What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

I have a 13 yr old DS, and he and his mates, since covid, don't socialise outside of school, other than an arranged game of footie once in a blue moon. Before lockdowns they "played out". It feels like they missed a period of transition from playing out to hanging out,and don't know how to do it.

Because life is so much more complicated?

When I went to Uni in the 90s, I literally got a letter detailing where I needed to be and when for my first day. Assignments were given during seminars and were one page of A4 at the very max.

Now you need a degree in Moodle to navigate the work. Assignments seem to fall over multiple pages for each module. Different timetables for each module rather than one timetable.

It's exhausting. No wonder students are fed up and unengaged.

Covid lockdowns harmed a whole generation of youngsters. What they did to young people was brutal.

I wasn't going to say initially to limit Internet use. Or using the phone etc as the only tool.i would say trust and learning, learn your own instincts, understand your responses, work out what matters to you but definitely embrace as much as the world you can. So much can be positive, so many paths open up to delight. Yes be cautious or wary. That's not the same as crippling anxiety or depression. It's not wrong to feel. We are alive after all. Yes as youngsters it's all learning but choose good paths, don't get lost in the morass. Go out for those walks. discover what makes you tick and the rest will fall by the wayside as it should. Life should be a great adventure 😌

Yes this too.

I went to see a 15 year old at home, missing from school on and off for over a year. I've gone round to meet her - to help. Her mother simply said, she didn't feel like coming downstairs today so won't be meeting you.
I wouldn't have dreamt of not coming downstairs to meet an adult at that age. Respect. Mother was a wimp. Child was clearly walking all over her, because she could.

Come on- it wasn’t respect that would have made you go down, it would have been fear, calling the mother a wimp for not shoving her daughter to meet you is ridiculous. Some teens are bloody stubborn. If a teen says they won’t meet with you there’s nothing short of manhandling them which isn’t possible/ faesible or legal

Here we go, Covid one upmanships

But only the privileged few had the opportunity to go to university.

travel abroad was a pipe dream for all but the most wealthy.

none of the supermarkets sold houmous.

Boomers certainly had it better than their parents, but I’m certainly glad I’m a woman now than 30 years ago. I’d never have had the opportunities I have now.

It's not just the young people. In my small department we have lost nearly 400 man hours since January alone. People of all ages. Mostly due to people's inability to cope with the outrageous demands of coming to work five days a week and performing the tasks for which they were employed. Virtually all claim some kind of anxiety or poor mental health. Whilst there are some genuine cases, I fear many have just cottoned on to HRs kid gloves approach to these issues. That said, I'd staff the entire place with boomers if I had my way. The baggage that comes with an average 20 year old isn't worth the hassle.

I think, as well, young people are sold a myth of 'you can achieve anything you want in life' with no caveat that you need to have realistic goals and a plan b. That is setting them up for disappointment when they arrive in the real world of work.

They had access to sport. They could run, cycle, walk. It meant that parents had to step up and ensure their children got out, either after work or before work. Many parents just let their children watch tv, use unsupervised, computers and smart phones. There's a lot parents could have done to mitigate the effects of covid. Unfortunately the parenting approach of 'gentle' doesn't work. It doesn't teach children resilience, self discipline, or give them adequate boundaries with which to negotiate their way through life.

Not surprising really though when people on OF, people on social media can make thousands a month for inane content that requires zero talent or intelligence. It's hard to 'sell' a career that pays peanuts and takes commitment.

Schools sadly are tick box institutions nowadays. Most of what goes on is to achieve things like a banner outside the gates saying “outstanding”, a league table of which churns out the most GCSE’s. Factor in that many are having to accept children that have been appallingly raised in their early years, and having to start with such pupils almost all over again in terms of basics like nappy training, how to eat using a fork or spoon, etc….. Nope, this isn’t school is for🤷‍♀️ I really am so grateful that I made a very early decision not to teach, ending up doing a different career. Got younger family members who are teachers, infant, primary, secondary and headship. They come home with some proper horror stories around some parents. One has already switched and gone to mentoring young teachers rather than teaching themselves, and another is just fed up with the daily dross. Both come from teaching backgrounds as well, so went into it with their eyes open.

One reason some people keep blaming lockdowns (and I do this as well) for the problems of the young is because for a long time, many of us foresaw this, and we were not allowed to blame lockdowns, or to voice our concerns that they would harm children, if they went on too long. We were told to shut up and stop murdering grannies, that Uncle Boris and his scientists knew what was best, and nothing mattered apart from saving lives (and it's highly questionable that lockdowns did this). There was no incentive in government to keep lockdowns as short as they could; it seems they dragged them out for as long as they could, to earn the approval of the terrified public who pleaded "keep as safe at any cost".

