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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from grandchildren's life

608 replies

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:09

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

OP posts:
goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:24

We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.

And why are you blaming her for this? If your DS wanted to tell you or wanted you there that's down to him.

On the visiting, or course you don't show up uninvited, that's a good way to piss anyone off! It's a rude thing to do.

MrSeptember · 27/09/2024 13:25

HOw much contact did you maintain with your son when he moved abroad. Because if you've never met this woman, why would he not invite you to the wedding? I can't help wondering if you gave him a hard time for moving, perhaps when he told you he'd met someone etc so that by the time they got married, they decided it was easier to simply exclude you.

They live in a small flat so reasonable they don't want visitors. Have you actively invited them, AND made them welcome - no pressure but just for a meal or a day out or whatever? Without judging every decision they make?

SJM1988 · 27/09/2024 13:26

It's clear you don't approve on the relationship from your post. You can't not approve then expect to see your grandchildren.

Turning up unannounced isn't going to help your situation - if anything make it worse.
Disapprove in quiet and don't voice it to them.

I'm taking my children to Australia to see my in laws in a few weeks. It will be nearly a 30 hour journey door to door. Is that not fair on my children? I don't think so.

Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2024 13:24

How much do you see of your other children? Do they see each other?

We see both of our other sons most days, we provide childcare for our other grandchildren and have them all for dinner on Wednesdays. They don't see much of their brother either.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:27

SJM1988 · 27/09/2024 13:26

It's clear you don't approve on the relationship from your post. You can't not approve then expect to see your grandchildren.

Turning up unannounced isn't going to help your situation - if anything make it worse.
Disapprove in quiet and don't voice it to them.

I'm taking my children to Australia to see my in laws in a few weeks. It will be nearly a 30 hour journey door to door. Is that not fair on my children? I don't think so.

Well when they arrive in Australia in won't be war torn with air raid sirens more nights than not and the risk of drone attacks! 24 hours to go somewhere unsafe is absurd!

OP posts:
Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:27

To add more, so you think your grandchildren will want to hang out with you knowing you hate their mother? It's pretty obvious so they'll pick up on that.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/09/2024 13:28

I really can't understand why people think OP is BU to worry about children being brought to a dangerous place. Or for being upset because the GC travel so far to meet one set of GPs but not the other.

OP this issue begins and ends with your DS surely. He was the one who didn't introduce you to his girlfriend before they got married. You can hardly expect her to look up your address and show up alone! As with any relationship, she has to take his lead in how his family relationship works. I'm wondering why you were excluded from the wedding? Was it a private wedding or did the include others and not you? It seems there is more here than the issue with GC.

I think you are getting a typical AIBU reply here, piling on OP without all the facts.

Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 27/09/2024 13:28

You have had several big fall outs over decisions they make? Have you forgotten they are adults?

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:28

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:27

Well when they arrive in Australia in won't be war torn with air raid sirens more nights than not and the risk of drone attacks! 24 hours to go somewhere unsafe is absurd!

Show quote history

You are insufferable.

If you were my MIL, I wouldn't want to be around you either.
Luckily, my MIL is nice.

Undisclosedlocation · 27/09/2024 13:28

you are not coming across AT ALL well in your posts OP!

regardless of your reasons for voicing your opinions, they are not welcome and are making you appear an opinionated busybody. You rock up uninvited, admit to falling out with your son and his wife over things that are fundamentally none of your business and have nothing good to say about your DIL, It’s no wonder they don’t want to make an effort really is it?

I would suggest an apology, a complete change of approach and some inner reflection on the problems that appear from what’s written here to be entirely self inflicted

Cynic17 · 27/09/2024 13:29

Spectacularly unreasonable. You blame your DIL for things that are clearly joint decisions with your son.
Your DIL's country is at war, her family are in danger and yet you show zero empathy. Why can't you support her a little bit?
You clearly make her feel very unwelcome.
You turn up uninvited, FFS - nobody should be doing that, it's just so rude. They are busy people.
I can't get over how entitled you sound - I think you should consider yourself lucky you see your grandchildren twice a year, and please try not to male things any worse!

RaspberryBeretxx · 27/09/2024 13:29

Well, what you are doing now isn't working and tbh you come across a bit overbearing. As much as it must be scary to know the DGC are in Ukraine, it has to be their parents choice and to be blunt, you don't get a say. I'd stop voicing any negativity and drop the rope a bit. Definitely stop turning up unannounced. Maybe let your DS know that you're there and love them and will work on being less overbearing. Then just be kind, polite, uncritical and lower your expectations for now.

