AIBU to not want to drop work colleague home most days?

[Supermummy88]

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice. I started my new job about a year ago and one of my colleague’s who lives in my area needs a lift back home at least 3/4 times a week. It’s not hassle for me because I have to go past her house to get to mine. However, at the end of the working day I’m in a rush to get home as I’ve got very young children who have activities after school etc. However, she always takes her time getting her stuff ready and talking to everyone before we leave. This ends up delaying me by 15/20 mins every time. I know it doesn’t seem like a long time but I have to rush home, get kids ready for their activities etc so that I can get them there on time, so for me 20 mins late makes a big difference. I do sometimes say that I need to leave bang on at a certain time, but she still delays it and is never ready on time. In a way I miss just being able to go home and not waiting for anyone. AIBU? I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with her!

I think she’s rude. You’re doing a favour and she seems to have forgotten that! When u said you had to leave bang on time, and she wasn’t ready, what did you do?
next time you should say a time, say you have to go at that time and if she’s not ready say sorry and run off. Just say your kids have a prompt appointment or something …

Make it crystal clear that you need to be gone by XY time and if they're not at your car door by that time on the dot, you'll have to go without them.

Give them a 5-minute warning: "Brenda, it's 5 to 5. I do need to leave on the dot of 5; I can't wait for you".

If the colleague isn't there, despite the warning, then tough shit "Brenda". You leave without them.

They'll soon learn not to piss about. They either take the lift and go when you need to go and no later, or they make alternative arrangements.

As for the vaping. Say it's non negotiable. It's either no vaping or no lift. If she vapes despite this, stop the car and say 'Brenda, please, I asked you not to vape. You can either get out and find your own way home and vape all you like, or refrain from vaping for xx minutes. It's my car and I don't want anyone vaping in here'.

Your colleague sounds like a dick.

I'd just say it doesn't work for you any more, that the kids are at the stage when you need to pick them up from various places (white lie) and that you can't manage lifts any more. It's her problem, not yours.

"I can't wait around at the end of the day anymore, it's cutting into my very limited family time and that just isn't fair on them, so if you're at the car when I'm leaving, then you're welcome to a lift, but I'll be leaving at (insert time here) every day from now on.. And the vaping really makes me uncomfortable, so it's a vape free car from now on"

@Supermummy88 she sounds awful. She may be your line manager in a few months but to be honest you need to sort this now so it’s all blown over and then decide if you even want to be in a role where she will manage you. She has no respect or boundaries. Your car, your life, your rules. I would be looking to move teams or jobs. But meanwhile, follow many other posters’ excellent advice ‘Timmy has a club, I’m going at this time’. Go without her if she isn’t there. But to be honest, I’d be saying ‘this doesn’t work for me’.

You must tell her politely but very firmly that you really do need to leave on time, so if she can’t be ready, she’ll have to make her own way home.
There would be nothing remotely unreasonable in saying this.

Dear friend
Due to kid's hobbies, tea etc I will be leaving every night bang on 5.00. Happy to give you a lift but I can't wait.
Then do just that. No blame no guilt.

OP you really REALLY need to stop this before she becomes your LM.

Just tell her that you're fed up with her delaying your journey home and vaping in your car despite asking her not to. You also miss the alone time that you used to decompress.

Consequently the lifts home are no longer happening.

If you can't do it face to face send her a text, email or letter.

If she tries to argue just repeat NO.

Time to stand up for yourself.

Oh dear this is not a good commitment you've gotten yourself into.
You're doing her a massive favour and she's got zero respect for you or your time.
I agree with others, leave without her!! Tell her that you have something you have to be home for, lie about a change in time of your kids activities if you have to, you have to leave at x time on the dot. If she's not walking out the door with you then she can't get a lift because you can't wait for her.
The vaping is outrageous too. I'd be fuming. You have the window controls though so put hers down if she starts vaping, I'd be putting all windows all the way down just to make my point, let her get buffeted by wind and rain. Vape 'steam' is not proven to be 100% harmless but regardless, its your car and if you don't want the smell/steam in your car then she should respect that!
You definitely have a power imbalance that she appears to be taking advantage of.
If possible I would actually construct a lie to get out of committing to giving her lifts entirely. Maybe you now need to meet your kids at an activity away from your home direction so you're not going in that direction to be able to give her a lift any longer. etc etc.
Losing any time in the evenings is a nightmare with young kids, and this is not going to get better at all.

Ye gods! I why on earth would op do that?
Why can't people just be straight with each other?

Op. Tell her today that if she isn't sat in the passenger seat when you are ready to go, you'll be going without her.
She's doing this because you are letting her. She grow a backbone and speak your mind

I would actually cut the whole arrangement off now. I think it would be better to just keep it simple and say something like this:

Hi (name), I won’t be able to give you a lift to and from work after (date). As the children are now (back to school/nursery/older) and we are seeing a new routine for our family, I need to get home for a certain time and this is no longer compatible with giving other people lifts. Thanks for your understanding.”

