DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

[Cupofteaformeee]

I am extremely phobic of spiders. 🕷️

I’ll try and keep this brief - DH is a STBEXH as I’m making plans to leave due to EA and VA. I’ve started writing everything he’s done or said to me and I’m seeking opinions on his behaviour.

Around a year ago we were both in the living room and a huge spider ran across the floor. I stood on the couch and shouted for DH to please please get rid of the spider. He’s not scared of them. He was gaming at the time and replied saying “Don’t tell me what to do” I begged him, please please get the spider and he shouted that if I scream at him one more time he would pick the spider up and throw it in my face. 😦

Opinions please?? His threat has stayed with me ever since.

I'm terrified of spiders. My heart races, I feel dizzy, can't think straight. It's a genuine phobia and I think it's really mean when people try to make out like it's some silly thing. I literally scan every room I walk into before I sit down. The worst is that we're rural and they're fucking everywhere!

DH would never wave one at me. He knows how scared and upset I get by them. We both know it's irrational, too, but that I can't help it.

If he threatened to throw one in my face, he'd be sleeping in his fucking car. Once he caught the bastard spider!

He has gotten rid of many spiders over the years but it is this one incident where he snapped and threatened to throw it in my face felt cruel. I could have coped if he had just point blank refused to get it etc but the act of picking up and throwing it in my face made me go cold.

Have you done anything to address your phobia? I used to be terribly phobic, but did the friendly spider course at a zoo and am now fine with them.

If someone was shouting and screaming for me to immediately catch one i wouldnt be very impressed tbh although i wouldnt threaten to throw it (i wouldn't want to harm it!) And definitely not in an agressive tone. Although tbh i might just shoo it into a crack as i want spiders around - they eat the flies!

Sorry to hear he is abusive in other ways though.

For those asking why I’m focusing on this one incident - as I’m leaving the relationship I’m analysing everything he’s said to me over the years including-

Threats to pick up our sons pram and “smash me across the face” if I didn’t shut up.

Threats to pick me up anc throw me against a wall. Threats of suicide and in a fight telling me to “go and kill myself”

Name calling (retard, imbecile, c!?t, bunny boiler, psycho, useless) among other delightful names.

The spider incident is one of many incidents that I believe to be inappropriate etc however it is so easy to doubt myself and believe that I was the one in the wrong.

I hope this makes sense.

GHS can live outside. Ofcourse they can. I even have one living in my garden wall. But that's not what OP is asking.

It's sick and tormenting to threaten someone with something they're phobic of. I don't have a phobia of daddy long legs but as teens, a friend threw one in my face and I remember the sensation of feeling like I was inhaling it, every time I see one. He was a daft teenage lad though. A man should know better. There's clearly no bond left between yous or he'd have been understanding of your panic.

You do need to be more responsible of your fears though. Highly recommend the spider group on Facebook, can't remember it's name right now but something like 'British Spider ID...'

The more you learn about them, the less you'll fear them and dare I say it, even begin to find some cute (looking at you zebra jumping spider and cucumber spider!)

But moving on, he didn't actually do it. He maybe would have, it was maybe an empty threat. It was definitely shitty of him. But he didn't owe you to save you, sounds like yous have been rocky for a while. You need to learn to relax and be in control of a situation, even if not entirely comfortable with it. Would you have reacted like that if you saw one in a restaurant? Let this go. Even seek CBT if the phobia is affecting your life.
I think reading between the lines, you wanted to rely on him to help you, he didn't, he made it even worse. He's not the guy you want him to be anymore. I think that's the main thing more than the spider fear here.

Edited as just seen your post above mine, definitely get CBT. Get your confidence and resilience back up. Make him a distant memory this time next year or in two years but do not allow him to mentally keep you in the gutter.

Sorry to hear this OP. The above is definitely abuse and i hope you are able to leave asap.

yes he did come from a place of cruelty, but why are you fixating on this single event.

Are you getting any help to move on?

Same one you are.

My teen DD is phobic of spiders. Whilst I find it a little irritating at times, I know it’s real and that she is genuinely terrified. Therefore I deal with them whenever I need to and don’t tease her or worse, as I love her and feel bad for her.

Your STBXH is a prick.

All seems dramatic and happened a year ago.

Why did I think the exact same thing😂

I’m arachnophobic and I don’t even know why I clicked on this thread tbh. I usually can’t even read much about the bastard things let alone use a s p i d e r emoji (I didn’t type the full word because I don’t want to see the emoji come up on my keyboard🤣)

There isn't enough info to judge the wider state of your relationship or any abuse. Taking this incident in isolation, his comment was a shitty thing to say, but not indulging into your screaming demands was entirely reasonable. And being brutal honest if I was dealing with an adult throwing a fit and expecting me to run around after them over a house spider I can't say I wouldn't be tempted to say something rude.

It’s very dangerous territory for you to essentially say that shouting and screaming making demands of “the person you are supposed to care about” is okay as long as it’s because you’re scared. It’s not okay to shout, scream and repeatedly demand your partner to do something, don’t try to justify it.

All of this is abuse and in the context of this I can see why the spider incident is abusive too. By itself I would say it was lashing out in frustration at being shrieked at irrationally but given the rest of his behaviour it pains a different picture.

leave the relationship OP it’s the best thing you will ever do.

Yes because she has a phobia

but the act of picking up and throwing it in my face made me go cold.

Did he throw it in your face?

I'm with you OP. It sounds nasty to me. When I was a child I was playing with my friend in her garden. She was absolutely terrified of moths. Her step-father thought it would be funny to catch a moth in his hands that she had asked him to save her from. He then grabbed hold of her so she couldn't escape and put in right into her face. I was only about eight at the time but I remember thinking what a nasty thing to do is was. My poor friend was beside herself with fear. Glad you're getting away from this man, OP.

As you can see by my username (Sorry OP) I adore spiders. I pick them up and coo at them. However phobias are not a joking matter and I don’t think OP was laughing at the time.

I think that was a nasty and unpleasant thing to do. I can’t believe people are excusing it as a joke. It was obviously not done in affectionate jest but it was a cruel and spiteful comment.

If you dived on furniture and screamed at me like a fucking banshee I would likely snap too as it would send my anxiety through the roof.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions and life, even small children don't get away with acting like that... time to grow up.

Whose going to answer your wails and rescue you from the sofa when you no longer have a husband to wrestle the terrifying inch long insect.

This 100%!! Some people really do not understand.

I was married to someone who was abusive and physically attacked me. However one of the things that stuck with me was him once throwing A TISSUE in my face in an argument. I will never forget how that made me feel in that moment. Obviously a tissue can’t hurt you but it’s not about the object it’s about the power the abusive person has over you and how it makes you feel.

OP - sounds like you are doing the right thing if he is soon to be an ex. Maybe look into the Freedom Program.

He sounds like a complete cunt. It’s good you have found the strength to leave the relationship. It’s normal to try to process everything after you have been the victim of abuse. I would maybe see if you can access some counselling to make sense of it all and support you going forwards.

He's a wanker. That's why you're divorcing him.

I hate spiders. But if someone repeatedly screamed at me to do something, I'd be pissed off.

You hit the nail on the head.
Iam like you