What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

My 19 year old has always struggled on and off with anxiety, but she was doing OK until she had a massive mental health breakdown in the first Covid lockdown. Developed an eating disorder, OCD traits, couldn’t leave her room let alone the house for a long time, self harmed and then took an overdose and was diagnosed with social anxiety

She wasn’t particularly worried about Covid in itself, but the isolation, abrupt change in routine, schools being closed, away from friends/her boyfriend, not able to access her normal support network and not being able to access help just about finished her (and me to be honest) off.

We’ve spent the last 4 years putting her back together. We’re slowly coming out of the other side of it now, but it’s still very hard. She has good days and bad days.

She also has Tourette’s and due to her tics was unable to wear a mask. She is still very nervous and anxious about leaving the house due to the abuse, threats and downright awful behaviour she was subjected to during the mask mandates.

She was also late diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago and her story seems to be pretty standard in Autistic girls.

I have an older daughter who also has some issues with anxiety (no where near the same extent as her younger sister) but has got better as she’s got older. She finished uni and is about to move in with her boyfriend and start her degree-related job. It doesn’t seem to have affected her quite so badly

Actually they had the Vietnam War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, the threat of nuclear anihilation, massive racism, massive misogyny and sex discrimination.

But what they had and have is resilience, common sense, and personal responsibility, which goes a hell of a long way toward thriving.

@Rainallnight

There have been working mums - on the same basis as men, not PT or whatever - in all communist countries in Europe since the 1940s.

I don't mean to be that person, and I'm not saying DD didn't go out to play when she finished her work but those things are your parenting, not COVID.

I'm not convinced that this is a factor, personally. I think the quality of relationships with parents may be relevant in some cases, but that's a totally different issue.

My dd is in the age group that the OP is talking about, and I've known lots of her friends since they were tiny. A number of them have struggled with their mental health (many of them haven't!) but I see no correlation at all between those that have struggled and those that had working mothers from a young age.

If anything, I think part of the problem these days is that parents (both SAHP and WOHP) are often over involved in stuff, rushing in to fix the smallest of problems, talk to the teachers about the most minor issues in school etc. If we don't allow children to solve minor problems by themselves, then how will they develop the confidence and problem solving skills to be able to tackle the bigger issues for themselves when they are older? Sometimes, parents might need to take a step back and support children to fix things for themselves.

Handed to them on a plate?!?

Hardly.

I would argue that some secondary schools are the opposite. I certainly think they are too large and the teachers are fighting a never ending battle with little support. However, my kids secondary school has a uniform policy (not over priced, the only item which is branded is the blazer and tie) the rest can be from any shop/supermarket, however the school rarely enforce the policy so despite my continual battles with my kids to wear theirs they refuse because "nobody lese does". I know in an ideal world we would all have kids who did what their parent said but we dont, even the "good" kids.

I blame the Internet and all it's exposure .

My DS was 16 in 2020, he has since sat a levels, got a job, got an apprenticeship moved out of home into a flat share with friends.

It does depend very much on the individual, but I think that a lot of kids are just not taught how to be resilient, how to pick yourself up after a knock back. I think a lot of parents do too much for their kids and don't teach them how to fend for themselves. I also think there is a huge amount of helicopter parenting and coupled with easy access to all that is going on in the world, it's not surprising some people are struggling. There is a lot less expected of kids and a lot of parents just do not set boundaries or expectations of their kids, don't give them anything no matter how small to be proud of. COVID didn't help, but it's really not the only thing going on. We need to take a good hard look at ourselves as adults and model the attitude/get up and go / optimism/resilience that we want to see in our kids.

Covid plus the rise of tech (screen time) Those two factors together have devastated a generation.

I have kids born in the 90s and my youngest born 2007. Parenting is MUCH harder now.

It is not parents' fault, this.

Government decisions have got us where we are now. Started before covid with the Labour governments free school nursery hours and the creation of a dual income economy.

That has taken parents out of the home in the early years which has created time poor parents who really are struggling and juggling.

Kids off to a poor start in the early years as the pre school skills just are not there so reading is off to a slow start, angry kids even in P1, kids that cannot sit still, in nappies etc etc and so forth.

Kids that are failing at every stage and parents that have had their confidence bashed because they feel they are not good enough to teach these early years skills and their kids need to be in nursery aged 2.

It's ridiculous.

On another note, i think an interesting topic to research would be why it is that kids who have spent pre school years with a parent or gran at home seem to have a much better knowledge of songs and nursery rhymes than kids who attend childcare where they sing every day.

This has always puzzled me. I am a childminder for older kids and i know without being told the difference between kids who have spent their early years with a parent or grandparent at home and those that have been in daycare from tiny. This rhyming knowledge is just one thing.

Rhyming is crucial for a good start with reading. And reading is key to accessing the curriculum. Good language skills are key to building friendships and confidences and being happy and successful at school.

So - covid has really magnified problems that were starting to brew from the 90s born kids i think (later 90s)

Maybe so, but still, parents were allowing kids to have access to these things long before 2020.

Most of us posting here will remember life before the days of Facebook, TikTok, Instagram etc. I'm in my early 30s, and I still look back fondly on my childhood and feel very glad that I was part of the last generation to have a 'normal childhood' - in that we weren't given internet access or a phone from pretty much the day we could talk.

This won't be popular, but lazy parenting is endemic now. How many people just give their child a phone to play with, or plonk them in front of the TV/games console for hours etc because that's far easier (and cheaper) than alternative options?

Honestly, I think the full extent of the effect of social media on young people isn't yet fully appreciated. But we hear so, so many stories these days of seemingly happy children changing and ending up depressed or taking their lives, and much of it is to do with social media. Kids - and particularly young girls - grow up obsessed with their appearance and craving online validation.