Original poster
GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:30

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/09/2024 13:28

I really can't understand why people think OP is BU to worry about children being brought to a dangerous place. Or for being upset because the GC travel so far to meet one set of GPs but not the other.

OP this issue begins and ends with your DS surely. He was the one who didn't introduce you to his girlfriend before they got married. You can hardly expect her to look up your address and show up alone! As with any relationship, she has to take his lead in how his family relationship works. I'm wondering why you were excluded from the wedding? Was it a private wedding or did the include others and not you? It seems there is more here than the issue with GC.

I think you are getting a typical AIBU reply here, piling on OP without all the facts.

It wasn't a small wedding, all her family and friends, many of his colleagues and several of his friends from the UK travelled to go. His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 27/09/2024 13:30

Well it’s <obviously> all your DIL’s fault you’re not getting your way 🙄

Monkeysatonthewall · 27/09/2024 13:31

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/09/2024 13:28

I really can't understand why people think OP is BU to worry about children being brought to a dangerous place. Or for being upset because the GC travel so far to meet one set of GPs but not the other.

OP this issue begins and ends with your DS surely. He was the one who didn't introduce you to his girlfriend before they got married. You can hardly expect her to look up your address and show up alone! As with any relationship, she has to take his lead in how his family relationship works. I'm wondering why you were excluded from the wedding? Was it a private wedding or did the include others and not you? It seems there is more here than the issue with GC.

I think you are getting a typical AIBU reply here, piling on OP without all the facts.

Maybe because some parts of Ukraine are safe and she wants her parents to see her children and vice versa?
Maybe because OP is coming across as a vicious and controlling person (can you really not read between the lines and see she was horrible to her DIL from the get go?). Why should they expose their children to someone like that?

I'd rather travel a long distance for children to spend time with their lovely grandparents than expose them to someone so toxic, even if she's near London.

Member984815 · 27/09/2024 13:32

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:30

It wasn't a small wedding, all her family and friends, many of his colleagues and several of his friends from the UK travelled to go. His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

Show quote history

But you are judgemental, of his choice of wife and his other life choices.

feathermucker · 27/09/2024 13:32

It has nothing to do with you if she takes their children to visit her family. Plus, you state that your son 'lets' her do it as if she needs his permission. Of course she is going to want to see her family.

You state you have had big fall outs over this which could have been avoided had you stopped arguing with them about it after the first argument.

Your disdain for her is obvious and she will know you feel this way. It's obvious you don't like hers their living conditions etc and it's probably not all you disapprove of. This will have played a part in the breakdown of your relationship with them both. Plus turning up unannounced doesn't help.

You are not blameless in this and if you want to facilitate a relationship with your grandchildren you need to facilitate this by having less expectations of how they should live or behave and certainly less expectations about your daughter in law should be.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/09/2024 13:32

GrandmDEA · 27/09/2024 13:30

It wasn't a small wedding, all her family and friends, many of his colleagues and several of his friends from the UK travelled to go. His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

Show quote history

Sounds like your son doesn't like you very much.

Given that you've displayed all over this thread how judgemental of his choices you are, I can see why!

unmemorableusername · 27/09/2024 13:33

Do you really not see why they don't want you around.

If she'd slagged you off the way you have her on this thread would you like her?

She's your DGC mother. You need to respect her.

Don't criticise her. Ever.

Offer gifts. Offer time, consideration & practical help.

Visit but never never never uninvited and always stay in a hotel.

Post cards & gifts.

goodboystepup · 27/09/2024 13:33

His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

So...why is this her fault? It sounds like your DH made this decision.

romdowa · 27/09/2024 13:34

The honest truth is that your son doesn't want you involved in his life and no matter how hard you try to blame his wife, it doesn't change that fact. I suspect you know deep down why he is low contact with you , but you can barely admit it to yourself, never mind anyone else.

feathermucker · 27/09/2024 13:34

"We might be judgemental of his choice"

Why ever would he think that?!

Its2024happynewyear · 27/09/2024 13:34

You're the nightmare parents in law.

FerienInLipizza · 27/09/2024 13:35

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/09/2024 13:15

I’d like to hear your son’s side of the story

This. I imagine it is a ripsnorter!

feathermucker · 27/09/2024 13:36

This is going to be one of those threads where the OP absolutely refuses to accept what she's being told

Swipe left for the next trending thread