DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

[Cupofteaformeee]

I am extremely phobic of spiders. 🕷️

I’ll try and keep this brief - DH is a STBEXH as I’m making plans to leave due to EA and VA. I’ve started writing everything he’s done or said to me and I’m seeking opinions on his behaviour.

Around a year ago we were both in the living room and a huge spider ran across the floor. I stood on the couch and shouted for DH to please please get rid of the spider. He’s not scared of them. He was gaming at the time and replied saying “Don’t tell me what to do” I begged him, please please get the spider and he shouted that if I scream at him one more time he would pick the spider up and throw it in my face. 😦

Opinions please?? His threat has stayed with me ever since.

It wasn't kind or nice of him. But he is not a nice person and has a history of violent coercive behaviour. So you demanding or asking for his help on something is never going to end well.
Just get out

Really strange to lead with the spider story.

He behaved like the abusive dickhead he is OP. Im not sure why people on here are lining up to take a shot at you. I hope he’s a proper ex soon.

I totally get it op.

He has spent years grooming you so you don't know what's abuse and what isn't anymore.

In a lot of ways it's easier when they are blatently threatening violence, I sometimes used to feel relieved when my ex hit me, because the psychological stuff was so much worse and had me doubting myself. Then, as demonstrated by this thread, you tell someone and people just think you're over reacting, because, in isolation, it doesn't sound that bad.

This is a small part of a larger picture, and you're absolutely entitled to your feelings about it though.

Are you in touch with women's aid at all? They can really help you with leaving him.

All the best for getting out op, it's not easy, but it's so worth it 💐

My husband can be pretty selfish and inconsiderate but in nearly 40 years of marriage he has never refused to get rid of a spider when I've asked. He's certainly never made a joke or threat to throw one at me. In the same way I respect his irrational fear of heights so don't try and make him climb ladders or walk close to the edge of cliffs etc or 'joke' push him when we are on a balcony.

I think you are as bad as each other. Screaming at your partner to get a spider while standing on the couch is OTT. He didn’t threaten to throw it into your face just because. He said stop screaming or…and laid out a consequence that is harmless except for your phobia which is as bad as your screaming at him.

My adult DD is extremely phobic of spiders and she has learned not to scream or demand. She quietly removes herself from the presence of the spider and then asks politely for one of us to go in and evict or smash it.

A spider phobia is not an excuse to scream demands at a partner and your screaming is not an excuse for him to say stop or I will throw it in your face.

Neither of you behaved well.

I’m so sorry for these awful responses. It’s not a joke at all and it’s abuse. You were obviously terrified and he used that to punish you.

I avoid all images, discussions, everything related to that phobia

Yet you and other arachnophobes who are criticising the OP for using a spider emoji, clicked on a thread about spiders and engaged in a discussion here 🤷🏼‍♀️

I work in mental health. Phobias are irrational and reactions can be extreme. I don’t have a spider phobia but I am able to understand the terror. Not all people can stay calm and control their reactions.

Nothing about the OP screaming warrants the abusive nasty comment from this man. If you think otherwise, you need to raise your expectations of your partner.

"I have a phobia too, not of spiders" Can't you read?

I hope you're joking. If not, you're a nasty person. Seriously, who does this?! You clearly don't understand what it's like to be so frightened of something. Just because you don't have the phobia don't be so bloody nasty to those who do.

I'm the spider catcher in our family, and I work very hard at not being irritated by the scardy cats. But I do work hard at it and wouldn't dream of doing this as a threat or a joke. That's just awful.

Wtf? No it's not, not even in the slightest if you're genuinely phobic.

Fuck me I wish we could downvote things

Tbh, OP, if my DH refused to remove a spider & leave me in a panicked state I would consider there to be something deeply wrong with our relationship. And that's without all the other things you've had to endure with this man.

I've no idea why so many have come on here to be all 'just deal with, I did!' all smug as shit, but were phobias so easy to get over then we all would be, wouldn't we. Cos they are crap, no one likes being terrified to their core of something that's often harmless & I feel like an idiot when it happens, I hate it!

A partner who refused to understand that wouldn't be one for me - but this incident really is at the bottom of the list for reasons to gtfo ASAP.

Just because there's abuse in a relationship doesn't mean every imperfect moment is abuse.

It doesn't help op to recover and have healthy relationships in the future if people fill her head with the nonsense that imperfect = abuse and that she has no responsibility for her own behaviour. You can't build future healthy relationships based on those beliefs.

Decent human beings behave imperfectly too.

One of my DC has a debilitating phobia (not spiders). To use their phobia against them would be worse than seriously physically assaulting them, and believe me, I do not say that lightly.

OP, people who do not understand phobias won't get where you are coming from, but I totally understand how deeply distressing this must have been for you and I can see why it has played on your mind since.

Decent human beings don't threaten to throw spiders in somebody's face when they clearly have a phobia. Decent human beings, regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not, deal with the problem kindly and understand that people aren't always very sensible when they suffer from a phobia - those with phobias act irrationally, when they look back at the situation they know they're being irrational, but in that single moment, they're terrified. Acting imperfectly is doing something silly by mistake not threatening somebody with the very thing they're terrified of.

It's not funny

And if her husband is abusive he would have said it and followed through

This happened a year ago and you're still banging on about it ?

She's trying to come to terms with the fact she's in an abusive relationship, and write down everything abusive he has done in order to help her leave.

It's hard to know what's abuse and what isn't when you've been worn down so much that you're a completely different person.

So yes, she is 'banging on' about it. People quite often do while they are getting their head around years of suffering at the hands of an abuser.

What does those acronyms mean someone pl?

Soon to be ex husband

Nah, I don't live on a planet where it's OK to minimise, invalidate and trivialise a phobic person's fear responses. Nor one where it's OK to minimise emotional abuse.