What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Also the sort of kid who'd behave like that would be more likely to get away with not bothering to turn up at all in the 80s. Win win situation, if anything.

I am not a boomer, but I agree with a lot of this.

It absolutely would have! And you would have been causing disgrace to your parents, whereas a lot of parents now would probably see it as a badge of honour! The child didn't lick that off the back of the door!

Oh I do agree - all is not lost. So much depends on the parenting though! I've always been very matter of fact and it was a given that they never missed a day of school unless they were really ill. To the extent that I one day made my youngest go when he said he felt sick, only for him to barf spectacularly at the school gate! (I guess he really was sick then!)

Purely anecdotal observations:
Covid - yes, of course;
General ease of living these days (COL notwithstanding, talking about one-click ordering, autofill, on demand, infinite choice, Google, cheap clothing, working from home, constant access to passive entertainment opportunities etc) makes the simplest things (e.g. going somewhere at a particular time) seem really hard;
Parenting style getting increasingly inattentive as parents are too busy or just want to be friends with their kids so give them free rein;
Social media;
The world at their fingertips/in their back pocket;
General state of the world;
Financial pressures facing their generation;
Bleak future regarding the environment;
Schools that try to mould little bank clerks like it's 1880 - but mixed in with Stakhonovite gulag-style rules about coats;
Chronically underfunded state schools;
Rising diagnosed cases of SEN and desperately poor provision, meaning everyone suffers...
There's probably more...

You got paid and had a lovely time during lock down I take it?

Haha yeah, I grew up in a rough area and even the self proclaimed well 'ard kids would crumble at the thought of their parents being called in. Now a lot of parents will tell their children how the school sucks and is in the wrong instead of backing them up. People did get in trouble for not being in school as well, the truancy officer used to do their rounds around the estate I remember getting a knock when poorly.

I haven't read the whole thread but in my friendship circles I'd say I see a lot of parents holding their kids back rather than encouraging independence.

They drive them to and from absolutely everything including school even when plenty of public transport / walking available.

They seem to expect no help around the house and are still making their teenagers lunches in the school holidays etc...

I'd say less than half of my kids friends have part time jobs.

Also letting them get out of doing things they don't want to do. Whereas I tell my kids in life as an adult you do occasionally have to do things you don't want to.

I just think if you want them to go off to university or into the world of work at 18 and be an independent adult you do have to help them get there.

Lockdown affected different folks different ways. Some kids in their teens volunteered (well, were encouraged to get off their arses and do something by parents) to help out... taking prescriptions, library books and shopping to neighbours... socially distanced as per the rules... cutting grass, tidying gardens. Our Facebook local page was inundated with requests for help, lots stood up and gave things a go. Not sure why they are all being marked as kids left home, lonely on devices developing mental health issues.

I think a lot of the mental health “support” offered has no basis in evidence and is delivered by well meaning but ultimately unqualified people far outside of their area of professional expertise and responsibility. There’s far too much navel gazing around behaviour -see all that bollocks about zones of regulation. It’s not difficult to model good behaviour in a school, especially when parents are backing you up. The fact that most parents expect everything to bend around their kids is a huge part of the problem.

To add to this - the constant managing of the children’s lives so they’re never bored, ferrying them from one club to the next, never leaving them to engage in play with each other, and my personal bug bear, tracking their phones so they know where they are at all times. Theyre never left to problem solve on their own.

I work in a secondary school.. the levels of anxiety and fear are so high in many.

In a nutshell, we’ve young people who have very little resilience trying to live in a fairly tough society. It’s not a great combination

Agreed.

Social media. Namby pamby parenting. Unrealistic expectations. Expecting everything for nothing.

It's not about whether hamsters are unimportant or not, it's about perspective in terms of loss.

Everyone knows that it's ok to be sad at the loss of a pet or a relative. But when you get a pet hamster you know that it is not going to live long and you are not going to develop a deep and meaningful or fulfilling relationship with it. They are cute, they depend on you but they give little in terms of emotional feedback. A dog is going to live longer, you will develop some form of mutual bond with it and it has a greater capacity to communicate emotionally so the relationship is deeper. Your gran is hopefully more intelligent than your dog so the relationship you have with her should be deeper, more meaningful and more mutual.

The loss of a hamster should not affect you as deeply as the loss of a longstanding pet like a dog or your gran. If your young adult is so upset about a hamster that they can't attend a lecture you should be questioning what you have taught them about love and loss in their childhood.

Imagine if I rang in sick for work because my guinea pig died? It's laughable. Yes, I'm sad, but not incapacitated by the loss.

I’m a teacher and have had parents of 17/18 year olds email in to say that asking their children to read small passages (no more than 2 or 3 sentences) aloud is making their child too anxious to come into my classroom.

seriously?!

why couldn’t the child approach me (I’m a complete softie) and how is excusing them from anything even a little uncomfortable beneficial for them longer term?!

Because some people still insist on laying all blame for the ills of today on the 'Boomer' generation and that's just not true. Every generation has its own challenges.

It's not all Covid, we can't keep blaming that forever.

A lot of it is social media, it's so intense and the majority of kids are glued to it & are so influenced by it. Mine both are & I know they are often worried & influenced by what they see there. They are both late teens.

Also we are diagnosing more and more children who are ND but not changing the education system to fit this. If anything the system is becoming more & more pressured & results focus. This seems to me to be just setting kids up to fail. No wonder lots can't face going in.

And "gentle parenting" styles aren't helping either. Kids are generally more entitled & way less resilient these days.

I learnt today that some of my friends still pack the school bags of their sixth form children every day, ensuring that the have the correct books, snacks, PE kit, stationery. Sixth form. Not year six.

how these 17/18 year olds will cope at university next year worries me. I think they will be among the cohort the OP describes.

Hope this small example helps explain what you’re faced with OP.

As I mentioned earlier (waaaay earlier) is see some sorts of fragility in my 16yo, but they are mainly privates ones when they have wobbles about coping with things like workloads. I do think giving them independence has mitigated against other potential issues. They travel around and across London, they go out to shows and concerts in the evening with friends and so on - I do see some young people who seem so super awkward about having to interact face-to-face with people they don't know, be that waiters or London Underground staff, so DH and I have always encouraged the kids to interact with people and ask questions themselves rather than getting us to do it so they can deal with this.

I note already that a lot of things like mobile phone support now rely on chatbots or user forums to sort everything out, that already makes me feel like a dinosaur! I guess it's useful in sparing people awful call centre jobs (and callers) but it's like the world is forcing people further and further apart.

There've been a few posts now from people who seem to think there's a time limit on ill effects of covid and lockdown. That we have to stop blaming it either now or at some point in the future. I'm quite intrigued by this. Is it that you think they will go/have gone away after a certain point, or is it more that you want it to stop being talked about?

I had a conversation with a work colleague who'd be involved in discussions around SEN and was told that demand for SEN school places has risen exponentially since 2020. You'd have to wonder?

We were saying all of this before covid came about though? All this 'oh they're snowflakes, oh they all have anxiety'.

I know you think you're a brilliant parent, and that other parents whose children are struggling with attendance and mental illness are shite, but when you see enormous and rapid change happening right across a population, in more than one country, it's not going to be the result of a widespread and sudden failure in parenting.