DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

[Cupofteaformeee]

I am extremely phobic of spiders. 🕷️

I’ll try and keep this brief - DH is a STBEXH as I’m making plans to leave due to EA and VA. I’ve started writing everything he’s done or said to me and I’m seeking opinions on his behaviour.

Around a year ago we were both in the living room and a huge spider ran across the floor. I stood on the couch and shouted for DH to please please get rid of the spider. He’s not scared of them. He was gaming at the time and replied saying “Don’t tell me what to do” I begged him, please please get the spider and he shouted that if I scream at him one more time he would pick the spider up and throw it in my face. 😦

Opinions please?? His threat has stayed with me ever since.

That is terrible what a horrible man

You certainly did NOT over react, someone who is supposed to love and care for you and knows you have a phobia with spiders would have stopped what he was doing and removed the spider, what a nasty thing to say to you. Time to get out.

Other faults of your partner aside…. You’re an adult, deal with your own trivial problems.

If I was in the middle of doing something and my husband started screaming at me to do something else immediately, unless it was get out the house is on fire (or similar) I would get annoyed as well.
How are you planning on getting rid of spiders once your leave your husband?

No I don't think so. This is actually a fucking horrible thing to do to someone who is phobic. My DH can be an ahole and sometimes refuses to get them but has never done this.

YABU for the excessive use of ridiculous abbreviations.

How are you going to deal with spiders when he's no longer there, out of interest? I'm terrified of them too, but I suck them up with the hoover, then empty it into the bin outside. I wouldn't scream and shout for someone to help. I'm a big girl.

As for the husband, he's a prick but you're still with him a year later so 🤷

What are you going to do when you are single, and there is a spider in your house?

My advice is to get some therapy regarding the phobia. You shouldn't be screaming and ordering anyone to drop what they're doing for a non issue. You have a phobia, that is YOUR problem, not your STBXH's to deal with for you.

I think you're abusive for screaming at him. That must have been really tiring for him every Autumn.

If your husband was terrified and calling to you for help, you'd interpret that as him shouting at you to do something?

Have you tried getting any help for this?

What’s your plan to deal with spiders once you’ve left him?

OP, his behaviour, as you describe it, was abusive and it's good you got out of that.

It's hard to get a clear head after an abusive relationship and it doesn't always help asking others for validation or clarity, because other people are often confused or abusive themselves.

I'd suggest using therapy if possible to help you process what's happened to you and get it all out.

(And see if you can get cbt for the phobia. And a spider catcher tube thing in the meantime!)

If OP had told us the spider scenario on its own then yes it could seem a bit OTT.

However, OP has clearly stated this bloke is an abusive fuck stick, so the spider situation takes a completely different stance.
It's not necessarily about the spider, it's about him knowing she has a phobia & refusing to help when she is clearly panicking & scared.

I remember when me and my ex had a puppy & we used to take it everywhere, we also had a toddler at the time. We were in a shop and I asked him to hold the puppy while I helped DD with something (can't remember what) & he said 'no, you chose to bring the dog so you can fucking hold it'

Another time I came out of Tescos with my pram fully loaded with shopping. He was with a friend outside (not waiting for me, hanging round there at random) & I was walking back to my flat (that he regularly stayed at) he didn't help, he just watched me struggle home with our child and the mountain of shopping. It was a pretty horrible moment.

It also clear that 90% of people that have commented clearly haven't ever experienced emotional abuse,

You need to keep a transparent plastic pot handy so you can just pop it over the spider and slide cardboard underneath to dispose of it.

People always say this as if it's some sort of revelation we're just too dumb to have thought of. Many are too phobic to be able to do this. I'm not as bad, although I hate them and I do shake and sometimes cry, I DO do this IF it's sitting obligingly still on a flat surface. But you can't do this if it's on an angle or a corner or pelting along or on an awkward object. I remember a huge one that was scuttling around on ourCD rack (back when CD racks were still a thing). It was in and out of all those crevices and I couldn't see any way to get it. Also couldn't take my eyes off it in case it disappeared (as someone has said, that's worse). Just had to stand there frozen and yell for DH to come and "get it, get it, PLEASE, quickly!"

Some of these responses are staggeringly cold hearted and plain disgusting tbh. The levels of utter nastiness. Some people should be ashamed of what they've posted on this thread.

I have a severe phobia of snails, to the point I've had a panic attack being around one. I'd genuinely be more scared of someone putting a snail near me than someone physically attacking me. My ex who was an abuser all round threatened to go and get a snail from the bin shed (block of flats) and while he left I was so frightened I snuck out and left for the night with no where to go. Same guy I let beat me regular. Some people are so cold and don't understand how bad phobias can be.

That in itself isn’t abusive. How phobic can you be? I’m phobic about grid floors but I don’t ask people to piggy back me over them.

Then your not actually phobic then are you ffs.

Wtf?

Yes I am. I am literally scared stiff and can’t move when I first see one ahead of me. But I’m not a baby so I pull myself together and carry on with my day.

Well don't you deserve an award for your bravery. I guess your one of those people that think people with depression should just get over it and be happy, or people with anxiety should just ignore it. I knew someone who died because of a pill phobia, because they couldn't take their pills after a transplant they had, they had to have full mental health support to help them through it and it was too late the damage was done. You can't compare how YOU feel to everybody else.

Having a daughter who is so afraid of slugs that she screamed and almost opened the car door in preparation to exit the vehicle that was traveling at speed, because her older brother joked about there being a slug in the back of the car, I can understand why you wouldn't like that response from him.

It's very unkind and I would feel that he's using your phobia against you to cause distress. However if he didn't actually go get the spider and have it in his hand, I'm not sure it would meet the legal definition for "a threat" but with other examples might be indicative for ongoing emotional abuse. Otherwise he'd probably claim it was a joke.

I can't tell if your working or not.

How did she demand, she's scared of spiders which her husband knows and she said please.

Seriously wtf????

His response was unnecessarily mean, if you know your husband or wife is scared of something and they are asking for your help and your response to is to threaten and you are trying to justify it? Her shouting was out of fear and asking him to help not commanding or demanding.

That's what you got out of her posts? What a strange person you are.

I disagree, it was a mean thing to do and based on her update about his time it was threatening. If I know my spouse has a phobia about something I would be compassionate and supportive not get angry and threaten to throw it on her face when I know she is scared of whatever it is.

His game was obviously more important to him.