Birthday disappointment AIBU?

[Heartbones]

I think I'm maybe being unreasonable but hoping for a different perspective so I can stop feeling unappreciated. My boyfriend makes little effort at birthdays imo, I have broached the subject in previous years but it's difficult as I don't want to seem selfish.

It was my birthday at the weekend. We usually agree a £100 budget for birthdays unless it's a big one. We were on holiday but we split everything including birthday meal and was more just the timing of holiday than for my birthday - incase this makes a difference. Anyway he bought me a pair of earrings and a make up bag I'd sent him as he didn't know what to buy, they came to around £50 total. He gave them to me in the delivery packaging and no card (this is normal, never had a card in 9 years) and didn't actually say happy birthday just "here's your present". I feel a bit disappointed this year as we usually agree a spending limit and he'd basically spent half of it. He's not struggling financially and spends a lot of his hobbies etc. He doesn't really ever treat me otherwise so perhaps that's getting to me aswell as I do try to do nice things for him (example I bought him new sturdy slippers as his had holes) but it's not reciprocated.

AIBU to be disappointed? I think I place more importance on birthdays than him but I'd just love a bit more effort or thought to make me feel appreciated sometimes?

Gosh this is all so sad.

I can see what's in it for him Op.

What's in it for you?

I have the same problem, no advice really but I know how you feel. For me, it’s not about money spent but the way something is presented to me. I often feel my DH puts little effort in and gift buying is just a tick box activity.

I am wondering and feeling like a bit of a fool.
I have just read all my posts back and can see how sad it is and not sure why I haven't made a fuss about the bigger issues really and a good question as to why I'd want to marry him

Doesn't care does he? You send him a list, he orders it and gives it to you, you may as well have cut out the middle man and ordered it yourself.

I can never understand these threads. He treats you like shit and you just wonder and feel a bit sad and also pick up all the crap he won't do. Why, why do you buy his family cards and presents? If birthdays aren't important to him then I assume he doesn't celebrate his own that much, or expect presents and cards?

Think about it OP - he's like this now - doesn't treat you with respect, is happy to sit around gaming/doing his hobbies while you run around cleaning and washing. Look forward - this is your life for the next 60 years, what the hell will it be like if you have children? He's showing you who he is - typical bloke puts himself first. Just RUN OP, and run fast.

Neither DH nor I are particularly into birthdays so we don’t really bother with cards and hand over gifts in the delivery packaging. So I can understand where he comes from.

Splitting dinner on your birthday is a bit of a piss take though!

He just sounds a bit thoughtless.

It sounds like you are a giver in relationships and he is a taker. I can't imagine playing games all day while my husband cleaned the entire house...but then I can't imagine cleaning the entire house all day while someone gamed. He should have been extremely grateful and jumping at the chance to contribute not huffing. It all seems totally imbalanced and seems to have slipped into the roles of a teenager and parent. Which you'd really resent if you ever had kids

Listen to this poster.
Leave him to his gaming and move on from this selfish man.

Looking to a possible future, what would he be like or doing if you had been up all night with a baby and had a bad cold?
Would he be cooking the dinner while you bathed a toddler or vice versa?
Would he be

Posted too soon but you get the point - is he team playing parent material?
If not, I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship.

It's not the lack of spending that would bother me but no wrapping or card is cheeky af

Because you've been with him since you were 20 and you haven't experienced better. There is so much better out there for you, OP. You're 29, you don't want to marry this waste of space. Imagine another 40 or 50 years of being treated like you don't matter. Get yourself free, and realise that you're worth so much more than this. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved and wants to make you happy - don't let him dull your sparkle!

Also I would add OP that as you get a bit older you are more clued into what you want and can filter out the dross. It won't necessarily take ages to meet someone, it can happen very quickly when you meet a keeper!

Yeah I think when we got together I didn't have any expectations of the relationship and didn't really know what I wanted and to be honest have just started to get unhappy with his acting like a teenager as time has gone on

Saying happy birthday is about the lowest effort a man can make and he can’t do that. I wish for your 30th a fabulous plan and a single life open to finding a man who puts back into the relationship and doesnt just take.

YANBU to feel upset/disappointed. I felt exactly the same as you a few years ago, it was the gradual build up of no effort/feeling undervalued/unloved/taken for granted which made me leave as I ended up feeling like his mum. I was 29 when I left my ex of 6 years.

