What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

This is heartbreaking @Choosenandenough 💐

No they don’t have to accept it. What they might have to do is some informed long term thinking, make changes, go without something, change their priorities. Being the problem is a whole lot easier than helping bloody solve it.

Someone, somewhere in the World will be a whole lot worse off than we in UK imagine ourselves to be. But many of them will be trying to survive a whole lot better without most of the safety nets provided for us.

Doesn't matter what you change. Good things will happen, bad things will happen, your body will eventually wither up and die.

Life is hard, nature didn't design it to be easy and comfortable, so people need to accept that.

I imagine that's exactly what is meant. Saw it on here at the time. Old people [probably imagined as anyone over 60] should just die, they have had their life and are worth nothing except the inheritance their children would like now, please.
The things said on here about older people that are let slide would NEVER be allowed said about any other group.

Covid.

We have woefully underestimated its effects.

Well, I fully accept that eventually we will all die, but in between hopefully many of us will have a bit of fun, contribute to making the lives of others nicer, enjoy being loved and loving others back. Otherwise what’s the ruddy point of being born?

It wrecked my DD's already v fragile MH. It delayed her adhd assessment even longer. It ruined her final show and graduation.

Hush your mouth with your snark.

I have a teen who was really messed up because of the covid lockdowns. She was 14 when lockdown hit and was always nervous of the world around her and she was just beginning to gain her independence then covid hit .... and she was shut away for months on end .. then released .. then another lockdown. She suffered from massive school anxiety when school returned in Mar 21 and for 2 years she would rarely leave the house - covid is definitely an instigator but also resilience plays a part and kids don't seem to have any more. If they don't want to do something they seem to have an exemption card nowadays.

I work in a school and we have parents who don't send their child in PE kit on PE days because little Tommy doesn't want to do PE today, or little Katie is suffering with her mental health today so she can't eat in the dinner hall as it is too loud!!

Even when my daughter was suffering with school anxiety we forced her in every day - because some times in life you don't have a choice. Daughter now works full time and when she started her job she begged us to let her stay home some days because she couldn't cope - we couldn't stop her as she is 18 but she stuck at it because she knew us as our parents would be very disappointed if she quit and at one point was telling us that actually she isn't cut out for the working world. Now a year later and she is thriving but she says the staff turnover is horrendous most of the 16/17 yr olds only last a week or so because they can't take criticism if they reprimanded for anything and their mental health can't cope with the long hours (5 hr shifts) or the fact they have to wear a uniform and if they want to wear a bright orange skirt they can't!!! I wouldn't call us strict parents but harsh and realistic. Kids have to learn to live in this harsh world and too much pussy footing around is producing a complete snowflake generation who cannot survive in todays society.

In the book he was talking more generally - people experiencing life and making it into something it’s not. Not about kids.

Great post, thank you.

I would also add a very controlling culture in schools, especially secondary schools, and not much natural opportunity to build self reliance and resilience, create their own things by themselves - in other words enjoy self-direction. I guess this is related to points 2 and 4 in the post I quoted.

Los of kids are scheduled, hard, and yes they might be great at their hobbies or sports but they're still told what to do at every move.

This is a great website letgrow.org/

Much of that doesn't happen to billions of people on this planet. Are you telling me their lives are pointless?

Maybe something exists beyond the suffering that you aren't aware of. I believe that's one of the reasons the west is facing so many challenges, to wake people up to their own existence.

If you go to the gym and stress your muscles uncomfortably they will get stronger, if you sit in a chair all day you get weak and inflexible. The west has been sitting in that chair too long.

We have the most interesting conversations mainly in the car. He has a lot of thoughts about things and they usually make a lot of sense! Don’t get him started on the prisoner early release scheme 😂 (this is relevant as I’m a probation officer!).

It will all be fine. The fittest always survive now, in the past and forever. It is how it is. Resilience is one of our greatest strengths.

Where are you getting your misinformation from? Interest rates at one point were 15%. In the 60s/70s most people lived in social housing with no central heating or DG. Women had few rights. Working class women often were in poorly paid jobs. They had no access to credit. Free contraception wasn't available until the late 60s (I think). Not all boomers live in large bungalows with gold plated pensions.

DS took his A levels in 2020 as did his GF, I know almost all of his friends except a couple of newer ones and same with his GF. Absolutely no issues with anxiety or anything in this group. I was seriously ill with covid and couldn’t walk for more than a few steps for a couple of months, DS helped care for me. It wasn’t exactly easy and full recovery took about 9 months.

