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Original poster

To cancel our first holiday together 6 days beforehand

482 replies

Chickenrun12 · 26/09/2024 03:55

Hi all, I'm trying to understand why my boyfriend would ask me this before I cancel our holiday. We have been together about a year and we are going to Thailand on Wednesday, he has never left Europe so we are both looking forward to it. Early today I mentioned I had read there are ALOT of massage places offering happy endings where we are staying thinking we would both have a have a bit of a laugh about it so I was shocked when he said 'I could get a hand job and you could watch' I laughed and said yeah right thinking he was joking but he carried on by saying 'it wouldn't be cheating if you were in the room would it'. I asked if he was joking and he said no. I couldn't believe he'd even suggest it. I said OK maybe I can get a happy ending from a man whilst you're in the room (I would never) and he got very annoyed saying it's totally different and why would I even say that. This is our first holiday together. I have planned and paid for this holiday as a gift and I just cannot believe he would even suggest it. He did apologise after I told him how upset I was.

For context he slept around alot whilst we were seeing each other but not officially together whilst saying if I ever slept with someone else he would never see me again. He swears blind he has been loyal since we have been official and I believe him (maybe stupidly). Any thoughts? I feel like not going at this point but maybe that's an overreaction

OP posts:
MoleAndBadger · 26/09/2024 11:24

Cancel him. Don't cancel the trip. Ice travelled a lot in Thailand on my own. It's fine.

There are so many things wrong with your relationship that I don't know where to begin. You need to find your worth.

Have a great trip.

Gogogo12345 · 26/09/2024 11:26

MrsPatrickDempsey · 26/09/2024 04:01

I think I would go on my own.

I definitely would. Thailand probably the best place in the world for solo travel

theemmadilemma · 26/09/2024 11:27

Cancel the cheque.

You know what to do.

Topjoe19 · 26/09/2024 11:37

Please tell us you're not going with him? He is disgusting. Although the red flags were waving before you even made things official with him.

Hollietree · 26/09/2024 12:12

I’m not sure how old you are, I’m guessing young. I too let men treat me like shit when I was younger, I had very low self worth and no-one had ever taught me how to have boundaries in relationships. I wish I could go back in time and explain things to younger me in black and white.

So here is the truth. Going forwards your future can look like two different options. In ten years time which option do you want:

  1. You stayed with this guy and he realised that you have very few boundaries, which he still trampled all over. You ended up with a kid or two but you have to do all the caring for them, all the housework, because that’s “women’s work”. He probably refused to marry you, the house/mortgage will be in his name only, you will be made to be grateful for the breadcrumbs he throws you……. Whilst secretly sneaking off to a massage parlour every time your back is turned.
  2. You dumped the guy, either now or in a few months time, after he’s done even more shitty things to you. You will look back in ten years time and won’t be able to believe how badly you allowed him to treat you. You will be able to laugh about it and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light, stood up for yourself, asserted boundaries on how you allowed people to treat you moving forwards….. and went on to find a happy and mutually loving relationship with someone 100 times better than this maggot.

Ps. In case it’s not clear. There is no 3rd option where you stay with him and he suddenly turns into a decent and respectful partner.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/09/2024 12:47

Sounds like he has good boundaries. He knows that he doesn't want to be with someone who sleeps with someone else.

It sounds like you also have those same boundaries, so why are you even contemplating still going on holiday with a man who wants to break them?

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2024 12:57

Why have you chosen such a low value, lacking of character man?
What exactly has he done for you to treat him to a holiday to Thailand?

Dump him, enjoy your holiday and think about putting yourself in some therapy to build up your self esteem and self worth.

Women need to stop settling for complete arseholes like this.

grumpygrape · 26/09/2024 13:55

Hollietree · 26/09/2024 12:12

I’m not sure how old you are, I’m guessing young. I too let men treat me like shit when I was younger, I had very low self worth and no-one had ever taught me how to have boundaries in relationships. I wish I could go back in time and explain things to younger me in black and white.

So here is the truth. Going forwards your future can look like two different options. In ten years time which option do you want:

  1. You stayed with this guy and he realised that you have very few boundaries, which he still trampled all over. You ended up with a kid or two but you have to do all the caring for them, all the housework, because that’s “women’s work”. He probably refused to marry you, the house/mortgage will be in his name only, you will be made to be grateful for the breadcrumbs he throws you……. Whilst secretly sneaking off to a massage parlour every time your back is turned.
  2. You dumped the guy, either now or in a few months time, after he’s done even more shitty things to you. You will look back in ten years time and won’t be able to believe how badly you allowed him to treat you. You will be able to laugh about it and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light, stood up for yourself, asserted boundaries on how you allowed people to treat you moving forwards….. and went on to find a happy and mutually loving relationship with someone 100 times better than this maggot.

