What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

@CookingApron literally this

I think there is a lot of shit parenting and lockdowns gave some parents an excuse to be even more shit. And now the children of said parents are discovering they have zero resilience.I actually know a primary teacher who has allowed two of her three kids to be secondary refusers. She gave up trying very quickly and now their futures are fucked. Shit parenting.

Maybe some time out to work and build up with short courses, like computer skills etc that aren’t as daunting as a degree and then she can go back to do a degree when she’s ready

One word. Internet. Didn’t have it when I was growing up and everyone was much happier.

Completely agree with everything you've said

Great post! This kind of parenting is called snow ploughing, you plough away all the obstacles in your dc's way. I genuinely believe this is a big contributing factor to teens feeling anxious. Feel the fear and do it anyway. A friend of mine has the theory that because we never know have any real downtime as we are constantly on our devices, we all suffer from adrenal overload.

Spot on

I think this a great point. When I was young Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister, I was too young to understand all the news and opinions about her, I just saw that a woman could look powerful and run the country. I literally grew up thinking I could be anything. Then through my teenage years we had New Labour, Cool Britannia, and “things can only get better”. I genuinely thought that if I worked hard, I would be able to live whatever life I wanted.
I didn’t have scrolling bad news in my pocket constantly telling me how bad the world was and how it was getting worse. As an adult I am worried about the world future generations will inherit, so it stands to reason that they would feel worse about it.

yes, lets blame boomers for all.Same old nonsense.Peace..oh that was why a Protect and Survive leaflet came through my letterbox.Nightmares about nuclear war.No central heating for some.Nasty teachers who would call one retarded.Parents who could be quite difficult and expected one to do well with little support.
Yes we got grants and that makes a huge difference but no gap years, parent funded tripsand we did not expect great accomodation at university.Later, some could buy houses more easily but I never expected to and if uncoupled no chance at all in London.Now I have to leave London because I cannot afford an ordinary house and all I see is an endless stream of pregnant 28-40 year olds in my part of north london hanging out with dog, baby and phone constantly on,living in local houses or flats bank of mum and dad bought them.Oh i was spoon fed ok.Really.However, I am a younger boomer and we got a load of crap which no one chooses to really examine.Negative equity, unemployment,the crash,etc.The trouble is no one reads history.Then one gets Karen abuse for just telling someone to remove their feet from a bus seat.
The truth is a lot of people suffered during covid and yes kids did too of course but the seeds were there before as I noticed as a teacher.Children overprotected and not challenged or taught to do basic tasks.Its also about class,poverty and a nation of people controlled and jerked about by capitalism and tech and parents who do not make the time to talk or engage with their kids and are too busy surviving to teach basic living skills.Also schools are about passing exams and that is all now.
Kids know a lot of tech but take it away and they are fearful.

Schools constantly talk about mental health

Spot on. Constant encouragement to navel gaze is really not helpful.

I’m a bit old fashioned so I do appreciate my views are not shared by the majority.

Lack of discipline in schools causes massive issues. Teachers should never be regarded in fear but they should have greater powers to control unruly and anti-social behaviour. Children respect adults who draw the line - this includes parents. Children are not adults; they do test the boundaries frequently as a means by which they learn standards, and good, positive behaviour.

So many children now seem to have a diagnosis of some description. Whilst I fully support the good parenting that seeks to implement specialist structures around diagnoses, I wonder if the sheer volume of children diagnosed with something is more symptomatic of a growing trend of anxiety and over-protection of some parents. Not all; some.

All generations have their problems and people are products of their time. Everybody struggles, at certain points in their lives with anxiety, and teens are all over the place with their emotions.

Parents need to pick their battles wisely. Some difficulties need listening to and acting on. Some are best downplayed, or faced head on; otherwise how on earth does one build resilience? Life is not all roses round the door and sometimes it is necessary to face your fears and overcome them to find inner confidence and grow into a rounded adult. Some fear, some anxiety, some uncertainty is normal and young people can be encouraged through it in order to develop.

@Idratherbepaddleboarding

I like the cut of your lad's jib! 🤣👌

Kids don't see issues being resolved so much nowadays... everyone seems " toxic", or "narcissistic "... going "no contact", not resolving conflict
People don't answer a phone if they don't know who is ringing, don't answer the door if they aren't expecting anyone.

Sad and isolationist behaviour really. What message is it sending. It is certainly no help with resilience, and when the kids realise you can't just ignore everyone else in the world, they don't know how to deal with life.

Thats really interesting, I detailed above basically not letting my Dd quit and how much it helped her. It was awful for both of us at the time but she now knows she can overcome discomfort, it did amazing things for her confidence, she regularly asks us to just drop her off at Ikea softplay or at a kidsclub, she would never ever have done that a year ago.