I think this is a relevant point , modern families are time poor - that’s fine when things are going well but if kids have issues then they need time to talk

Can she go to a college and do them now?
GCSE'S grades ok?

This is a very interesting thread though - will catch up on all the comments later but I would agree with a number of posters. Partly Covid, partly inherited DNA, partly technology. Kids have no resilience nowadays. My experience with kids is that one has inherited anxiety from her dad, who inherited from his parents and again from their parents so a generational thing. This child will fight to not go to school if they don't want to, feel worried, say they don't feel well for a variety of reasons. When you have spent two hours forcing/persuading/pleading to get them to school and you know they are not going to go because they are in such a state then yes, I probably take the "easy" option and let them stay off because it gets the whole family stressed. We have tried everything to help them.

I dont think Covid helped at all. Kids were forced to stay at home. I have kids who check everything with me before doing it. Is it ok to write this? is it ok to say this? what should I do here? I don't ever remember asking my parents for as much assistance with anything.

I think covid has a lot to answer for but so does the education system. It’s a very different place to when the teenagers parents were at school. I’m a parent of a child with severe anxiety and an asd diagnosis. Anxious since birth tbh. But does leave the house etc it’s about managing and encouraging the things they find easier I have found. Such as hobbies. Maybe the college where you work isn’t the right fit for some of these teenagers. Also anxiety has many different levels I do wonder if some use it as an excuse but we can’t judge others situations without knowing.

I'm not convinced that this is a factor, personally. I think the quality of relationships with parents may be relevant in some cases, but that's a totally different issue.

Yes I agree. It's not just kids who are addicted to their smart phones - so many of their parents are also. I live next to a primary school. Many's the time I have seen a small kid trailing after their parent and trying to tell them about their day, and the parent has just been walking ahead scrolling on their phone.

I'm in my 50s. I knew kids with issues when I was going through school. I don't know but I can think of a fair few who may have been autistic and I definitely knew some who were depressed. There was lots of unemployment and drug/alcohol misuse in the town where I was raised. There seemed to be plenty of agnst'y moody teens, the music of the time suggests this too.

Suicide rates were higher in the 1980/90s than now and the overall suicide rate is actually low in recent years. Surely that is significant.

Teens are annoying if they use fake MH issues as a reason to excuse their behaviour but what happens when adults do the same thing.
If you go on NHS digital and look up how many employees took time off for MH reasons in MAY 2024 you find
Anxiety/stress/depression/other psychiatric illnesses was the most reported reason for sickness, accounting for over 562,000 full time equivalent days lost and 26.9% of all sickness absence in May 2024
Are people suggesting these employees need to tough it out? It's not young people taking this sickness leave.

I'm not sure I completely buy into the idea that youngsters are all delicate flowers and older people are more stoic.

Having said that I don't like the way young people always seem to be being pressurized at school and Uni. I plodded through school and didn't give things too much thought. My own kids all worked considerably harder than I ever did. I had a good work ethic outside of school but didn't do anything like the amount of schoolwork than my kids did.

Lazy absent parenting and poor food was definitely around when I was a kid.

Yep, it's the interference with wider social contracts. Once they've been interfered with, they can't automatically be re-established, and choosing to try and observe them again on an individual or family level isn't the same thing as them being a social norm.

@Blondiebeachbabe yes, all of this issues existed before COVID, yet it’s the talk of them that’s the problem, right?

Why? Dogs live about 10-14 years compared to a hamsters 1-2.
Dogs can bond with the family, they can come on days out, you spend more time with them, there is mutual affection. Dogs have more personality than a hamster. I could go on……

and yes I have owned dogs and hamsters.

Both my grandmothers worked full time- both my parents were latch key kids. DH was latch key kid from younger than acceptable now age.

Difference is they lived near extended family streets away or same street - neighbours were known were often around and would step in. If they worked when DC were very young babies and toddlers either family had them or they found workplaces they could take them to.

Now it's long commutes and longer work hours less extended family/neighbourhood support more family breakdowns and isolation fewer extra adults around.

So I don't think you can point at working mothers increasing as so much else has changed with time.

Yup, my mum lived in London through the war and had houses on her street demolished by doodlebugs. Went to school with a gas mask every day. Coped with rationing. Constant stress for years. Emerged sane, cheerful and capable of enduring difficulties.

Agree with this, although I don't blame boomers, we'd all be the same with those opportunities. It doesn't help though that that generation fails to recognise the luck they had and bash young people. I think the penny is finally dropping with my parents and they aren't particularly well off, but see how hard we have worked as a family and that we have nothing to show for it and no support for our SEN child (although that's nothing new!). Just working hard to tread water isn't inspiring and yes, it's pretty anxiety inducing, especially when you see support systems getting slowly eradicated at the same time.

Yes, exactly. Mothers have always worked. It certainly isn't a recent innovation. People living as islands is, though.

There's a new study that shows a direct correlation between maternal obesity and ASD, ADHD and mood disorders in children. www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165178124004347?via%3Dihub

Strangely enough this doesn't seem to be reported anywhere in the UK, but has been headline news in many outlets in Europe. It would be interesting to know how many of the problematic young people referred to by the OP have overweight parents or are overweight themselves.

Obviously even daring to raise this topic on MN will be branded fat bashing. But considering the rise of adult obesity over the past 10 years, it makes a lot of sense if resulted in a rise of SEN, ND and children with MH and behavioural issues. It's an objective fact, not bashing or shaming. If obese parents are having children with significant MH and SEN issues, then they are increasingly less able to cope as problems get compounded over the years. Poor diet leads to poor physical & mental health. A sedentary lifestyle leads to far more time spent online and all the negatives of social media etc.