Unsure how to handle DH

[unsurewhattodowithdh]

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

Definitely step back. Stop accommodating him. Tell him he will have to see GP/get counselling for his depression. He is destroying your early days and memories with your baby.
Make yourself a sandwich and leave him to cook for himself.
If the house is a mess who cares.
A lot of men act up like this with a new baby because they resent not being the centre of attention any more. You need to make it clear you only have the energy to look after the baby right now.

It's totally normal for a new mum to feel stressed when their baby cries and to want support to minimise that happening.

Whether he's depressed or not, he sounds very manipulative and not particularly pleasant to be around.

You're spending your evening talking to your husband on the phone while he sulks in the car outside, to the point where you're not even cooking yourself meals? And he's manipulating you into staying in all the time too?

Honestly, fuck him.

However you decide to move forward with your husband, please remember that you are the one doing all the caring for your baby, and as such, you MUST look after yourself. You will not be able to effectively care for your baby if you sink into this depression with your husband.

So eat when you're hungry, get out for fresh air and exercise. Do nice things for yourself. It might mean some practical changes now. Make sure you have plenty of easy snacks, ready meals to hand. See if a family member can take baby for a few hours a week to give you a moment to breathe. Talk to friends and family about how you feel.

Definitely push antidepressants. When he's able to listen, tell him how you felt last night. Try and make him understand the effect it's having on you, and ask him why he won't help with the baby.

Would it be cruel of me if he said he didn’t want to go out at the weekend, to leave him at home and take DD out by myself for an hour or two? Even though he doesn’t like being on his own?

As others have said, he's fine alone in the car.

Your baby would probably love some fresh air and outside scenery. It might help her sleep later too.

I would suggest that you contact his GP surgery. They won't share any medical information BUT you can put them in the picture and share your concerns. If you ring them, they'll give you an email address or you may be able to fill a contact form out online. I did this when my Dad first fell ill and they were brilliant, got him in under the pretense of a medication review and went from there. If he's worried about medication interacting, then he needs to know about alternatives and I'd question how he found this out too ie from a qualified Doctor and not Doctor Google.

You can support him without enabling him to carry on like this, if that makes sense. And if you are scared about suicide, then that's all the more reason to get help on board asap. I really feel for you, life's hard enough with a newborn baby let alone coping with this on top.

OP has already helped him to get counselling. She is doing everything in the house and everything with the baby, as well as working a few hours a week.

What else do you expect her to do?

Gently, OP, stop making excuses for him and giving reasons for his behaviour. Look after yourself, merrily stroll past the car with your dd, go for a walk, go to a baby group/to see your family, get on with it. He prefers you to be in the house with him smacks of control, you need to get out, he needs to see a doctor. If he won’t help himself, why should you? I have little sympathy (been through it with a depressed/bipolar family member) when they won’t help themselves. Look after yourself and your baby. Access as much support for yourself as you can from family and friends.

He really should discuss medication with his GP they will be able to ger specialist advice if required.

There are a number of options that can be prescribed alongside other medications.

I really think you should get out with the baby over the weekend even if he doesn't want to.

You are doing a fantastic job. You need to focus on meeting your needs so you don't burn out. DH needs to take some personal responsibility and do what ever he can to improve his depression

I agree with this. At the rate that Op is going she will end up properly physically and mentally ill. She can't take on anything more.

Thank you again for all the replies.

We did end up going out yesterday, but this morning he isn’t getting out of bed, he just keeps saying “I’m finding life really hard at the minute.”

Ive come downstairs to nurse the baby but I just feel completely lost, I have no idea what to do or say.

He’s seeing his therapist tomorrow, I’ve encouraged him to tell her that if he hasn’t already. But aside from that I’ve no idea. I brought up medication again but he is still against it and I can’t really argue with him over it, I don’t want to say what the condition is as it could be outing but he won’t even take paracetamol or drink alcohol in case it messes with it.

Is the therapist virtual or in person?

Being around people and doing things can be exhausting with depression. He probably just needs today to recover.

I would just leave him in bed and get on with your day, to be honest. Don't let him manipulate you into staying home or giving up your life for him.

I've had depression and have every sympathy for someone struggling, but you don't get to use your struggles to control other people. He doesn't get to tell you what to do with your day - just let him be.

I have been in your position. The baby is nearly 11 now and we are all on the other side of it .
Whilst everything is ok now it definitely has chipped away something of our relationship. I felt very let down.

Priorities you and the baby. Confide in some friends whom you can trust. Build a life of your own.

Then go from there..

