DH threatened to throw a spider in my face

[Cupofteaformeee]

I am extremely phobic of spiders. 🕷️

I’ll try and keep this brief - DH is a STBEXH as I’m making plans to leave due to EA and VA. I’ve started writing everything he’s done or said to me and I’m seeking opinions on his behaviour.

Around a year ago we were both in the living room and a huge spider ran across the floor. I stood on the couch and shouted for DH to please please get rid of the spider. He’s not scared of them. He was gaming at the time and replied saying “Don’t tell me what to do” I begged him, please please get the spider and he shouted that if I scream at him one more time he would pick the spider up and throw it in my face. 😦

Opinions please?? His threat has stayed with me ever since.

You are a very lucky person then to not have any phobias. You don’t necessarily act rationally or reasonably when faced with something you are frightened of. Then for someone who is supposed to care for you to threaten to throw it in your face is unacceptable.

I have a phobia too, not of spiders, but I avoid all images, discussions, everything related to that phobia because it brings up the associated fear. I would never use an emoji of the phobia.

If someone is panicking through fear and you threaten to shut them up with the very thing they are afraid of, it is not OK.

YABU about the spider situation, I have an awful phobia but wouldn't scream at anyone to drop what they're doing and pick one up, easy enough to put a glass or large bowl over it until someone who isn't afraid can put it outside.
You've mentioned he is abusive, I wouldn't be focusing on a non-event with a spider, it's the rest that is an issue - good to hear you'll be leaving him.

I love my husband and trust him to deal with spiders knowing my utter phobia so he'd never do this. He is used to me repeating (gabbling) get get it get it please get it over and over until its gone. I agree 'missing' is worse than in sight and a lost spider is what kicked off my phobia being told to stay ina room with it (as a child) because it had run away.

If my loving husband ever threatened me like this, I'd leave him. It would be a complete betrayal because he knows how phobic I am. I'd never trust him again so I get your post.

Focusing on this one thing now is revealing however. Why this, why now?

There's loads living in your house all the time, that's why they're called house spiders, if we're talking about living in GB.

He's your stbx. Why do you expect kindness.

yabu in the specific scenario that you described in your OP (that’s not at all to say he isn’t an emotional or verbal abuser but in my opinion your scenario regarding the spider isn’t an example of either)

For everyone focusingnon an emoji you've obviously trying to tell OP that her phobia isn't severe, you don't believe her etc. What do you think this adds to the discussion?

Are you for real???

Exactly. I'm terrified of spiders and the threat of having one thrown in my face would be untenable

If your husband was repeatedly asking you for help with something that was causing him extreme distress and fear you'd be pissed off with him? That's very unkind.

I voted YABU because if someone shouted and screamed at me to do something, I'm not sure I'd feel particularly helpful.

I get that you're terrified but if this was man shouting and screaming at his wife, the replies would be very different.

The people saying this is harmless have never experienced DA. When you know the person, what they're capable of and how they treat you in general then you know when they're being threatening and intentionally intimidating. You know all this so just keep going with your plans to leave and keep a log of what he's doing

She didn't ask, though, she was shouting and screaming from the sofa.

If she'd said "DH, there's a massive spider just scuttled across the floor - could you sort it?" she'd likely have got a different response.

He was very much in the wrong for threatening to throw it at you. Absolutely.

But I think it’s a little unreasonable to expect him to jump to it re your request to get rid of it. It must be really exhausting to be asked to drop things off whenever you see a spider.

Surely everyone works on the basis that every house has some harmless spiders in it at all times, even if you can’t see them? How could there not be?

I realise it’s a phobia but there’s a limit to the extend to which that’s someone else’s problem.

I’m claustrophobic but I don’t expect anyone else to act to accommodate my phobia, I just do what I need to do, ie book my aisle seat and not worry if I end up sitting alone.

I think you can rightly chalk up his behaviour to him not being interested in helping you. He probably found your panic irritating if the relationship was in a bad state already. Only you can gauge whether or not he would have carried out his threat.

Writing it all down, as you are doing, can help you process it all and hopefully will help set the boundaries for a future healthy, caring relationship.

That's like my worst nightmare op. I remember when my mum would catch one, even though she was my MUM, I'd suddenly lose all trust in her and have to be really far away in case she decided to do this. Of course she wouldn't dream of it. It's using your fear against you. Horrible. Sadistic more than unkind.

My opinion is that you won't ever get a response that you want. So, until the point at which you're out and he's no longer infecting your days with misery, you're going to need to find a different way to act.

Yeah, it's hard, but if you leave, you're going to have to deal with the presence of eight legged buggers without standing on the sofa and screaming anyhow. And it would probably be quite useful for him to think that for some reason, you're not that bothered by them anymore - he wouldn't be able to scare you or threaten them with you, for a start.

Doesn't mean you have to suddenly have a Spider Best Buddy that you keep in your cardigan pocket and dress in little green boots and a sparkly pink bow tie on Sundays, but imagine how deflated he would feel if instead of screaming and begging, you just went 'Ugh. Spider' and walked away legs shaking or even used a long reach spider catcher to remove one.

After all, it's the human that's the biggest risk to your safety and sanity, not the unfortunate fly catcher on legs that's been unfortunate enough to stroll in between the two of you, isn't it?

I'm astounded anyone could see this as not abusive.

Sounds like a right nasty bastard. Your life will be better off without him
I completely sympathise with you.
I don't think a decent person would mind getting a spider for you

I he said it half jokingly, half irritated to have to stop what he is doing to "handle" a spider crisis, I would say you were overreacting... but if his tone eas threatening and there are other signs of EA then of course its very different

A joke? What planet are you on?

I’m the spider catcher in our house, DH hates them, as well as flies, moths, wasps, even fruit flies.

I do find his fear and running away from crawlies annoying, especially as when I’m not home, he has strategies for removing the crawlies himself.

In light of the wider abuse I’m reluctant to comment but I do think someone standing on the sofa would be annoying.

You need to keep a transparent plastic pot handy so you can just pop it over the spider and slide cardboard underneath to dispose of it.