Now that the effects of the glorious prolonged lockdowns are making themselves felt, we are voicing our concerns in a way that we couldn't when it really mattered. Maybe we are being lazy and reckless with it; but now that our concerns are becoming more and more justified, yet we were gagged by the collective hysteria, we want to be damn sure we are never silenced again, should lockdowns ever again be contemplated.

My guess would be lockdown and smartphones.

There are strong links to MH in young people and social media - whether that's they see so much more today than my generation did or they feel they're in a goldfish bowl, I don't know.

My DD has debilitating anxiety. She can't attend classes, doesn't want to deal with people f2f and her own generation put the fear of God into her. I am confident and assertive. Her dad was too, so it's not based on behaviours she's seen in us. We also brought the kids up to be independent and largely they are. She has ADHD, CFS, is likely ASD and has hypermobility, so she gets joint injuries all the time for no reason.

It's hard to deal with as a parent - I paid a hynotherapist for the anxiety which worked the first time and it lasted for years, but when it manifested again and we tried it a second time, she resisted it, so it's absolutely useless now. Meds don't work.

At least she will get ADHD meds soon...I just hope that helps and also addresses her cfs. We can then start to look at the anxiety. I feel so bad for young people tbh. Covid def did not help any of them.

Herd immunity was never going to work. It would have killed millions more. Elderly and vulnerable people don't exist in a vacuum you know! I thought herd immunity had been discredited anyway?!

1. COVID, combined with
2. Social media

It possibly depended upon the intelligence level of the media you chose to read/watch. I am sure all the thousands of families who lost loved ones might think differently. Far too many conspiracy theorists were running rampant during COVID. Couple this with a rather inept Government, way out of its depth in terms of being prepared and delivering services and information. Huge mistakes made, but the threat pre vaccine was very real. That’s why the over anxious started bulk buying loo rolls and tins of food.

Or smartphones / social media and parents

And this is important

Covid was obviously very bad when it first started - otherwise why did so many health workers on the front line die?
It obviously mutated as it spread through the population and started to be less dangerous to most people.
But I think it's easy to look back now and say we shouldn't have locked down. At the time, with nurses and Drs caring for sick people dying and the numbers of dead rising rapidly in Italy for example, it was a different story.

Apologies if these have been said already, no time to read the entire thread.

Replacement of the play-based childhood with a phone-based childhood;
Decline in childhood independence and free play;
Culture of safetyism and trust taken away from children and young people;
Helicopter parenting;
Parents having fewer children, more (over-)involvement with them, less time spent with siblings and friends;

Excessive demands made on young people by culture of constant assessment, testing, grades, no space to fail, high pressure;
Decline in communities, neighbourliness, religious organisations that offered sense of community, cohesion and safeness;
Possibly decline in outdoor play and team sports participation (as above);
Replacement of in-person socialising with gaming / the internet / forums / constant surficial visual comparison (instagram), etc;
Obviously social media, absolutely disastrous for young people (esp. girls);
Attendant problems of a phone-based childhood - lost opportunity costs (average US teen spends 9 hours per days on their phone. 9 HOURS!), attention fragmentation, sleep deprivation, social deprivation, addiction;
Decline in young peoples romantic relationships;
Not sure if young people have as many part time jobs as before?;
Covid didn't help;

And OP, if you haven't already, read 'The Coddling of the American Mind' for changes on university campuses (largely US), and 'The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness' (western world), both by Jonathan Haidt, and maybe 'Free Range Kids' by Lenore Skenazy.

I work in MH and I'm very worried about what is coming. The young people we are seeing coming from CAHMs are much more acutely unwell than any generation before. These are not people putting it on. They are suicidal, they are isolating themselves to extremes, some don't open their bedroom doors at all.
The question is why:

• technology
• weed
• lack of secure future
• climate change
• knowledge about how corrupt everything is
• neurodiversity (not only the amount of ND children but the severity of symptoms)
• parents being distracted/ not present
• unpopular one but family breakdown

Yes Covid has a part but wider problems in society have a huge part to play too!

Parents trying to be their children’s friends instead of actually parenting

Lack of discipline in kids lives

Family dynamics with more blended and single
parent families - kids being split between 2 homes and getting stuck in crossfire between parents and families

Social media - peer pressure - bullying etc

Lack of respect for elders and other people generally - selfish attitudes and always putting yourself first

These kind of societal issues have gotten so much worse and it can only manifest itself in the way kids behave - especially when teachers have lost the authority to discipline kids effectively as they’re scared of crazy parents who’ll get them sacked!