All his group seem immune to the stupidity that is social media.

I get sick and tired of this ridiculous excuse. I'm not subject to 24 hour news, because I CHOOSE not to be. No-one is forced fed constant news reporting unless they actively seek it out. This brings it back to kids (and adults) constantly being on sm of some kind, however it's not compulsory. Many people seem to be unware of this.

My belief is that Covid might have exacerbated this, it's not caused by it.

The underlying issue seems to be a style of parenting, from early on, that never asks kids to do hard things that make them nervous.

Then kids are never allowed to do things alone. A lady I know with young kids - 3, 5, and 7 - does not ever let them out of her sight. At home, they can only go to play along in their rooms. Otherwise they must be in the same room under her eye. They are lovely kids but I won't be shocked if they turn into basket cases. You see parents all the time who won't let kids play out without a cell phone or tracker - even at 13. Sometimes they say these things make the kids feel safe, not understanding that they need to not feel safe to grow.

Then they interact rarely - many Gen Z kids are scared to use the phone to call people. I had a student worker this summer, who I assigned to make some phone calls to people who needed to pick up items. I found him sitting hyperventilating. I helped him out, gave him some scaffolding, and he did it, but avoided the job after that. He was 18.This is largely due to internet - they don't need to talk to people in person or even on the phone.

Many don't know some simple social rules for interpersonal behaviour so that is a source of stress. They don't know how to do things in shops. My daughter has an apartment with friends this year and seems to be the only one able to do anything - talk to the internet company, talk to the landlord, talk to the electric company. The others are too shy.

It almost entirely comes from never having to do it until they are out of home, IMO.

Dd 17 does struggle with anxiety and social situations post covid. She went in to lock down at 12 we were one of the areas that had prolonged lock down. She had no social contact for nearly 2 years what she did have was highly regulated or on screen. 13 to 15 is when they learn social skills and independence they didn't get that chance . At 16 she wanted to go to the cinema with friends and looked at me in astonishment when I said fine , get the bus and I'll pick u up. She didn't realise she could go without an adult. She now year 13 in a large 6th form college and has part time job it's taken her and us alot of work to get her there, and the college focus last year was to teach them how to socialise and be independent as they too were seeing this trend. Hopefully she will cope with uni but is not going more than 2hrs away by choice as it doesn't feel safe to.do so.

I have a teen with severe anxiety, diagnosed by a paediatrician. I don't think Covid is to blame, although it's possible it had an impact. My DD didn't cope with the transition to a very strict and rigid secondary school. She was later diagnosed with autism, which obviously plays a significant part. The world is very busy and technology is everywhere, which I think can make it harder for neurodiverse people to manage.

I also have a younger autistic DC who is now at the same school. They really seem to have toned down some of the strictness since my eldest started and my younger child has coped much better.

What is frustrating, however, when you have a child seriously struggling with their mental health, is the assumption by older people that they're just feeble snowflakes who need to get on with it.

@capstix the Vietnam war went on for 20 years; 1955 to 1975 and there were tons of others
The 21 Biggest Wars of the 1960s - 24/7 Wall St. (247wallst.com)
absolutely bizarre that you thought those born in the 1950's-1965 range were not inundated with constant war messages the Cold War went on till 91.

You see it on MN alll the time - 'I have anxiety' which translates into people not being able to do the smallest thing that might present a minute of difficulty.

Society is in really bad shape,
Made worse by covid lockdowns. We have cut education and all other services to the none and now we are reaping what we sewed.

Agree with this. I work in education and the whole system is falling apart. There's nothing left to support kids who might need a bit extra. There is no access to mental health support unless a young person has suicidal ideation and even then it's insufficient.

Brilliant post!

I really do believe that parenting has a huge amount to do with the issues with young people now. Kids are so sheltered and as a result extremely immature and can't cope with hard work or stress.

My DS2 16 has been through such a lot, he has autism, ADHD and a processing disorder. He has also had terrible luck with dislocating his knee 4 times incl once just before GCSEs (now waiting for surgery) and then the last week of exams he ended up with bells palsy. He was due to start full time work 3 days after his GCSEs ended doing an apprenticeship for the NHS and he still went into work with an amazing positive attitude even though he had no use of one side of his face and couldn't even blink properly.

Resilience seems to be a forgotten skill, it's all about avoiding ever being upset, being in a difficult situation or having to work hard/be tired.

Both my kids have always played lots of sports and music and I think it really helps but honestly you can't shelter them from everything even though it's so hard to watch them go through any struggles.