To feel slightly suspicious of dp

[wwyt]

Hi, I'm looking to know would YOU be suspicious? I'm not really suspicious but maybe a bit slightly?

So, dp works for his dads business and has for the last 10 years. Dp doesn't start work until 9. Usually he would set an alarm for 8:30 which sounds really late but his workplace is a 2 minute drive from our home. And he's really easy going 🤣. His dad doesn't drive but a workmate would always collect him.

About a month ago dp started setting alarms at 6.45-7:15 getting up and leaving the house within 10 mins of those alarms. (Extremely early from before) I've been with dp 5 years he's never up that early for work.

He says it's because he's starting to give his dad a lift to work every morning. His mum and dad live a 5 minute drive from our home. That's not too suspicious. But the thing that's making me go 🤨 is he's leaving home in the mornings in his normal clothes. He says he gets ready in his parents house just before he leaves for work as it's easier?

He has a specific work uniform. He would always get ready here before leaving.

So he's started leaving the house over an hour earlier than usual and not getting ready here?

Would you be suspicious?

You owe it to yourself to have evidence or at least strong feelings. I suggest you do the walk thing and then get your friend to check Saturday morning. I'd think Saturday is more likely to prove if he's doing something he shouldn't with a single lady, weekdays would be married, because the hubby would be around.

@Bluestone12

"This… in part. “Can’t ask him because he’s already gaslighting her” yeah no, at no point has she said she’s actually directly asked him a thing of any importance. This is beyond stupid. And I can’t say the other thing I want because it’s against Mumsnet rules."

Well, the truth is stranger than fiction, right?

@MarkingBad I tend to agree once the trust is gone, but there is still hope here that it's something entirely innocuous and Op needs to be clear on the full picture before pulling the plug on her relationship. There's a baby in the middle of all this too. They are a family.

Thank you! ❤️

Curiouser and curiouser. . .

Growing up in a family where one parent does not have any trust in the other is downright disturbing, I am that child as are my siblings. We learned not to trust anyone. So stuff holding on to a partnership that lacks trust for the sake of the child because it's not for the sake of the child it is a selfish attempt to satisy themselves when they will never ever be satisfied because nothing is believed and the one being disbelieved ends up stopping trying.

It also meant getting involved with men who just couldn't accept I never cheated becase my example was a man who couldn't trust. Constant questioning when you know you aren't believed is hard not to take the piss after a while. You get sick of trying to solve the others lack of trust, you become disrespectful because frankly they are disrespecting you by not believing anything you say. You end up walking away because it gets violent or just sodding too difficult to cope with it anymore.

When parents spend their time playing games, they are not focussing on building and growing a relationship, they are practising brinkmanship in their own relationship and get so tied up in the distrusted DP, the children stop being important.

Who is your priority? You partner, you or your child because people who don't trust who stay in relationships is only looking to satisfy themselves when your child should be the priority.

Plenty of single parents have children that have good relationships with their other parent. If you can't trust him, let him go and find someone else so you can bring your child up in a happy household and a trusting environment not one where you get friends to spy for you.

@MarkingBad my child has always and will ALWAYS be my first priority no matter what, he comes before anyone else in this world.

You don't seem to be reading the other posts....

Would appreciate if you stopped replying now as it's not helpful x

@MarkingBad Are you projecting? She's not holding on to anything she's arming herself with the information she needs to MAKE a decision. It's not difficult to understand.

OP I agree that I wouldn't walk away without concrete evidence but I really dont think you're going to get it without following him. Im so glad you have your friend there for moral support and offering her help. Definitely plan to have her follow him again until she can say for absolute certain that hes either at his parents house or going somewhere else. Once you make plans with your friend, delete the messages. Its possible the last time he saw what you were planning and thats why he left even earlier. And now hes leaving at random times to throw you off. Absolutely speak to your friend asap and if shes willing to follow on random mornings here and there you might just get lucky and see where he is going for certain. I hope it works out for you, keep us updated!

Projecting = looking into your own personal experience to find parellels with a situation. So yes projecting, we all do that.

There is nothing wrong with hearing about other peoples personal experiences. Very hard to hear sometimes and sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.

The OP doesn't trust him, it doesn;t really matter whether she is right to do so or not, that ship has sailed

@wwyt
I've read everyone of your posts.

I'm glad your child is the priority in your case but you can easily fall down that rabbit hole when your need for answers consmes you.

This is silly. Stop trying to hunt him down. You know he’s parked at his parents so he can’t be far.

Set your own alarm, wake up and take the baby over to his parents. He will either be there or you can ask them what is going on.

Another one who hasn't read the thread

I have no relationship with his parents

There's 'no relationship' and 'no relationship' though - do you mean that if you knocked at their door with their grandchild in your arms they would just shut the door without even speaking to you? or do you just mean it would be awkward because you haven't spoken to them in so long?

@TyrannasaurusJex I wouldn't be welcome into their home , they would leave me at the door and tell me nothing

I think it may be useful if your friend was already parked in his parent's street by a certain time, and was willing and able to stay there until he does arrive.
This could gain two answers - what time he arrives in the street and where he goes after parking.

But, due to his unexpected arrival for lunch at home last Sat, he may have seen your friend's new car ? i.e. do you have a driveway that it was parked in or did he come out the home when she was leaving.

It's all very good having the suggestion of hiring a private detective, but... they cost money !

but if he was in the house, surely they would send him out? or you'd text him to say "i am at your parents front door, they won't let me in, can you come out, i have lost my key/whatever"

then he'd come out and you'd know he was there. or not.

Really confusing thread and yes talk of private detective is ridiculous since his parents live five mins away and he works another five mins away from that. Doesn't sound like international man of mystery does he. Op if you really cant just have a straight conversation and find out what's going on just put a tracker in his car or buy a phone and share location with yours put it in his car.

There's not much point in a tracker if he's parking on the parents street 5 mins away. I agree, the friend needs to be prepared to stake out the street early for a few days or you need to get up earlier and do it yourself. I can totally see why you want proof now as he's denied it several times.

@MarkingBad Well I assumed the Ops story has triggered you in some way for you to come at her in such an aggressive way - making assumptions. Her life is quite likely in turmoil right now.

Op, I hope you get a plan in place and I hope you get answers.

Personally I would get my friend to wait in her car by the parents house and see where he goes after that - try and record him if they can discreetly.

I agree with PP, don't think you should say you're going for an early morning walk/ changing your routine. It's too obvious and sketchy that you're on to him.

just have friend already waiting at parents and see where he goes from there.

You've got a baby OP! Poor little thing. Stop wasting your time on this amateur detective nonsense and focus on your baby.

If you're not ready to end your marriage, there's no rush. I'm sure he'll keep fucking up, being an angry lying twat, and cheating only you for years to come. Focus on your baby, get your finances in order, and put your energy into sorting your life out so when you're ready, you can just dump him.