What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

@LoveInAWildTime

I would add lazy, absent and emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive parenting and most of the other adults' behaviour.
Only the strongest ones plodded through, otherwise boys (men) now, former schoolmates are in prison for violence, girls/women in MH institutions.
I know of at least five of my former schoolmates.
My parents were a silent generation, in my country the most abusive bastards ever.
No one of us dared to peep if we were anxious, only for the embarrassment of being ostracized and laughed at by parents and teachers.
I'm 45, no kids (what a surprise) and born in a former Communist country.

This article was in the Gaurdian July 2022 - "Teacher sick days soar as poor conditions take toll on mental health"
Teachers have spent at least 1.5 million days off work owing to stress and mental health issues, new figures have revealed, amid continued concerns over the increasing pressures they are facing in the classroom.
With long-running concerns about workloads and growing class sizes, new data seen by the Observer suggests that the number of days lost to mental health issues in some council-controlled schools in England and Wales has increased by 7% from the previous year. It is also up by almost a fifth compared to three years ago.

The data came in response to freedom of information requests provided by 143 out of 152 local education authorities in England and Wales. In total, over seven million teacher days have been lost to stress and mental health issues in the past five years. They showed a steady increase, highlighting the pressures that the pandemic put on teaching stafff*

So why have teachers stress levels increased so much and why is it then not a surprise that their students MH has increased too. One of my kids ended up with a series of stand-in teachers for almost the whole 2 years of one of her A' levels as her teacher was off with long term stress. She came back occasionally only to leave again. My kid found that stressful.

School every day might be the most important three words of that post. What you describe here is all very communal. Bet she knew the neighbours well too.

It's worth emphasising, as well, that there are lots of young people in this demographic who do have their shit together, who are able to function effectively as independent adults and who are able to manage their emotions in a healthy manner. Young people who are living life to the full and who aren't afraid of pushing outside their comfort zones.

It would be interesting to analyse the factors that seem to have contributed to their healthy development into adulthood, and how they seem to have sailed through some of the things that have contributed to the poor mental health and low confidence levels among their peers. What is it that makes the difference, I wonder?

My Dad is a child of war, born in a refugee camp. The answer is they coped badly and are anxious, damaged adults. HTH.

DS came top in his school for GCSE. DD exceeded expectations in all her SATs and neither of them are at all anxious, so I’ll take that as a compliment. Thank you, it’s very kind of you to say so.

Yes, all of these, not just covid.

Look at the absolutely ridiculous uniform rules and being put into isolation if they have the wrong shoes. I went to a strict all-girls' grammar school and we didn't have rules that strict. We didn't wear ties and when the uniform was navy shorts for PE, I had navy shorts with white stripes down them. Nowadays I'd have ended up in detention - then it was accepted until I grew out of them.

As for wartime, I don't think kids did cope. I think they had a lot of problems afterwards, but there was no help back then. And they didn't have some of the other problems we have now, like a lack of jobs or competitive social media.

COVID is a convenient excuse for a lot of this. It’s more likely to be social media, poor inattentive parenting (too busy on there own ruddy phones), unhealthy eating lifestyles, too little exercise, and frankly, some horrible life choices by parents. Gutter press doesn’t help either, nor does the banal wannabe type TV bilge that most channels churn out.
My Mum and Dad grew up through a War, not the best of housing conditions, no NHS, not a great deal of money. Rich in love and attention though. They raised their children in a much better house, a stable environment, two hardworking parents, better schools that were local, a very good NHS, healthy food, and plenty of fresh air and exercise. We weren’t overweight, bored, frightened, pressured by school to hit targets and in the main quite capable of spending our teenage years earning a bit of pocket money doing Saturday jobs, socialising with our peers doing cinemas, teenage disco’s, lots of sporting activities and making the most of our free time. We walked lots of places, used buses and trains to get out and about, Uni was there for those who wanted a career, proper jobs and technical training courses for those who didn’t.
Then the sh*t hit the fan, and suddenly lots of things were privatised, and life became a lot more expensive, everything had a “target culture”. Cue anxiety. Then social media arrived, youngsters watching, listening to too much dross, trying out new fads, desperate to find out where they fitted in, feeding off each other’s fears and wanting to “fit in”. On the one hand you got much needed legislation around discrimination of all types, but on the other hand it seems everyone now needs a “label”, of some sorts as a crutch. It’s no wonder so many are mental health challenged. You know the country is on its knees when nail bars, vape shops, tattoo parlours proliferate our high streets, and TV is full of alcohol, betting and unhealthy food adverts. A very sad state of affairs.
Most (but sadly not all) children in this country have no conception of what real fear, cruelty, poverty, is like. Plenty of other places around the World do. Many just need a bit less indulgence, a lot more of the right attention and guidance and to be themselves rather than following silly people and crazes online.

Covid had a massively impact and I don’t see why people won’t believe that. Also parents aren’t allowed to give their kids independence anymore. How many post do we have about parents asking “is it ok for my 10 yo to go to the corner shop on their own?”. And most responses are no. I think we as parents get judged a lot more and that probably rubs off onto our children.

