Unsure how to handle DH

[unsurewhattodowithdh]

DH is depressed at the minute, and I find myself feeling less sympathetic than I'd like to be.

I am sympathetic. I feel awful for him, and I've helped him to arrange some counselling of which he's had three sessions. He's having a nightmare at work, which used to be his safe space/way to take his mind off things. He's having multiple family issues which are bringing up a lot of his childhood trauma, and to top it all off, we just had a baby four months ago (our first).

So I really am sympathetic, my heart breaks for him. But I also have been quite severely depressed in the past, and I had to keep functioning. He didn't give me any extra support. He goes to work but he barely does anything with the baby, it's all on me and I'm working too (although at a much reduced capacity, only a few hours a week) and do most of the home stuff because he works long hours. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me, and I try my best.

He's been home for an hour now and is just sat outside in his car. We were talking on the phone and he just cut it off, I'm hungry and trying to manage the baby, I only have a small window between her feeds to get anything done (breasted) and she doesn't like much to be put down, I don't know if I should wait for him but then she might be crying when he comes in and I can't get up to cook it, or just make mine now but end up having to cook twice or risk her crying again, etc. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he can't just come in and be depressed in here. I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel.

I think I'm also a bit resentful that he's being like this now we have a baby, we've wanted one for so, so long and really struggled to have her. I'm trying so, so hard to not let his depression affect me but it is, I was so happy at first but I've been feeling really anxious with everything.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

I feel like this is the first time in our relationship that I should come first but he's found a way to make it about him again, and I feel absolutely awful for thinking/saying that but it's how I feel

OP, I understand. My DH suffers from depression, and I am understanding, try to help, totally happy to pick up all the slack without a second thought when it's particularly bad.

Or I was...right up until I had a serious mental health crisis (ended up under crisis care). This was during a period when he was doing okay, but he immediately acted like I was a burden that he couldn't deal with, telling me that he couldn't be there for me because he was "too depressed". I carried on doing everything, trying to care for him while I was really struggling, but he wouldn't do the same for me because "his depression meant he couldn't".

When he next had severe depression I couldn't bring myself to be quite as generous with time and sympathy, because of how he'd behaved when I needed him - that was the first time I'd ever felt I needed equal care and understanding (if not to actually come first), and he'd made it about him again. I've never been able to go back to how I used to be before he reacted like that.

I just don't know what to do and I wouldn't let on to him but AIBU to be... I don't know, struggling with this all at the minute?

You're not unreasonable to be struggling, the whole situation sounds exhausting and overwhelming.
Take care of yourself and your child, don't feel that you have to treat him like an extra child who needs to be cared for if you don't have the energy for that.

If he could go stay with family so he can be cared for and you can focus on yourself and baby it might be helpful for you. How do you think he'd react to a suggestion like that?

He goes to his GP asap, and the GP prescribes suitable medication that is compatible with his other health condition medication.

Okay I see where you are coming from, I just thought that some comments were a bit harsh, he does need to check in and not check out. And looking at the thread he is getting help.

My post wasn't really about OP it was directed to the harsh commenters 😪

Perhaps I am naive, me and my partner do not yet have children. I just can not imagine leaving my other half struggling and sorting myself but I don't have the context of children...

Thank you for pulling me up on this and making me think about it more widely x

@NC7542789 If he could go stay with family so he can be cared for and you can focus on yourself and baby it might be helpful for you. How do you think he'd react to a suggestion like that?

He’s having problems with his family at the minute so that isn’t an option. He doesn’t have anywhere he can go, and I don’t think I’d want him to really.

He also keeps saying he hates his life, everybody hates him, he wants to run away. I’m really trying not to but it’s hard not to take it personally. If I ask him he says it doesn’t include me and DD but in the next breath he’ll say it again.

This
Sorry for your experiences OP and congratulations on your baby.
I really hope things get better

He has a responsibility as a husband and a father to get himself some help, whether he wants to or not. If he genuinely feels he has depression, he needs to be on the phone to the GP tomorrow (or filling out an e-consult now) so that he can access an emergency appointment.

However (and I say this as someone who has had depression in the past) a lot of his language and behaviour seems to be designed to keep you in your place. He sits outside in the car but keeps you on the phone so you're not free to do other things. He makes you feel uncomfortable for wanting to go out. And now he's using language designed to make you do what he wants to keep him from harming himself.

I'm sure someone will shoot me down for that, but remember, having depression or any other kind of mental health issue isn't an excuse to treat the people around you like dirt. You need to prioritise your baby daughter here - if he won't get himself help then do whatever you need to do. Good luck.

Really feel for you.
It's so hard to hold on to your own positivity when somebody else is relentlessly negative about the life that you share, and it's hard not take your partner saying he hates his life personally when you're working so hard to make that life as good as it can be.

It's good you've posted here though. I was advised that it's completely normal to find it hard, and that asking for support/finding somewhere you can vent is a good idea. You need space to focus on and deal with your own feelings while trying to help him handle his.
You're not a bad person for finding this difficult, and your mental health matters just as much as his does.

As a PP has said, he has a responsibility as a husband and father to seek proper medical intervention if he is feeling this poorly, and as hard as it there comes a point where you need to remind him of this.

I’ve been there twice since we’ve had kids with DH and both times it’s been absolutely bloody awful on a personal level for me - doing everything and THEN also trying to be there and manage him too. Last time it happened we had a very serious talk. I told him I loved him and wanted to be there for him but I needed him to fully engage with every professional out there, take the meds, and just try to fake it for little half hour bursts for the kids. I think if I hadn’t seen him acknowledge this and put real effort into engaging with everything that might make him better there might have been a point where for me and the kids I would have had to ask him to move out for a bit.

Good luck, and try to remember what you need as well.

I came here to write something like this - you've summarised it perfectly @FupaTrooper . OP, control the controllables and look after yourself. You can be considerate where possible (eg I might cook a double portion if it can be reheated - if not, don't) but you need to put your own oxygen mask on first - your baby needs you and you going hungry won't make your DH better. I had a severely depressed partner and you absolutely cannot let the depression suck you into its orbit. Keeping yourself and your baby alive is paramount.