sitting in your car.

If it's real then he needs to go to the GP, find an anti-depressant that works with his existing medication. Get signed off from work and chip in at home.

And you absolutely need to get out of the house, with or without baby. Every day and at the weekend.

Make some mum friends and get some support.

I don’t know how he can sit downstairs while DD is crying up here because I’ve had to put her down to set the bedroom up for our bedtime routine - if he just held her for those few minutes she wouldn’t have to cry. Or better yet, set the bedroom up

I don’t disagree that your DH is being a selfish twat. You need to prioritise yourself and the baby. However, you are showing some pretty unhealthy behaviour as well. Babies cry. They just do. Trying to tie yourself, and everyone else in knots so they don’t cry is not healthy. It will in no way hurt your baby to cry while you put them down to set up your bedroom, given this takes a standard amount of time and not hours. If you had other children, a toddler etc then sometimes they have the immediate need and baby has to cry for a bit, all normal, no harm done whatsoever. Being less tense about this aspect will likely benefit yourself and DH.

Fuck that.

Sorry, I've all the sympathy and empathy in the world for those suffering with depression, I've experienced it myself and been around it. Grief at the same time. It is not an excuse to detach from family life and leave your partner, quite literally, holding the baby!

My DH had an awful accident several years back. Thrown off a horse and ruined his hip. He was off work for a long time even though it wasn't a physical job. The pain was awful, he was so, so depressed. He still got on with family life. He still parented and did what he could around the house (usually 50/50, but this would have been unreasonable then). He can walk okay now but still has bad pain flares, and it absolutely upsets him when he has to walk with a cane. He's not pouting about it in the fucking car while I'm inside being Mary Poppins.

Your DH obviously needs help, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. But he also needs a kick up the arse because you cannot do all of this on your own. Well, you could but you shouldn't have to! Ridiculous that he won't even spend time with his baby! Jesus Christ.

OP, you sound like a very lovely person. To me, you do sound sympathetic and are trying to keep everything together for your family whilst your DH sorts out his mental health (with your encouragement).

However, I agree with the posts saying put yourself and your baby first. Go out when you want to, it is good for you and the baby. Meet friends and family without DH when you want. Absolutely do not cook twice! Make one big pot of something he can reheat, and freeze some of it for another time (once the baby starts weaning, you don't want to be preparing 3 separate meals!). Your DH also needs a GP to work out which medications are best.

Keeping your own wellbeing is a priority and is best for your DH and baby. My family lived with my depressed sibling for years. It was absoluutely draining as we pandered to it - mostly because said family member accused us of being unsupportive if we so much as went for a meal out even if they didn't want to join us. I firmly believe it caused the depression in my DM too. I don't want this to be you or your little one in the future.

It does sound a tiny bit like your husband has conjured up a mental illness because he’s competing for your attention. Sitting in the car could just be childish attention seeking. I would start acting like a single mother and rely on him just for monetary support. Please don’t let him draw your attention away from your baby, you will look back with so much sadness and resentment that you didn’t see through his crap earlier and allowed him to rob you of this special time as a mother.

Also worth considering, if you stop giving him attention for being depressed he’ll come up with some other ailment to grab your attention with, maybe he’ll decide he’s been sexually abused as a kid or something. I sound cold hearted but I’ve been in your situation and watched my partner cycle through attention seeking tactics to see which one works the best.

Having a father and husband who is mentally coping and able to help is putting the baby first. Especially as all I am suggesting is booking him a GP appointment for medication and getting them to refer him for talking therapies. It literally takes the burden off OP to get him professional help.

I’ve done this. Sometimes depression is so exhausting and so overwhelming I’d need to sit in the car for an hour to get the energy to go In the house after driving home.

FWIW I wasn’t shirking anything. I lived alone.

Has he spoken to the GP about the medications and if they are safe together ?

Don’t believe what he says about that, he might just not want to take antidepressants, which is his choice but you don’t have to live with it if he makes this choice.

if he has an Employee Assistance Program, there is FREE counselling, it is completely confidential and that covers YOU also. You can call them confidentially and privately and you can get support too for yourself because he is looking after himself first. You are left holding the baby.

And I am also picking up ‘other woman’ vibes. I think there is more going on here, I hope he goes to the GP and talks to them this week. You can’t fix it. Try to enjoy your baby and focus on that joy if you can.
Good luck x x