I think,as someone wrote earlier, it has a lot to do with young people socialising via the internet and this started before covid. I know some who are petrified to speak on the phone and they can only text. Young people need to socialise and meet people face to face and not just online. Unfortunately, it is a case of relearning how to interact with people and learn how to deal with everyday life problems.

Was being anxious and worried not always there though, it's just we talk about it now? Personally, I hated secondary school. I reckon nowadays I would have had help , but as it was I was just told to get on with it. My children are in secondary now and are thriving. Lockdown genuinely didn't touch the sides for them. They are very different to me but for an anxious person I can totally understand why lockdown would have been a game changer.

Kids have no resilience nowadays

Yes they do. This is a really lazy thing to accuse them of.

It was the same during covid, it was easier to accuse them of lacking resilience than to accept that lockdown was damaging for them.

As for wanting to fit in, I think there's less of that than there was when I was a teen. In the 80s, if you didn't listen to what was current music-wise, you were "square". Now you can listen to what you like. Fashion seems to be more accepting as well.

Some of it is people not wanting to accept the negative consequences of covid policy they supported.

I don't say this to try and have a debate about whether we should've locked down or not. We were between a rock and a hard place, and for these purposes it doesn't matter whether it was the right thing or not. Only that it's the one we picked. But there's definitely an element of fingers in ears lalalalala from people who aren't willing to accept that these negative consequences were baked in, and this was known at the time.

For the sake of balance, in a parallel universe where we didn't lock down there'd no doubt also be people who couldn't bring themselves to recognise the negative consequences of that too.

Covid played a massive part. My DD was 14 in 2020 and the age that she should have started being more independent with her social life. Going shopping and out with her mates etc but she didn't and by the time things had gone back to some sort of normality she was 16 and sitting GCSEs and sixth form. So it absolutely contributed and I treat it as a literal 2 year set back in terms of milestones she would have been doing independence wise in those two years missed.

That being said, to me the main thing is lack of resilience. I'm not sure who is to blame for that, more its a combination of factors in society today. And subsequently it really isn't their fault as they are only a product of their environment.

My DD went through a stage about 2 years ago when she was very anxious to do anything (refer back to first paragraph, I did understand why) but she wouldn't got to the shop on her own and found quite seemingly small things daunting. It may seem a harsh approach to some, but whilst I provided her with empathy and understanding I pretty much made it clear that the only way to overcome is to push yourself and overcome those barriers. if you can just go to the shop, a couple of times, then you will see its not so bad and it will no longer make you anxious etc. We encouraged her to take up a volunteer position, which then led to her taking a paid job as a waitress, which in turn boosted her confidence and she improved massively over a period of 12 months. She's just started university and she's really got stuck in, met new people, gone out, joined clubs.

On the other hand, I have two friends with children the same age, who went through the same stage and instead of encouraging them to try and overcome it they let their children sink into it and even somewhat (IMO) indulged it. Those children dropped out of education or not proceeded with higher education. And from what I can tell their lives have become their anxieties. I don't know what sort of adults they will become. My friends despair but all I hear from them when I say well why don't they try joining this club, or volunteering here, or going for a walk here is 'oh so-and-so can't possibly do that because of their anxiety'. Note neither of these children have been diagnosed by a medical professional or medicated for anxiety.

Now I don't pretend to think that my approach would work for someone suffering from serious anxiety or other mental health disorders. But I knew my daughter well enough to know that wasn't the case for her and she needed to get out of a rut and be encouraged and supported.

There is a strong focus on mental health, which is positive in many ways. There is better education on mental health, but that education needs to be backed up by the fact we all have mental health and it can be good, bad, neutral, etc. And that this can change, you can have bad anxiety one week because of something in particular that makes you anxious but it can be better the next week. That doesn't equate to you having anxiety and limiting your life because of it. And that a certain level of stress/anxiety is normal, healthy if anything. I mean if your exams or starting uni, or a new job, or a difficult family matter, doesn't cause you anxiety then there's probably something wrong with you. Its normal to be anxious about these things and its how you cope with them that matters and developing coping mechanisms instead of shying away from them.

For a large number of reasons, young people aren't developing or being taught these coping mechanisms and instead are having excuses made for them or making excuses so they don't have to cope. And in doing so will never learn to cope, will never build up resilience and will never get better.

There is a big age gap between my dp (who is a functioning adult) and his younger sibling (who absolutely isnt) and it is 100% down to parenting. For reasons I won't go into they were bought up using very different parenting styles, the younger one can't do anything for himself and blames all his problems on anxiety. Going to the pub/gym/golf etc is absolutely fine, making a phone call to the bank or organising a job interview throws him into a panic. I don't understand it tbh but it's definitely not covid related.

So why have teachers stress levels increased so much and why is it then not a surprise that their students MH has increased too. One of my kids ended up with a series of stand-in teachers for almost the whole 2 years of one of her A' levels as her teacher was off with long term stress. She came back occasionally only to leave again. My kid found that stressful.

