Birthday disappointment AIBU?

[Heartbones]

I think I'm maybe being unreasonable but hoping for a different perspective so I can stop feeling unappreciated. My boyfriend makes little effort at birthdays imo, I have broached the subject in previous years but it's difficult as I don't want to seem selfish.

It was my birthday at the weekend. We usually agree a £100 budget for birthdays unless it's a big one. We were on holiday but we split everything including birthday meal and was more just the timing of holiday than for my birthday - incase this makes a difference. Anyway he bought me a pair of earrings and a make up bag I'd sent him as he didn't know what to buy, they came to around £50 total. He gave them to me in the delivery packaging and no card (this is normal, never had a card in 9 years) and didn't actually say happy birthday just "here's your present". I feel a bit disappointed this year as we usually agree a spending limit and he'd basically spent half of it. He's not struggling financially and spends a lot of his hobbies etc. He doesn't really ever treat me otherwise so perhaps that's getting to me aswell as I do try to do nice things for him (example I bought him new sturdy slippers as his had holes) but it's not reciprocated.

AIBU to be disappointed? I think I place more importance on birthdays than him but I'd just love a bit more effort or thought to make me feel appreciated sometimes?

Don't get him a thing, even for birthdays, and don't wish him a happy birthday. But yeah if you've brought it up with him and he knows it's important to you then he's a cock.

There is not being a big birthday person and there is a complete lack of care. I'm not sure how you have managed to spend 9 years with someone who won't even buy you a birthday card.

You’ll have people on here who’ll tell you to put on your big girl pants, they haven’t had a birthday acknowledgement in years, you’re childish etc etc.

But I don’t know one person who wouldn’t be disappointed by this. This would hurt my feelings and make me feel small and unimportant. Actions speak louder than words, and this would be a very loud action for me. It’s one day of the year and it’s not that difficult.

Indeed. OP, what is he like otherwise? Are there other aspects of his personality and behaviour you're not happy with? Or is he a great boyfriend apart from the birthday stuff?

If it's the latter, I don't think it's worth upsetting yourself over. If, however, it's just the tip of the iceberg, I think you're wasting your time expecting him to change

I don’t bother with my own birthday, but I do love making a big deal out of other peoples birthdays. You’ve already spoken to him about it so it’s understandable you’re hurt and disappointed.

I wouldn’t be putting as much effort into showing your appreciation to him anymore.

Thank you - that is how I feel, almost that he doesn't want to make me special. I do appreciate the fact he got me a present but there just was no thought involved and I'm usually overspending for him as I want to treat him. The not wishing me happy birthday and the card would have also made a big difference so it's not all about money.

Tell him how you felt recieving a gift that hadn't been wrapped. Tell him that recieving a card with some nice sentiments in it means a lot to you.
Generally men are socially and emotionally inferior to women just as generally women are physically weaker than men.

Spell out what your needs an expectations are. I know some people will say well if I have to tell him, it won't mean as much but to me that's not the point because you are not telling him which card to buy and you are not telling him what words to right. And he's the one going to the effort of actually buying it and picking it.

You need to tell him what you need and expect.

I think I have a general feeling of unappreciation in the relationship. Not just about gifts as I know that's not how everyone feels appreciated. But I could give an example that when we came home that I'd spent the day cleaning the house top to bottom while he played computer games and then asked him to empty his suitcase then I'd do the washing for us both. He huffed about me nagging and the suitcase is still unpacked 2 days later. So there's a lot of minor imbalances and things like he wouldn't pick me up a something I liked from the shops just because for example without being asked.

Spell it out to him. It's not ok that he doesn't get you a card and doesn't say happy birthday. More importantly, why does he think that would be an ok thing to do?

Happy birthday for last week OP.

I think the thing that would upset me the most, is having made no effort with the presents once he got them. I may be sensitive to this having been there myself. I don't think I ever got a wrapped gift from my ex, they were handed over in a kind of oh here you are move, whilst still is the plastic bag from the shop.

It takes 2 minutes to wrap a present, or put in into a gift bag.

So I am with you on this one. The value of the present wouldn't really be a factor for me, I don't think it is easy for find something for a set price iyswim, but he could have at least made you feel somewhat special.

If you give him a present in a bag next year, he will act as if he doesn't care I will bet. But just maybe the next time around, you get yours given with a little more thought put in.

I'm struggling to see why you are with this man? He doesn't sound much of a catch.

He says he doesn't care about birthdays and he is similar with his family so I end up buying them presents and cards etc as he just wouldn't make an effort

Could this maybe be just the peak of realization that things could be better all round OP?

You sound generally undervalued from what you say.

You have one life.
And it sounds miserable with this man.
Go and find someone who makes you happy and does not treat you like a skivvy.

Perhaps yeah, I have just been feeling a bit deflated after it even though I do think it sounds a bit silly. Probably a symptom of a bigger problem for me

Any particular reason he’s a boyfriend and not husband after 9 years?
Sounds like he’s not that bothered to me

Well yes that's another issue that probably needs it's own post. We have discussed it several times over the years but he's still not proposed.

This wouldn't be enough effort in a relationship for me tbh. Know your worth girl.

It is not silly at all. Far from it.

There are many posts here where the poster has posted about something "small" and is upset by it. They are just used to how life is and this is a small upsetting thing they may need to offload about.

Meanwhile, underneath it all, the poster is so unhappy generally about so much more. It can just be the cherry on the cake.

Remember the old saying, he is moaning as his wife divorced him for leaving the toothpaste cap off..... It wasn't about the cap at all. It was the final straw.

I am not saying this is the case here, but maybe it has just opened your eyes to other things that could be a deeper issue.

He's not very nice...

The fact that you think your (actually very valid) feelings sound silly says a lot OP. I think you're lucky he hasn't proposed. He sounds incredibly inconsiderate and selfish. Do you have any DC and how old are you?

It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, just a card. My DH has been a bit like this over the years but then he’ll go all out sometimes too. Me and DC are the only ones he ever really makes an effort for but he’s terrible at getting any other family members anything. I think it is often a bloke thing honestly.

I'm not into birthdays at all so this wouldn't bother me personally. But I would look at other behaviour from him, does he ever make you feel special? Does he make you feel loved and appreciated? If not, then it's a broader issue.

Good job!

In that case you’re asking the wrong question entirely. Men know very quickly if they want to marry you. 2-6 months I’d say. 9 years is ridiculous. At this point he’s just point he’s just stopping you meeting someone that does want to marry you.