DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

[Cupofteaformeee]

I am extremely phobic of spiders. 🕷️

I’ll try and keep this brief - DH is a STBEXH as I’m making plans to leave due to EA and VA. I’ve started writing everything he’s done or said to me and I’m seeking opinions on his behaviour.

Around a year ago we were both in the living room and a huge spider ran across the floor. I stood on the couch and shouted for DH to please please get rid of the spider. He’s not scared of them. He was gaming at the time and replied saying “Don’t tell me what to do” I begged him, please please get the spider and he shouted that if I scream at him one more time he would pick the spider up and throw it in my face. 😦

Opinions please?? His threat has stayed with me ever since.

My DC at 10 would know this is unacceptable behaviour. What an arsehole.

Yanbu. Ignore the arseholes on here.
They're not worth wasting any of your time on energy on.
Hope you manage to get away soon.
If you want support try relationships. There's lots of people on there who can talk you through what to do.

When ever I read comments like this I'm really glad I'm nothing like this person.
I just think how sad and pathetic their life must be to spend their lives on AIBU having a pop at a woman who is trying to leave an abusive relationship.

So, to sum up, you've prioritised your preference for no screaming and a 'polite' phobia response over your DD's terror of spiders. (And it's also fine to kill a spider, apparently.)

And a threat of abuse from the partner of someone phobic, for behaving in a way triggered by said phobia, is trivialised as 'laying out a consequence'.

And you think a natural phobic response is on a par with actual abuse.

Just wow.

.

No it's not common and it's not a joke from an abusive man. Watch your toes. Your bar is low!

I can honestly say that in over 40 years of marriage, my husband has never threatened to throw anything at my face, phobia or not.

And I don't live on a planet where its okay to be rude, point out where people are wrong just because you don't agree with what they have said and have made personal comments toward a poster. I didn't invalidate or trivialise her fear - I talked about her response and the reaction to it. And just for the record whether you like it or not, we do live on the same planet. So maybe your passive aggressive rhetorical question should be considered next time.

I am arachnophobic. The idea of someone threatening me like this makes me feel nauseous. I recoiled from the idea. And that is without the context of an abusive relationship where the threat could easily be so much more than a threat.
If I try to put my own horror aside, I think threatening to throw ANYTHING in someone's face is cruel and abusive. This man just didn't want his gaming interrupted.

This post is on here every week under a different username. 🙄

When I was a teenager I had a phobia of woodlice. Every.single.one of my so called friends found it hilarious to throw a woodlouse at me at some point in my life. Probably karma for me throwing a spider at my friend who was scared of them. It's really cuntish behaviour and bo excuse really

He was willing to be cruel to the spider in order to be cruel to you, because your phobia kicked in and interrupted him from gaming.

How old is he to prioritise gaming above your feelings?

I stand by my responses.

Which planets are we talking about then? Mars and Venus? Saturn and Jupiter?

Maybe one where people aren't massive arseholes ?
I mean technically we all know don't we that are on the same physical planet don't we. Its not breaking news.

Well, ideally we'd all be living on one where phobias were treated sympathetically and abusive behaviour not minimised, but that's clearly not the case according to this thread.

Which planet has the massive arseholes? Yours?

is that really the best you can do ?

He sounds like a dick, but don't focus on it or pick at it or try and analyse it. In some relationships, where all is well and no one is abusing anyone and no one is an arachnophobe, threatening to chuck a spider at someone might be seen as light hearted ribbing. It's obviously not the case in your relationship, it's one of many instances of him being mean to you in varying degrees, presumably over a long period of time if you've now reached your limit and are escaping (well done!)

A single behaviour or action on its own doesn't have to be abusive for it to form part of a pattern of abuse. In a vacuum a lot of things are harmless that when strung together with other behaviours, cruelty and nastiness can become harmful. You know what you've experienced. Don't doubt yourself, have courage, and focus on getting away from him.

Fuck, yeah.

If you are deathly afraid of something, and begging for help, and someone threatens you with that very thing, that is abusive. And cruel. And evil.

It doesn’t matter a jot whether you raise your voice, repeat yourself, scream or whatever. Extreme fear reactions are what they are.

it doesn't matter a jot whether people think your fear is unreasonable.
Lucky old them, if they don't experience that unreasoning blind terror.
Shitty old them, if they can't try to empathise with those that do and get all lofty about it.

Yes, I would still be brooding about it a year later.
Your partner is a grade a cunt.

Sorry to hear about the abuse. It's not clear why you are gathering evidence but I would focus on the other threats, which are much more serious. The spider thing is mean but you weren't actually in danger there.

He sounds like a horrible person. It's futile with people like him to try to get them to understand or apologise so I wouldn't mention the spider incident to him.

Is ‘massive arseholes’ the best you could do?

I’m so sorry for what you went through, I was in an abusive relationship and I cannot urge you enough to leave as soon as you can, your life will change so much for the better once you leave this man.

I understand the need to go over things in your mind as you start to doubt yourself about what’s reasonable behaviour and what isn’t, it’s normal to question incidents like this when you have been conditioned to believe everything is your fault and you are worthless, you didn’t deserve to be treated this way and this man is a cruel bully.

Tormenting someone who has a phobia is incredibly cruel and hard for people who don’t have one to understand. It’s like taking someone with a fear of heights to a cliff edge and threatening to throw them off, your body responds to fear in the same way even though one situation is significantly more dangerous then the other. A phobia is irrational and you can’t control your reactions when you are overcome with terror.

I have a terrible phobia of rats, I was walking home one night and it was winter and dark, a rat suddenly came out of some bushes I was passing and ran towards me. My DP was at work and I called him having a severe panic attack, he was driving but pulled over and managed to talk to me and calm me down and stayed on the phone till I’d walked home, he made sure I was sat down and had pulled myself together before he set off again.
My DP wasn’t irritated by my over the top reaction, his concern was to make sure I calmed down and got home safely. These are the actions of a kind man who loves me and cares about me, if he ever threatened to throw a rat in my face then I would feel completely violated and never forgive him.

Ignore the unsympathetic comments on this thread and focus on the supportive ones, I hope you get out of this situation soon and can have a fresh start and be happy.

I can’t believe the stuff some people write on here. Just forget it or seek therapy, and stop writing your thoughts in acronyms.

Exactly. DH is an arse. As is everyone else who doesn't understand how real the fear is.