I did intervene at school about another child being quite unkind to mine (DD used to come home crying regularly) her teacher gave a class about how we talk to others and I coached my DD on how to respond. It really helped, I’ll admit my first instinct was to ask the teacher to fix it but on reflection I realised that is we don’t train her up now to defend herself she’ll suffer later. Her teacher is brilliant (we have been very lucky to have teachers who promoted self sufficiency and we respected their experience enough to listen) and was very clear that direct intervention could do more harm than good up to a point. I think the fact that the school is strict but also warm and supportive is very helpful.

I do think a lot of the MH stuff encourages too much navel gazing and self analysis. i was diagnosed with GAD and working on my own actions and taking responsibility for my own feelings was a lot more helpful than expecting the world to bend around my feelings. I think it’s extremely dangerous to ignore or overly invest in a child's emotions. I am happy to acknowledge my own childs feelings of anxiousness but I won’t let it become a barrier to her doing things. I won’t let my DD waste her life like I did. Anxiety is insidious and once you let it get a grip of you it’s difficult to exorcise.

So many of these kinds of posts ignore the socio-economic realities of the world that we - the adults - have created for these children.

If you grew up in the UK and are now an adult over 40, the welfare state at least ensured most people had decent enough houses, schools and healthcare available to them. Kids now have experienced a decline in standards of living and far more are living in extreme poverty compared to previously. The UK is a far more unequal and yet vastly more materialistic society. Pretty anxiety-inducing for anyone let alone a child.

Young people are much more able to access the world when at home now via the internet, huge choices in entertainment and communication at their fingertips.

When I was a teen, being at home was generally a bit boring.

Regarding school refusal, there really is no way you can say how you would handle it unless you've been through it. My DD has been refusing off and on since reception. Now she is 10 I cannot drag her in, nor will teachers restrain her. I have never let her stay home, even when she was smashing her head against the floor in distress. So you cannot possibly say that you would just make her get over it, because it there is no cure. She gets no TV or tablet when she stays home. Doesn't bother her. Anything but school.

My son has started a specialist state school - he has ASD. Whilst we didn’t have any school refusal it was a constant battle to keep him on an even keel.

There are 4 boys in his class who all refused school. All have been going in happily with no issue at their new school.

No stupid strict rules around uniform
Clear expectations around behaviour
Ability to have a time out if needed
Teachers who make time to talk them through tricky episodes

My son is a changed child in less than a month. It shows what time and resources really do.

I’ve never heard more from him about school in the last 5 years. He’s finally somewhere he can be who he is without any fear or anxiety.

I think we've told ('we' as in 'society') have told YP these things and they've taken them in?

School/uni was also a pressure when I was finishing school in the early 80s and there were far fewer uni places much less degree options then.

Employment wasn't great when I graduated - I in my innocence thought who was going to want me with my shiny new degree? Turned out nobody really did, so I had to take steps to make that happen.

Cost of living wasn't great back then either.

In my 20s working until I was 60 seemed like forever then too, because I was never going to be that old; I'd have eternal youth.

I don't recall even thinking about buying a house either. It was something away in the future.

Cardiganoutsidein · Today 19:13

taxguru · Today 13:35
16% interest was for a VERY short period of time. Anyway, 16% on a mortgage of £30k is a hell of a lot less than 5% on a mortgage of £200k!
Direct taxes, such as income tax was higher, but VAT, national insurance, fuel duty, alcohol duties, rates/council tax etc were far lower. We also didn't have insurance premium tax, landfill taxes, air passenger taxes etc etc. Nor were there student loan repayments.
Show quote history
But only the privileged few had the opportunity to go to university.
travel abroad was a pipe dream for all but the most wealthy.
none of the supermarkets sold houmous.
Boomers certainly had it better than their parents, but I’m certainly glad I’m a woman now than 30 years ago. I’d never have had the opportunities I have now.

@taxguru - I think you are forgetting that salaries were commensurately less?

A parent on here recently posted to ask about their childs halls of residence, whether they were going to be missing out on anything. If the parents are anxious about everything how can the children not be?

This total contrast between this and the entire University involvement of my parents being a lift there pretty much sums it up for me.

@Idratherbepaddleboarding I like the sound of your lad, we should interview him about loads of things. Good perspective.

I haven’t read the thread, sorry. But I listened to a book by an NHS consultant psychiatrist recently who spoke about pathologizing everyday life and things we all experience. Ie people watching Tik Tok and deciding they have adhd because they are a bit unorganised or scatty.

I see this quite a lot, it’s easy to diagnose yourself with something if you’re looking for it and then I guess it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Also I’m not saying mental illness doesn’t exist and I have a current diagnosis of anxiety - but I think having dehabilitating mental illness and being able to use it as a shield to avoid life is relatively new and gaining disproportionate momentum.

I was dropped off with a weeks worth of shopping and a hug.

I don't remember being in that much, we were always doing something with someone