Birthday disappointment AIBU?

[Heartbones]

I think I'm maybe being unreasonable but hoping for a different perspective so I can stop feeling unappreciated. My boyfriend makes little effort at birthdays imo, I have broached the subject in previous years but it's difficult as I don't want to seem selfish.

It was my birthday at the weekend. We usually agree a £100 budget for birthdays unless it's a big one. We were on holiday but we split everything including birthday meal and was more just the timing of holiday than for my birthday - incase this makes a difference. Anyway he bought me a pair of earrings and a make up bag I'd sent him as he didn't know what to buy, they came to around £50 total. He gave them to me in the delivery packaging and no card (this is normal, never had a card in 9 years) and didn't actually say happy birthday just "here's your present". I feel a bit disappointed this year as we usually agree a spending limit and he'd basically spent half of it. He's not struggling financially and spends a lot of his hobbies etc. He doesn't really ever treat me otherwise so perhaps that's getting to me aswell as I do try to do nice things for him (example I bought him new sturdy slippers as his had holes) but it's not reciprocated.

AIBU to be disappointed? I think I place more importance on birthdays than him but I'd just love a bit more effort or thought to make me feel appreciated sometimes?

Chuck this one, OP. Take it from an older woman - he’s a total waste of space. If my DS24 treated his GF like this, I’d be furious with him. He just really can’t be arsed, can he?

Don’t spend your life with someone who can’t be arsed.

If he doesn't bother with birthdays in his family, why do you have to step in?

Indeed.

Would I shite do this! He does fuck all for your birthday so why are you doing the wife work for his family birthdays? Do you have ‘mug’ tattooed on your forehead?!

Tbh, you don’t sound like you particularly like this bloke. He sits playing computer games while you tidy the entire house and do his washing? Why?

Like another poster upthread OP I am an older woman, married now for nearly 40 years. I had a series of useless boyfriends before I met DH, but as soon as I met him I knew he was the right one because of the complete difference in the way he treated, not just me, but everyone. He was (and is) just such an all round lovely person, who treated others with kindness and respect. You are the same age now that I was when I met him, believe me there are good men out there and you deserve better than this. Don't settle for anything less than a truly good man who loves you.

OP you deserve better.

Leaving the gifts in the parcel they arrived in would really bother me. Just couldn’t give a shit.

Him saying he doesn’t make a big deal about birthdays is just an excuse. Sorry but I just don’t think he’s that into you.

I feel your hurt and disappointment OP
I had this with my first dh.
He didn't believe in giving cards or presents..and weirdly didn't think he should provide food at parties either.
The one Christmas I received a gift it was a elephant night dress case.
It was the last thing left on the shelf apparently and he really didn't care if I liked it or not.
This is just one of the many reasons why he is my EX husband

I don't really care about birthdays. BUT. wishing me happy birthday, getting me a cup of tea in the morning, giving the kids the opportunity to participate, these all matter.

Also that he persistently complained about his birthday fare and how little it was (he always got a happy birthday and present).

Honestly, it was a red flag I should have taken notice off sooner, that he was totally self-absorbed, and once he thought he'd caught me (especially once we'd had kids), he didn't see why he had to make any effort towards me (or the kids) yet still expected me to center him (rather than the kids)

He's an ex for a reason, I only kick myself that it had to get insanely far before I realised that (visiting gay saunas for sex, browsing prostutiates, organising hookups on KiK etc.)

He's not going to change OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being disappointed? Does he expect other people to do things for his birthday?

I think general consensus is that he can't be arsed to make an effort with the birthday and also any effort to show a commitment to the relationship after 9 years so I think it is definitely opening my eyes to the reason why this has bothered me so much. It's probably all of the other times I haven't felt appreciated building up too. I am wondering if he doesn't really want to make the effort for me and would for someone else

Ah sorry OP. And Happy Birthday since the weekend.

I really can't get my head round going halves on your own birthday meal out with your partner. He expected you to pay?

Nah, I think that is very cheap and mean.
You deserve to be treated much better.

Thank you and yep. He has only bought me birthday dinner once come to think of it and that was instead of a present. I've never thought too much into it before as I thought I was being greedy or materialistic but it is all really bothering me now

when we came home that I'd spent the day cleaning the house top to bottom while he played computer games and then asked him to empty his suitcase then I'd do the washing for us both. He huffed about me nagging and the suitcase is still unpacked 2 days later.