-He huffed and puffed at chores, I had to 'nag' him all the time to help
-He spent all his time gaming/on reddit
-I had to buy/wrap my own birthday & christmas presents and card (he would transfer some money),
-He left the house in a tip constantly, it felt like I was living with a teenage boy
-Refused to help me decorate or do DIY to the house, I had to ask my grandad to help. Refused to contribute/pay for any of the improvements.
-Refused to help me do garden maintenance, refused to help pay for lawnmower/tools (???)
-Would never want to go out and do interesting things/spend quality time with me
-He went on multiple longhaul holidays without me

-He huffed and puffed when i brought up getting engaged/the future, he relented and 'let me' get a cheap ring
He generally just made me feel really unappreciated but apparently 'loved me' and wanted to spend his life with me. His excuse was he's a high earner (doctor) so he was 'entitled' to down time/gaming, even though I worked just as much as him in my 9-5, and paid 50% of our mortgage.

In the end I left, much to his 'complete shock' and surprise. He tried hard to win me back, but i'd emotionally moved on at that point. I ended up finding the man of my dreams quite quickly, he treats me like gold, cherishes, and supports me in everything I do, we're now married and i'm expecting my first baby at 32. I am still in disbelief at what I put up with, and I'm sure you will be to in the future.

OP, kind and loving men really do exist out there. You are only 29, don't waste your precious time on a man who doesn't treat you how you deserve/want. You don't want to end up leaving him at 35, with little time to have kids (if you want them).

After 9 years he has shown you exactly who he is and what he is about. The resentment will only build up.

Don’t marry this guy. Find someone else who values you. He sounds like an arse. If you stay with him you will go through life feeling under appreciated as he is not going to change.

Stop doing that, they raised him, they should have installed in him how important it was to them if that’s the case. They’re just looking at the consequences of their own parenting.

At an absolute minimum, stop putting any effort into his birthdays, match his style, but honestly, I’d rather encourage you to find someone who shows you they love and appreciate you.

From what you have said, I don’t think you should take it personally. I don’t think he’d make any effort no matter who he was with.
The problem is that a bit of effort is important to you, and you are clearly not going to get that from this bf.
Time to upgrade. Ship him out and wish the next girl he’s with good luck!

I would really wonder about this relationship OP. Ask when you are getting married and when you are having kids. You need a timeline and actions or bin him off.

Personally I would have dumped him after the first crap birthday. He just sounds like he is using you and you are wasting your youth on him.

I love birthday cake. I love thoughtful gifts.
I don't eat cake mostly throughout the year.

I was in relationship for 13 year with a "I don't like birthdays" person and a "I don't see the point of birthday cake, don't really like it" person.

He bought "me" gifts for himself...under the guise/ excuse of my birthday. Never got a cake not once, unless my mum sorted on occasion (even though I had point blank said all I want is a birthday cake). And I'd get abuse for buying myself one as it made him look bad. He just didn't care.

My now BF of almost 2 yrs, just bought me a birthday cake for my 40th and 4 presents that we're thoughtful (one for each decade) and a soppy message in a card. I was so weirded out by how lovely it was.

I don't share to brag, we get so used to neglect, but it doesn't have to be this way!

Soul searching time x

Why are you with this miserable sod? You can do better OP- a lot better - and deserve to.
Please don't marry him or have DC with him. Have a lovely life.

Wow - he sounds pretty shit all round!

Many men ime aren't brilliant with gifts. BUT this sounds like much more about being undervalued and unappreciated all the time, so being a bit crap with presents just stings that bit more and is far more important when seeing the relationship as a whole.

I feel for you. I had years of irritated "oh God, I'll make it up to you" and it upset me at first but eventually I got used to it, made less effort for him, and just bought stuff for myself. That may have been OK if he hadn't been an abusive twat, but it was the tip of the iceberg in my case!

Have a really good think, OP. This guy doesn't sound like he's someone who wants to make an effort for you in any sense.

In this instance is it really the commitment/timeline that's the main issue? OP doesn't sound as though she's happy at all in the relationship and marriage (and esp kids) are far from a cure for lack of consideration. Quite the opposite in my experience.

This man doesn't love you and doesn't value you. He is a narcissist, leave him now while you still can