Good luck op, hope it all works out ok x

I am so sorry you are going through this op. I have lived through a period when my dh had depression. It was so difficult, and so tempting to get angry with him and want him to pull himself together. And I didn’t have a new baby to cope with!
But I worked in mental health. The term “depression “ gets used to describe many sets of circumstances.Sometimes people are very low and stressed, sometimes they are very unhappy with their life, sometimes they are checking out from responsibilities. But - when its what I would call “clinical” depression people can have little or no control over what is happening to them and it can be impossible to continue normal life or react in the usual way to people you love. It’s a horrible illness but many people have no real understanding of it or how it differs from more “ normal” reactions to difficult circumstances.
No one on this forum can know from the information you have given what category your husband is in. So some of the replies you’ve had here are potentially quite dangerous.
I do agree that you need to prioritise yourself and your baby. And I completely get your frustration. But your husband needs to see the GP and you need to continue to try to be supportive and encourage him to talk about his feelings. And check that he’s not thinking about harming himself.
You know him - you are the best person to judge whether this is illness or difficult behaviour. Other posters don’t know him and have their own predudices affecting their replies to you no matter how helpful they are trying to be( same with me) .

I know you won’t want to do this OP but in some respects he’d be better moving out, at least then you wouldn’t be holding onto the hope that he would step up.

I’ve seen this happen too many times with men and young children. I’m not saying his depression isn’t real but they fail to see how under pressure their partner is to pick up all of the pieces with a young baby and seen to sometimes wallow in their own misery as a way of getting out of stepping up. It always always ends up being at the detriment of the woman who is trying to keep a baby alive and also not burn herself out.

Honestly, I would find it hard not to hate him right now. You're doing too much. Stop. You are not responsible for another adult, he needs to sort himself out. And his behaviour and lack of care towards your daughter is completely and utterly unforgivable.

There is helping and then there is enabling. By pussyfooting around him, doing everything for him and baby, not pulling him up on his horrible selfishness, you are enabling him to just check out of all responsibilities.

You are not awful, you are wonderful and an absolute hero. But this cannot continue, depression or not, he can pull his weight around the house or leave.

All the people saying he is selfish... no wobder men don't speak up about their mental health.

Not everyone can get on with it when depressed. Sometimes it is absolutely debilitating and you only can do so much masking or none. Conversing with others, showering, making a brew can feel like climbing a mountain covered in lava and despair.

What he needs is support and to seek real help. See a GP for some support or meds and get on a waiting list.

Ive been one to mask and arrive home and feel 'stuck' in the car. My other half comes out sots in with me and is like hiya! Are we sitting here for a bit.

Yes he has responsibilties and that is to try to get better. For better or for worse remember

@Nothanks17 - did you miss the bit where he didn't give OP a single bit of support or care when she was in the same position?

That's why he's being criticised.

@nothanks17 Did you miss the bit about how he won't go on medication?

Not everyone can get on with it when depressed
It can feel like that.
But when you're responsible for other people, eg when you have young children, you don't have a choice. I've been clinically depressed; still had to listen to my kids, make dinner, run baths, do their laundry etc. My own personal care suffered, I did nothing for myself, and I was regularly taking five minutes to hide in the bathroom for a private cry, but there was no choice but to get on with it for my children.

If you had a baby who needed feeding/bathing/settling to sleep your exhausted OH wouldn't be able to come out with a cheerful "hiya!" before hanging out in the car with you. He'd be stuck inside doing everything by himself, wondering if he could finally manage to eat, with no chance to rest or look after himself, all while worrying about you.

If OP burns out from all of this she doesn't have the option to sit in the car being overwhelmed, does she?

When OP was struggling he offered no support or understanding to her - meaning she had no choice but to keep going. Can you not see why his behaviour now might seem additionally selfish?

What he needs is support and to seek real help. See a GP for some support or meds and get on a waiting list
OP has already tried to help with this. She has arranged counselling for him.

perhaps you need to go to the session and say I can’t look after him and prioritise his needs, we hava a newborn baby who only has me, and I need to look after this baby. So if he needs admitting or you have serious concerns please bear in mind I can’t just sit and watch him 24/7, I’m totally at the end here. I thought we were having a baby together and that’s not what’s happened.

Do you think his depression may be caused by his other medications? Is that a possibility? I don’t know any medication that you can’t take paracetamol with. It must be really extreme.

Is he being honest with you?

Could he ask the GP for a review of his medication?

Could he go to family and stay with them for a while so you could at least focus on yourself and the baby? Parents/sibling /friends?