To feel slightly suspicious of dp

[wwyt]

Hi, I'm looking to know would YOU be suspicious? I'm not really suspicious but maybe a bit slightly?

So, dp works for his dads business and has for the last 10 years. Dp doesn't start work until 9. Usually he would set an alarm for 8:30 which sounds really late but his workplace is a 2 minute drive from our home. And he's really easy going 🤣. His dad doesn't drive but a workmate would always collect him.

About a month ago dp started setting alarms at 6.45-7:15 getting up and leaving the house within 10 mins of those alarms. (Extremely early from before) I've been with dp 5 years he's never up that early for work.

He says it's because he's starting to give his dad a lift to work every morning. His mum and dad live a 5 minute drive from our home. That's not too suspicious. But the thing that's making me go 🤨 is he's leaving home in the mornings in his normal clothes. He says he gets ready in his parents house just before he leaves for work as it's easier?

He has a specific work uniform. He would always get ready here before leaving.

So he's started leaving the house over an hour earlier than usual and not getting ready here?

Would you be suspicious?

It’s also so bizarre it potentially has a bizarre story behind it.

I mean are his parents really going to say “ fine son, park your car here while you go for your pre/breakfast extramarital shag, just be back in time to take dad to work.”

Maybe I just have odd parents .., 🤷🏻‍♀️

stop asking him he is clearly going to deny and you’re giving him a heads up so he can hide stuff

Why don’t you add him on find friends in your phone. Or drop an apple I-tag into the car?

I'm just baffled tbh. What more proof do you need? He goes out every morning, lies about where he's going, gets angry when asked, refuses to explain himself. What other explanation can there be?

Even if there is another explanation, why would you stay with someone who treats you with so little respect and who refuses to communicate with you?

Find your self-respect, OP. Making up desperate plans to creep around after your husband is such a waste of time and it's so undignified. If you really can't move on without cold, hard proof, hire a private investigator. It's embarrassing to be following your husband around, making up silly stories and plotting with your friends.

I get this completely. You have a child together. You need to know as much as possible so that you can feel confident in your decisions going forward. It would drive me crazy wondering.

@wwyt

I think another time (maybe 2) following him isn't a bad idea if you want more evidence. The problem is that just following to his folks and hanging around for 15-20 mins doesn't really prove anything. Your friend needs to be able to stick around to see if/when he leaves and follow him to see where he goes. That could be quite some time just sitting parked up the road.

It is very odd though. If it is innocent, why does he feel he has to hide having breakfast/visiting with his parents every morning? Does he think you'd give him a hard time about it or something? Is your house particularly 'chaotic' in the mornings and he's skipping out on morning parenting duties?

The driving around with an older woman would really puzzle me.

I’m just not sure. It’s so cack handed I still think there’s a possibility of something left field like ballroom dancing lessons with the mature lady so he can sweep op off her feet 💃🕺

I also think it's a good idea to not tell your friend about this. You want to keep her out of the loop on some things so there is no doubt in your mind that she didn't sabotage you.

All this stalking people is somewhat concerning. Personally I'd stop asking the questions and stalking. You don't believe his answers when he responds so whether he is lying or telling the truth, what is the difference? You have already lost your faith in him, what is left?

Consider that someone who is being disbelieved when they give an answer, male or female, they stop giving straight answers whatever the truth is because they know they are not going to be believed so what is the point.

What outcome do you want from this, would you believe him if you discovered it was his mum or her friend he or his dad was giving a lift? Would you take that as a whole answer or would you still have doubts about the other stuff?

If your DP is a cheater, he's not going to give you the complete answers you want, ever. If he is not a cheater will you believe him if something else happens or are you always going to be suspicious of anything he does now?

If he is spending more time with his parents because he misses sharing his whole family with them? Does DP feel he has to hide contact with his mum to prevent upsetting you? If your DP is being honest about what he is doing, is there no way to build a relationship with his parents? I know they are difficult but they aren't living in your house either so a grin and bear it approach is how a lot of couples get through IL issues. It's really hard for the person in the middle to strike a balance between the people they love when they feel torn apart.

From your posts, this situation is driving you nuts and you have lost trust in him, if he finds out you have been stalking him he will lose his trust in you. Questioning people and not accepting their answers also cause a loss of trust in both partners.

You need to think about your future and how he fits into it because from what I have read you don't have enough trust for a reasonable future with your DP. If he is having sex with someone else is that something you can accept as part of your relationship, if he isn't having an affair how will you get over your loss of trust and the guilt that can cause. Would he want you back if he felt you had no trust in him? There is a lot to consider here what is it that you want for your future.

Thank god, someone speaking sense!

Can't imagine the levels of anxiety and stress Op.

The man you thought you knew has proven to you that he's a liar (although not sure what he's covering up yet).

I would be the same in that I would need indisputable proof to end the relationship when there is a child in the middle of it, because there is still a chance it's something that ISNT cheating.

I really do hope you get the answers you're looking for.

But surely the lying to her face, laughing at her, calling her crazy etc is enough?!

I don’t get it. I have kids too. If my DH acted with such disrespect to me I’d be done. Regardless of whether he was cheating or not! Raise the bar!

Yes for me it would be enough to leave BUT I would also be so confused and intrigued that I would do everything I could to find out what is going on.

I think that’s his I feel and understand op’s position. Calling time on a relationship is a big deal when it’s her baby’s dad. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision, but she owes it to the baby, if noone else, to satisfy herself that there is something to be concerned about. But you have to get on and do something decisive op.

Why would you need evidence when you have no trust anyway, what difference would evidence make when the trust is gone? Something is broken when you get to that stage however dishonest or honest a partner is being.

@wwyt I think your friend (if up for it) should watch the Dad’s house to see if your DP goes out with Dad or what happens. Difficult. You can’t really query anything without proof as it’s all a bit vague …

The trust maybe gone but she needs to know what is happening. At the very least because he is gaslighting her and could try to make her out to be unstable and not fit to look after the baby or something 😞

I agree. Good luck OP.

I think you should stop asking him about it because he'll only try to cover his tracks and it seems clear he's not about to come clean about what he's really doing. If your friend is willing to follow him again a couple more times then I think you should do that and hopefully it will all become clear very soon. You must be in a horrible limbo and very confused and frustrated with him denying there's anything going on.

Don't do that! He will be suspicious as of why you are going for a walk so early. He will start getting more sneaky. There is little point in gauging his reaction, it's not a solid proof that you want. Work on a plan to find out what he does 7 to 9. And until you find out be sweet as pie, no more questions. Lull him into false sense of security.

if we know for sure he parks up outside his parents every morning, can the friend be waiting there, and then see what he does once he parks up. If he goes inside, what time he comes out, if he comes out with his dad? That would be a start.

If his dad comes out with a wig on 😂

I think so too. Go quiet on all this so he isn’t on the alert when you and your friend are stationed cameras on. Or just rock up to the house and knock on the door. But do something that will provide evidence beyond imputing something to an expression that passes across his face.

eta you are trying to find out once and for all op, not torment him and interfere with his plans.

Op I think if you start acting out of character like going for a walk first thing, he'll know you're onto him and be more cautious. If you are trying to get evidence (and it looks like that is really important to you-and that's your prerogative), then you need to act as normally as you can. I would go with the idea of your friend again personally. x

Yes think like a cat catching prey. It doesn’t start advertising what it is up to by going for very visible walks. It lies in wait.