DS and DD2 have both had that with a few subjects at GCSE - and DS college also had issues but college seem to get more long term stand ins and manage it all better.

However you're right it is added pressure on them and us at home trying to fill gaps.

Teacher retention and happiness levels and their workloads is a massive issue all on it's own.

I never criticised your parenting, I just said the lessons your kids learnt that you listed, were the result of your parenting choices, not the fault of anything else. I'm not saying that's good or bad but tbh your post, my comment and now your response are excellent examples of the issues around parenting now. You can't even have a civil back and forth without someone getting upset and extremely defensive.
I'm happy for you that your children achieved well but please know parents on the whole don't directly play a huge part in how many As their child gets.

I think the reason kids can't or won't do things is because of helicopter parenting, something I am guilty of myself. It's just easier to do something yourself, especially when you need to get out to work.

Really? I'm 66 and this was what life was like for me growing up:

1. Lived in a 2 up, 2 down rented house with no heating apart from coal fires downstairs, no bathroom or inside toilet. Shared a room with older then younger brother until I was 16.
2. Peace? We lived under constant fear of nuclear war.
3. Low taxes? Google tax rates in the 60s, 70s and 80s, mate (for example, the basic rate in 1960-61 was 7s and 9d per pound and there were 20s in a pounD - that's getting on towards 40%) THe basic rate of tax began to be reduced under Thatcher (came to power in 79), when it stood at 33%. In 1988 it had been cut to 25%.
4. Housing - you need to look at who it was that destroyed the housing situation in the Uk and it wasn't "boomers" - it was Thatcher's policy of flogging off council housing and encouragement to banks, etc to give out more and more mortgages - hardly the fault of "boomers". I lived in rented accommodation until I was finally able to buy a one-bedroom flat with my partner when I was 28 (I was by then a double graduate and a teacher on a head of faculty salary; my partner was a graduate careers adviser).
5. This being "handed out utilities" notion - Thatcher and Major flogged off the utilities, nobody "handed them" to any of us. They're mostly owned by foreign businesses, if you hadn't noticed.
6. Seriously - why is your anger directed at generations who mostly had much lower standards of living then most of "Gen Z" as children and young adults? Politicians created our current economic situation. But claiming things that aren't true (as in the items listed above) is daft.

The problem is the concept of "parenting" at all. As if it's a thing you do, rather than a thing you are.

Back in the day, people were parents and didn't navel gaze about "parenting styles" and the like. And we were better off for it.

Absolute bollocks.
And I'm not a boomer.

OP asked about 16 - 20 year olds. None of this stuff is on the radar of my 20 year old and I doubt it is for many doing A levels, at college/university or taking first steps into the world of employment.

I do believe the lack of socialising in person is a significant issue whether down to online entertainment or COVID. There is also the invidious rise of 'I'm special' fed by social media platforms. We would do our young people a great service if we encourage them to look outwards and realise others are not perfect either. Most are struggling with something.

I have sympathy for those with significant mental health issues. It's going to get harder for those at the mild end if you watched Keir Starmer the other day. They are going to be pushed to start work.

It's this kind of anecdote that people use to say how much the lockdowns damaged teens, but my eldest is exactly the same, which is exactly the same as I was at that age. Some people are just introverts, and that's fine!

The issue is with a lack of resilience: speak to any teacher and they'll tell you how many parents they deal with, who not only won't discipline or encourage a work ethic in their child, but will actively get in the way of the school trying to do it to, so the children never learn to deal with difficult situations or improving themselves.

I'm so glad that depression is no longer taboo and mental health issues can be talked about and dealt with, but the problem is that children are learning from a really young age that they can choose to opt out of things that make them feel uncomfortable, challenged, and/or like they've failed. In some ways, these are really valuable lessons to learn and it's great they recognise their own boundaries, but in reality it's mostly Tiktokkers feeding kids the idea that you never have to do anything that doesn't give you immediate and immense pleasure.

Some children/teens/young adults are having terrible lives and struggling through really difficult mental and physical issues, but a huge number are just never shown the tools to get on with living life day to day, and choose instead to sit on phones and feel worse every day.

I feel your pain @EveningSpread I work in a discipline where collaboration and speaking up are amongst the professional competencies they need to develop. Yet I have some students with "medically" (I mean well-meaning often unqualified counsellors in wellbeing ...) approved accommodations which include "Cannot be called on in class," "Cannot work in groups" and "May not be able to attend."

I have come to absolutely judge their parents who throw up their hands and send their DC off to university knowing the DC will have difficulties. And we're the ones who are blamed when students can't cope. Their parents know their DC won't cope. Yet "going to university" is going to perform a miracle?

If parents want to agitate for university staff to be culpable for their DC's failures, illnesses etc, then I reserve the right to guide these students' lives: sleep from 10pm to 6am; get up, go for a walk; eat properly; do some volunteer work every week to get out of contemplating your navel ... and so on.

Be very very scared😎

I agree. It does feel like people are really quite desperate to belong and seem to find a lot of comfort in labels, this is in all areas of life.