What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

That's ridiculous though for it to be compulsory, I was more than ready at 18 to move on to full time work after A levels, uni didn't interest me at all and during a gap year I wouldn't have been doing the further training and work experience I really wanted. My DS1 18 is a full time musician directly from A levels, all the work building contacts and a career would be down the drain in a year, my DS2 16 is on an apprenticeship starting from school, he would lose his job for a year?

Support should be available for those needing a gap year but it would need to be highly regulated of course.

If a child (through illness or some other reason) couldn't go to school, couldn't see their friends, go to hobbies, visit relatives etc etc, generally that would be seen as very difficult for that child and possibly damaging to their development.

We (and by we I mean my generation, the ones who are supposedly in charge) did that to every single child in the country.

I have to laugh when idiots say it was only for a few months. All that says to me is that they feel horribly guilty and their only respite is denial.

It doesn't matter if it was only two weeks. It was wrong and it made a huge mark on a whole generation of children. Now we're reaping the massive, shitty rewards.

My two children are doing very well currently. They are confident, full of fun, engaged with school etc. I have no idea why - I have no great skill as a parent. But I will say that I never once implied or said that it was right for them to be cut off from everything that makes life worth living. I consciously tried to make up for the damage my fellow adults tried to do to them. Maybe it worked. Who knows - maybe the whole thing will hit them at a later stage.

But one thing I do know is that I genuinely feel hate in my heart for the people who decided my children and their friends had to go through something so pointless and damaging. I'm trying to let go of it because it's not healthy. But for now I really hope any parent who supported lock downs feels ashamed of themselves. It'll make no difference to anything and yet I still want it.

I just don't think it can be blamed on lockdown. My children loved lockdown - flexible schooling, lots of Tv, being together as family. They can't be the only ones. I think it has far more to do with social media and the legitimation of thinking in terms of oppression, identities, incapacity, as a validation of self, especially white selves, who would otherwise consider themselves privileged, coupled with a general sense that this world is going to hell in a handcart and there are no decent jobs, no homes to be had, no positive developments, only permawar and environmental crisis.

I did tough love with mine- didn't infantilise them.

They are much more robust than their peers.

Modern parents have mollycoddled DCs and it's hindered their development.

Lockdowns f'ed them up too.

If we go back to latchkey DCs babysitting younger siblings & cooking a family meal we'll all be much better off for it.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft

Do you really want to cut 11 year-olds off from choices by segregating them into different schools?

Which is why I specifically said "we should have found better ways of segregating and more options for transfer between types!."

Can you not see a connection between isolating children - preventing them from doing team sports, hobbies, activities etc - and the effects of social media?

I do agree with this! It’s exhausting!! You try and talk about a societal problem and individuals assume you’re talking about them and start blarting on about how offended they are

Team sports were outside....my children kept up all their Woodcraft clubs etc....and did lots of Teams stuff online, which is still social....so I don't see a big problem. Lockdown was really not that long....

Ah, denial. Ok.

Absolutely. My girls are blessed with a school which is 'whole child', focuses as much on building values around kindness, resilience, willingness to 'have a go' as much as learning, on the basis that happy children learn better. The other school in our village has an almost exclusive academic focus, and the emotional resilience of this children is much less than those from my daughters school. You can see it in how they play, how they interact, how they approach challenges. Schools have a huge role to play in mental health

My child has an agreement that they won't be asked any questions in class because she had a diagnosis of situational mutism, co-morbid with her autism. It is well understood by professionals that situational mutism is a severe form of anxiety and forcing someone to speak is the worst thing you can do. Disappointing to hear that some educationalists don't believe these adjustments should be necessary.

But so many posters put a blanket response that implies everyone with anxiety is a softy making it all up.

It's truly awful and soul destroying having a child with mental health issues that affect theirs and their families lives. We battle against a dismissive attitude daily so yes, it does tend to put you on the defensive reading threads like this.

Why is OK to dismiss anxiety? OP doesn't know the background of all her students and the ins and outs of their lives. Why should it be assumed their anxiety is not genuine?

