Birthday disappointment AIBU?

[Heartbones]

I think I'm maybe being unreasonable but hoping for a different perspective so I can stop feeling unappreciated. My boyfriend makes little effort at birthdays imo, I have broached the subject in previous years but it's difficult as I don't want to seem selfish.

It was my birthday at the weekend. We usually agree a £100 budget for birthdays unless it's a big one. We were on holiday but we split everything including birthday meal and was more just the timing of holiday than for my birthday - incase this makes a difference. Anyway he bought me a pair of earrings and a make up bag I'd sent him as he didn't know what to buy, they came to around £50 total. He gave them to me in the delivery packaging and no card (this is normal, never had a card in 9 years) and didn't actually say happy birthday just "here's your present". I feel a bit disappointed this year as we usually agree a spending limit and he'd basically spent half of it. He's not struggling financially and spends a lot of his hobbies etc. He doesn't really ever treat me otherwise so perhaps that's getting to me aswell as I do try to do nice things for him (example I bought him new sturdy slippers as his had holes) but it's not reciprocated.

AIBU to be disappointed? I think I place more importance on birthdays than him but I'd just love a bit more effort or thought to make me feel appreciated sometimes?

Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with ?

Wouldn’t you prefer someone who makes you feel special, or who makes a fuss when it’s important to you (despite what he might think)

@murphys thanks for this as I definitely do think that's how I feel. The more I think about stuff the more I'm feeling underappreciated I'm the relationship and realising other aspects of that.
@Conniebygaslight I'm 29 and no kids.
@Pyjamatimenow I think you are right as it's like the small thing that's starting to shine a light on the other issues. I think for the first few years I never really thought about marriage as I was young and it felt far off but I am now wondering why we aren't at least engaged and probably feeding into that feeling of not valuing me.

Tell him he owes you £50 and don’t do nice things for him again.

YANBU, you deserve better than his desultory effort.

If he's The One you could propose.

If you don't want to maybe he's not the one and time to move on.

I'd be fine with the birthday stuff, I'm not into birthdays. I wouldn't be cleaning the house from top to bottom of we both lived today and I certainly wouldn't be doing his unpacking or washing.

Time to look at what you want and whether he provides you this.

He should be making you feel cared for and his priority as you don't have DC
He's making no effort in any area of you're relationship
The lack of thought on your birthday is just a symbol of his attitude
You deserve much more.
I think you should end the relationship and find someone who reciprocates your kindness, love and care.

You’re young and seem like a nice person.
He doesn’t appreciate you.
Dont marry him now even if he asks.
I’ve been married over 40 years.
My dh has never forgotten my birthday or not bought a card.

You need someone who cherishes you and wants to make you happy just because he loves you.
Your bf either doesn’t care if you’re happy or doesn’t know you after 9 years.
That’s not good is it?

Oh.
Screw 🪛 such "boyfriend".
😖

You are so young, please don't accept this half hearted relationship for the rest of your life. It will only get worse.

Set yourself free!

You're 29, time to find someone who does appreciate you and make you feel that you're in an equal and respectful relationship where you both make an effort.

The spend is not and never should be the issue. Not saying happy birthday is. If someone who is not even a casual acquaintance you met and found out it was their birthday, I think most people would say happy birthday to them. Never mind someone who you are in a relationship with.

I really don't care for my birthday but Mil and Dh make a fuss every time because to them birthdays are important. Knowing that, and loving them I make sure to find gifts they will love. So your DH is not a very nice man not making an effort for your birthday.

How he treats you on your birthday, is how he sees you. He doesn’t value you. That doesn’t mean you’re not valuable though.

I think he is obviously unreasonable but I almost want to shake you and get you to wake up and smell the coffee… he is wasting your time and you are letting him. 9 years later he doesn’t seem bothered to care about you or make you happy, you said it’s the norm so what do you think will change after 9 years. I promise once you hit the 10 year mark he won’t start being what you want him to be.

Better to leave now whilst you’re young rather than waste more time with him.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

imo there’s no excuse for not making an effort on birthdays- cards, flowers, favourite chocolates etc are cheaply available in every single shop.

The fact you’ve said it to him before and he still can’t be bothered to even go to Tesco and buy a £1 card and a gift bag and write happy birthday in it is a big red flag for me.

He’s just not that arsed about you but he gets to play computer games all day while you skivvy around after him so he’s keeping his easy life. He wants a maid not a wife. Get out before you are in your mid 30s and still in this miserable situation and your chance of having A family with someone lovely is slipping through your fingers

I think it all is just him not appreciating what's important to me and making me feel valued. I am now sat wondering on the bigger picture and yes wondering why he hasn't proposed and if he just doesn't value this relationship in general to be honest. Currently feel like he just is happy to have someone to do his washing and clean up

YANBU. I'm single and my birthdays are a washout, essentially. If I were in a relationship and they were still a washout, I'd be extremely pissed off.

Washing and cleaning up?! Acting like a ‘wife’ without the ring is wild! This is ‘pick me’ behaviour and the chances are he’s never going to pick you. Realise you don’t want to be picked by a guy like this that doesn’t worship you. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

The problem often seems to be that people do for other's birthdays what they want for themselves.

Make up bag & earrings sounds fine to me but it seems to have been done reluctantly.

We've been married nearly 30yrs & never know what to get each other so it's often a case of no presents.

That said we always say Happy Birthday, buy a card, organise a cake maybe also have a takeaway or go out for a meal.

With people like this, I always think did they not have birthday presents etc as children/in their families? or go to other people's birthday events? I mean, has he never seen someone give or receive a present, in paper, with a card, and say 'happy birthday'?
It boggles my mind.

Anyway, even without the birthday thing, the sitting about while you do all the work/saying you're 'nagging' when you ask him to just do his bit etc... he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Tbh Op, 29 & no kids-cut your losses & get out.

I see this all the time on here.

We've been together X years, in all this time he's never bought me a birthday card or made an effort on my birthday. I'm really upset as I'd like him to make an effort.

I understand how for the first birthday there can be mismatched expectations and understanding.

But for the second. Surely both partners would have discussed and agreed an approach.

And if not, something so very basic about how you treat each other. How do both parties allow the relationship to drift on?

Honestly I don't know. He almost made a joke out of being so crap at birthdays and he was like it with everyone so I sort of just accepted it but it's been bothering me in recent years as feel he doesn't appreciate me. Didn't seem as big a red flag in the beginning and I think you just put up with things as time goes on?

Well, your birthday is clearly very minor compared to the fact that he's a dreadful boyfriend, and you're not happy in the relationship at all. I think YABU to fixate on this when it's clear the relationship fundamentally isn't working for you. Don't 'put up with things'. Get out, enjoy being single, and then, if you feel like it, find someone who appreciates your presence in his life.

Some people get offended by what I'm about to say but from what I've observed imo it's true: if a man wants to treat you well he will and if he doesn't, he'll keep you as his girlfriend, even going as far to give you a shut up ring if pushed, all until he finds the woman he wants to treat well. There's a reason why divorce statistics show men file when they have another woman lined up and not before.
Obviously not all men but I'd argue it's a large majority of them. Society says they need to have a girlfriend to be a man so they have one, even if it's not someone they truly love.
If your bf loved you the way he should, it wouldn't matter if he didn't celebrate birthdays because you'd feel secure and happy from how he treats you as a whole.