Ps. In case it’s not clear. There is no 3rd option where you stay with him and he suddenly turns into a decent and respectful partner.

This gets my vote.

halava · 26/09/2024 14:18

Is there a reason you paid for his holiday as a gift? Did he give you any similar gift already?

This screams out at me that you are trying to buy his affection and attention.

Ohnobackagain · 26/09/2024 14:29

@Chickenrun12 can you get a friend (will need to have had their travel jabs) to go with you, or go alone? Dump the boyfriend, he’s awful.

MakingPlans2025 · 26/09/2024 14:57

Break up with him
Get an STi test
Go on holiday on your own

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 26/09/2024 16:28

Considering the OP hasn't retuned, it's probably rather pointless keeping posting the same thing over & over.

Original poster
Chickenrun12 · 26/09/2024 16:47

Sorry everyone, I'm here and have read all the comments. I don't know why I've put up with it all tbh, there's so much that screams inequality and I stupidly try to teach him about equality (like maybe its just ignorance rather than him being a 'bad' person?'. He grew up with an abusive father, surrounded by men who have the same thought processes as him - women shouldn't wear revealing clothes, but men can walk topless in summer. Women shouldn't be alone in the house with other men - workmen, delivery drivers etc (e.g. those who delivered my sofa a few weeks ago - it had to be left outside until he came to bring it in), but he can work in women's houses. Women shouldn't attend certain bars/clubs, but fine for him. Women shouldn't go swimming because of 'revealing' clothes around men, but he swims daily. I could go on and on.

Yes, I know this is all ridiculously unequal and I'm not going to be able to talk these beliefs out of him. Tbh he doesn't even want to discuss different perspectives on things and learn about equality, he has a 'I am who I am' mentality and no desire for introspection or growth.

I've been stupid. I know this. I am going to Thailand alone and will reflect on my own insanity whilst in my favourite place on earth.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 26/09/2024 16:48

Jeez, I'm tempted to send you the money to offset the holiday so you CAN bin him without feeling bad about it...

Motnight · 26/09/2024 16:53

Brilliant update Op. Enjoy your time away!

Whammyammy · 26/09/2024 16:55

Jeez. What a creep.

MonsteraMama · 26/09/2024 17:29

Jesus Christ. What did you see in him in the first place???

Can we all collectively as women agree to stop dating awful men with hopes of fixing, changing or training them? Then hopefully these awful specimens will die out!

Have a lovely time in Thailand OP, I'm glad you've seen the light!

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2024 17:46

Good for you op, enjoy your holiday in peace.

Randomlygeneratedname · 26/09/2024 17:51

How on earth did you put up with that for a whole year? The sofa thing alone is horrific!

HateMyselfToo · 26/09/2024 17:53

Great you're not taking him. Are you going to try to take a friend?
Have you dumped him yet?

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 26/09/2024 17:55

I am SO pleased to hear that you've come to your senses and are going without him OP. As a matter of interest, is he from a country where men share his beliefs, or is he actually from the UK?

Have a WONDERFUL time, and in future, value yourself more, you don't need a man like this one!

Hyperbowl · 26/09/2024 18:08

He is a fickle, disgusting low-life in all respects. I would get yourself checked for STI’s. Sorry OP but if someone has this little respect for you and women in general and is this much of a low life he has definitely cheated on you 100%. He was shagging about whilst seeing you and dictating you can’t do the same!? So it’s not cheating if he does it, only if you do it? Yep, got it. 😳 What a repugnant creature he really is. Absolutely vile. You deserve so much better.

Acornsoup · 26/09/2024 18:22

Take a friend instead Flowers

Original poster
Chickenrun12 · 26/09/2024 18:28

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 26/09/2024 17:55

I am SO pleased to hear that you've come to your senses and are going without him OP. As a matter of interest, is he from a country where men share his beliefs, or is he actually from the UK?

Have a WONDERFUL time, and in future, value yourself more, you don't need a man like this one!

Him, his family and everyone I know him to associate with are from the UK. Its very strange.

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 26/09/2024 19:24

Wow! That really IS weird OP! I thought at the very least he was from a country where Sharia law is practiced, possibly Afghanistan or somewhere like that. I think you've had a lucky and timely escape from this one.