I do think it's great that the adjustments ar possible so that learning can be an inclusive experience. That's surely should be celebrated. People with situational mutism can still be productive and contribute and shouldn't be denied an education based on ancient didactic teaching methods, where the teachers randomly engaged their class. There are many more ways to interact with the class inclusively with technology for example such as messaging the interactive white board or padlet.

Being inclusive also benefits everyone, there are students who prefer to not be put on the spot who don't have autism but still don't thrive with this teaching method. At work, we use padlet and similar technology to contribute in large meetings.

When a large proportion of a year group has anxiety issues to the extent that many are not fully participating then I think it's legitimate to start asking questions.

Genuine anxiety is definitely a thing and does need accommodation. Unfortunately, when some young people see others getting what they perceive to be an 'easy ride' they also want 'accommodations' for what essentially amounts to not being bothered to do the hard work.

When I was at uni deadlines were completely unmoveable. That's probably too harsh, but at least if someone hired a person from my course they could expect that person to have made a strong effort to get things in on time even when things were hard. Now, when I hire young people they sometimes seem to think deadlines are optional. They are not. Barring serious issues they need to get the work done and if they don't, then they can't have the job. That comes as a shock to some. Learning that lesson when you're 25 is too late and I don't think it does anyone any favours.

Perhaps controversially I also think that if a course requires something and a person can't fulfil that requirement then they shouldn't be on the course. If a med student said they found dead bodies too upsetting and couldn't attend anatomy class they'd be laughed out of the room and told to fuck off. My industry requires presentations and public speaking - if I interviewed someone and it transpired they couldn't even answer a question, there's no way they'd get the job. So is putting someone through a course but not expecting a certain standard from them doing them a disservice? Certain things aren't required and can be changed but some things are a basic skill requirement. If you can't develop that skill then go and do something that suits you better.

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

These probably happen because many more diverse YA now go to university who wouldn't have done so 10-20 years ago. Students from failing schools and challenging homes, often with trauma and /or additional needs. Now that there are accommodations available, they are able to access further and higher education along with the more privileged dc.

Fortunately my daughter will never work in your industry as she hates things like that.

But good luck with laughing at other people who aren’t as arrogant as you.

You don't seem to have understood what I said.

I agree to an extent. I’ve had nursing students who’ve been ‘supported’ through university hugely. When it comes to their job they are managed out within 6 months or fail to pass probation for either too much sickness or not fulfilling their duties. Most of these clearly at uni could not cope with the job they are training to do and I agree it’s cruel to put them through it. I knew one student who had a fit whenever she was stressed. How on earth you think you can be a nurse in the nhs without ever being stressed is beyond me and she should have been guided to a different choice instead of ‘supported’ to do an inappropriate course imo,

This is the type of situation I was thinking of. Certain jobs demand certain things - they are just a basic requirement, and if you can't do it, then you're not going to get very far. I hate to see people end up in entirely the wrong place because no one had the ovaries to tell them that they weren't suited to a particular course/career.

How will she manage at job interviews

How did they manage to pass the coursei left nursing about ren years ago but it was my impression that if they had been signed off as comptentent and it becomes apparent that they are not their could be repercussions for the sign off mentor ?
I did my training in the mid 90,s and we had to pass a number of competencies even then.

@GaudeteLady

But good luck with laughing at other people who aren’t as arrogant as you.
I think you've completely misunderstood what the poster was saying

@GaudeteLady

My industry requires presentations and public speaking - if I interviewed someone and it transpired they couldn't even answer a question, there's no way they'd get the job.

That's fine. Other industries are available and I dare say there are lots of jobs within your industry that don't require presentations and public speaking.

Anyway, a teacher/lecturer "forcing" a reluctant student to do it could well make the position worse and make them more anxious.

@Gogogo12345

How will she manage at job interviews
Presumably they are working on the problem. And they will presumably end up in a career that doesn't require much face to face communication.
It would be crazy to prevent someone getting an education just because they would struggle with traditional interviews.
There is nothing suggesting the posters dc can't speak. How do you think deaf people get jobs?