I would both tell her and send it to her, if she tries to question it or dig into the reasons just keep it simple and repeat that it’s not going to work, you need to focus on your family needs first.

Don’t be tempted into feeling guilty about it, she’s a grown adult who has a managerial role, surely she can sort out herself a means of commuting to work that isn’t relying on ignoring your boundaries that are perfectly reasonable and normal!

We once had a supply teacher who couldn't drive. Our HT would book her and tell that I or another teacher would pick her up in the morning and drop her home again without even consulting us. When we complained we were told we were unhelpful and should be making her feel more welcome.

The annoying thing was that the HT used the same route and could have picked her up but claimed her arrival and leaving times weren't suitable.

@Supermummy88 my new advice is going to slightly change because I feel you've dropped quite a significant drip feed, both in the fact that this woman's going to become your line manager and also how dismissive she's been about you not wanting her to vape in your car. Holding a superior position at work does not trump your rules in your vehicle, however, the fact she's not complied, despite you doing her a big favour, shows the absolute cheek of the woman.

I stand by my advice not to offer a 'sorry' in any sentence. Are you actually sorry? No, so don't say you are. And especially don't come up with any explanations or excuses why you can't drop her off. These type of people keep on finding work around solutions for their problem and you'll be wriggling like a worm on a hook and not getting anywhere with her.

Keep at the forefront of your mind that while it's nice to do someone a favour, particularly if they appreciate it, once the office hours finish, you owe your colleagues nothing of your time. You don't say you can't do this thing because of x, y or z, you simply say you can't do it. That is enough. No one has a right to know why it's not possible.

Keep it very simple and undisputable saying something like Unfortunately the lift arrangement can't continue after X day. My circumstances have changed and I'm not available. Practise what you're going to say and any shut downs if she tries to question you. You need to come across as pleasant, but firm and confident even if you're worrying about the conversation. Otherwise you're stuck with the situation.

Speak to her manager.

Explain you arent a taxi service and that if this woman becomes your manager and decides to treat you differently, regardless of lifts, then that is tantamount to bullying and harassment.

Her boss should deal with it, not you.

As for you, do NOT tell her you are leaving to go home.

When you finish, GO HOME. Tell no one.

Fuck her. You owe her nothing.

Jesus christ

All this involving managers and HR

A tad dramatic? Address the issue head on

No need for a song and dance. Explain politely then follow through with leaving on time

Repeat daily

Honestly in your shoes I'd be looking for a new job. If she thinks it is OK to hold you up every day, and vape in your car when you've said you don't like it, she is going to be a nightmare as a line manager. She is also likely to feel she is entitled to the lifts, and not take it well if you start going without her.

This - exactly this ^ Keep it simple, no lies, just 'sorry, it's no longer working for me due to my children's requirements.' Do it now, well in advance of her becoming your manager, then if she takes it out on you, it's a go to HR situation.

She’s a cheeky vapey stinky claggy betch! F that

Leave without her! Does she give you fuel money?

Spot on.
Saw you coming and enough brass neck not to have a conscience about it.

Trouble ahead.

@Supermummy88 As you are confrontation averse, you could simply say that you are going somewhere else directly after work which takes you on a different route that doesn't take you past her house. Perhaps gym, yoga, pool, etc. Could that work?

When she's your line manager she'll probably get held up even more at work and you'll be home later and later. Stop being a pushover and tell her if she doesn't leave on time with you, no lift, she vapes in your car, no lift. She's going to be a nightmare to work for Op, over and over you've proved that she can treat you how she likes, grow a spine now or you'll be sorry

In the nicest way why haven’t you just said no it’s not working for you anymore?

Thinking about this further, and this manager’s behaviour, I’d suggest an email using work email addresses which says the following.

“Dear X

Due to personal reasons, which are of a confidential nature, I am no longer in a position to drive you home from work.

Best wishes, X”.

If she emails back to ask why, reply with:

“As explained, for personal reasons, of a confidential nature, which I am not in a position to discuss.”

Give no further explanation or information.

If she keeps up the questioning, reply with “I have no wish to cause you offence - and I am of course very conscious that you are in a more senior grade than I am - but I’m afraid that, as explained, it’s for personal reasons, of a confidential nature, which I am not in a position to discuss.”

If she asks you face to face, repeat that same sentence.

If she gets someone else to ask you, say the same thing.

And make sure you join a trade union.

Hi OP, u r not being unreasonable at all! U have every right to go straight home and care for your young children; so much to do! I had a similar experience years ago but it was in the mornings; colleague was always about 10 mins late for car run in the morning. I found myself getting really stressed and resentful.
You need to be assertive and in a very calm way ( tone is the key) ,explain that u need to leave by *. Don't apologise. You need to do this sooner rather than later. Working and caring for children is a massive juggling act and every second counts.
You need to address this NOW