This stood out to me, op.

He's a lazy entitled loser. He thinks you're there to do the donkey work while he sits on his arse.

Well, fuck that for a game of soldiers!!

Thank goodness you're so young and no kids! You can leave and be happy. You deserve more!

Now the cloud had lifted a bit, it will be a bit clearer to see just how much has been swept under the rug.

💐

I think your main issue is that your relationship seems to have gone nowhere in nine years. Do you want to get married some day and have kids? He seems to be stringing you along.

The card thing I wouldn't care about. I don't do cards for people I live with; they are a "don't forget who I am!" token to be sent to people who live at a distance from me.

I think that the main issue is that you spent a day cleaning whilst he played games. Surely that would tell you all you need to know about this guy and his feelings for you?

If you ever have kids with this man you will be looking after everyone in your household. Leave him. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even sound as if he likes you, and he certainly doesn’t respect you. He sees you as a provider of clean house and laundry, a servant. You are worth so much more.
living alone can be wonderful. That freedom to please no-one but yourself! And then when you have learned to be on your own, you are free to meet someone nice. Good luck x

My DH care about his birthday, on my birthday I specifically tell him what I want (he never wants anything himself and I prefer to make sure I get exactly what I want). But he’ll still make sure it’s wrapped nicely and will be yelling happy birthday at me from the moment I wake up and chivvy DD into making a card etc. It isn’t about the gift it’s the lack of care around it.

He doesn’t care how you feel tbh, you don’t have to stick around y’know.

I'm not sure what else would have to happen to convince you he's just not that bothered to put himself out for you. He has no problem spending money, as long as it's on himself, so he's selfish. Are you really going to wrangle this one for an engagement ring which will sit on your finger on its own for years to come? You are only 29 - unless you want the rest of your life to look like this, run now.

Well, that is on you!
Most men fall under the bell-curve here; the OH starts buying the gifts/cards and other 'celebration' crap because they don't want the OHs family to think that the OH doesn't care, and to keep the peace.
Men love this - another responsibility abdicated.

Ironically, many women, knowing their OH doesn't care about their own family celebrations ((as evidenced by allowing the woman to do all the remembering/gift and card buying), still expects this OH to remember their birthday and act like they love celebrations and all the toil involved in sourcing and appropriate or thoughful gift and card...

Honestly, it's like stamping on your own foot and moaning that your toes are sore

It sounds mad but a similar situation with my Ex H was the straw that broke the camels back.

My 30th. Handed me a top I'd asked for in the shop carrier bag. Can't even remember if there was a card. Thoughtless and uncaring, surely you deserve more from one of the most important people in your life ?

Jesus. Press the ‘see all’ button, OP, and read your posts back to back.

As is usually the case with partners who can’t be arsed on birthdays, turns out he can’t be arsed with most other things either. Like stepping up to be a decent life partner in the most basic ways. Like taking equal adult responsibility for the home that you live in. Like appreciating everything you do for him. Like giving even the tiniest shit about your happiness and wellbeing.

He sounds like an overgrown teenager, slumped there gaming, dodging chores and moaning about anything he’s asked to do, joking he’s ‘crap at birthdays’ (thereby letting himself off the hook for any and all future effort), keeping all his money for his ‘hobbies’.

So in terms of this relationship, such as it is, he gets 100% of the benefit - someone who cares about him, runs around after him, cleans up for him, subs his income, does all of the grunt work and life admin, and presumably shags him - whilst contributing almost nothing in terms of effort or engagement. And even on 100% benefit for zero outlay he won’t make any kind of commitment to you because he’s too lazy and stupid to understand how good he’s got it. Or else he’s totally complacent because he believes you have no other options (which you really, really do, OP).

He’s showing you exactly how he feels about you. Why in gods name would you want to marry this person and know without doubt that the rest of your life holds nothing but frustration, wife work and disappointment?

After reading your valid concerns, I'm not sure I'd want a proposal. It's not so much even the lack of effort on your birthday (although how much effort does it take to buy a card and write something nice in it??), it's the general lack of effort. It won't get better if you get married.

Superb post! Totally agree.