Having I fucked up the sex talk?

[TheSmartestGiantInTown1]

Today my 6 year old asked me how a man's seed gets into a woman's tummy (I have told him previously that babies are made from an egg and seed). His 4 year sister was listening at the time. My Mum was a HCP so very frank and no nonsense about anything body related, so I was always of the opinion it was best to answer questions honestly but without lots of unnecessary detail. I therefore explained that a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina, the seed goes into a woman's womb, and meets the egg there. My daughter asked where the babies came out, I said the vagina. They looked mildly surprised and the conversation moved on.

I'd never discussed this with DH and he is horrified- I now see that we should have discussed our approach to this inevitable question long ago. He says I've stolen their innocence, and they'll never see the world the same way again. Honestly they didn't seem that bothered- there was a lot more questions when I had to explain a family member died. However now I feel horrible. Have I totally fucked this up? DH said I should have said that people have a special cuddle.

This thread has raised for me the related question of when to tell a child about sex (intercourse).

I've already explained the egg, getting fertilised, growing in womb, being born..

I haven't gone as far as sexual intercourse.

I don't know if/when she's (7) going to ask that.

Should I wait until asked?

What age did you tell your kids about that part?

She has been ocass getting dolls to kiss and lie on each othe, she must have seen it somewhere. And she says ask why/what's happening when people lie on each other.

I sort of avoided the question, I think I just said they're cuddling or something like that. Should I have told her about sex (?)

In answer to a question from my then 10 year old son. My policy has always been to answer questions asked. It was the most difficult of his questions.

Oh, my mum kept my 'innocence' and, let me tell you, it can be WAY more traumatic when your 11 yr old self has no idea why they're bleeding. Am I dying?
Even when, after a few times of it happening, I told her, she gave me a massive pad and told me it will happen every month or so now. No why involved? It's still upsetting 43 yrs later.

Therefore, sex and reproduction and love and respect, including the mechanical aspects, were a part of the conversation from the moment they started asking. Age appropriate, of course. It was just not a taboo subject and I made sure I never, ever came across as anything other than matter of fact. Having that kind of base understanding makes it just another function of our bodies as we grow 🤷‍♀️
Oh, and my mum has never said the words penis, vulva, vagina, sperm, womb without huge embarrassment, if at all. So you bet those words are used, again, in appropriate situations and completely matter of fact.

You did the right thing. Personally, I hate the reference to 'seed' but answering the question as you did was absolutely the right thing to do.

He says I've stolen their innocence, and they'll never see the world the same way again.

I can never understand this way of thinking. I think people must have heard it somewhere and internalised it even though it makes no sense.

How on earth does that steal their innocence? It doesn't.

From your title I took it as you'd fucked up talking dirty! 😆 not sure where my head is at!

(Sorry not helpful!)

No this is fine. DH is overreacting, we did say 'special cuddle' to start with but kids quickly asked more questions. Might cheer you up to know that this happened at the dinner table when Nana (MIL) was around. I suggested I tell them later but Nana very (un)helpfully told me to go ahead and explain...

Which I did.

Cue horrified faces "you and Daddy did that?!", "Nana you did that?!" and my personal fave "why couldn't you just eat the seed"!

You did exactly the right thing. Best approach is always to answer their questions, giving them just the info they’ve asked for. Give them facts, in an age appropriate way.

Always makes me laugh when people think telling kids babies come out of vaginas is horrifying, but making up stuff such as they “pop out of your belly button” is somehow much less weird…

Mine are 8 and 6 and know. I think you tell them when they ask you the specifics 🤷‍♀️

Definitely. And why people think that it is shameful or even dirty. Things we don't speak of teach very clear messages to children. None of them positive.

Look up the poem “stealing their innocence” by Hollie McNish. It’s a beautiful powerful poem.

You’ve done fine, OP.

Good job mama! Your hub needs to get over his pearl clutching!!

A bit of a side step but it's really interesting that many people have said they use age appropriate language / descriptions to answer in a factual way but then talk about the 'seed' meeting the egg... why 'seed' as opposed to 'sperm'? Of all the terms that I still have to stop myself from cringing slightly when using, 'sperm' feels like a pretty easy one!

You might be the kind of parent who allows your kids believing father Christmas and fairies etc instead of telling them the truth at 4 years old. I'm probably more like you but from this thread, I think most parents believe in telling their children the entire truth even at a very young age. I'm surprised with all this truth telling, there are any 5 year olds who still believe in Magic or maybe there are different rules for things like that perhaps

Upset them more than weird lies? Than learning they can't trust you to give them sexual information?

It was usbourne facts of life I think?

Anyway it really messed things up for me with the strange illustrations I think they were box like male and female robots? I was scared ! I wondered how long you had to stay still and if it took a long time 😂😂

I knew what a period was, but the blood was weird the first time, and I thought I had worms inside me. I couldn't talk to anyone and I was terrified

When my daughter was about 6 an older boy in the playground said to her ‘you wouldn’t even know what a penis was, do you want to see my penis, you’d like it’ thinking he was all hilarious and she’d be confused/ scared. She told me she scoffed at him and said ‘of course I know what a penis is, you’re pathetic’ and just like that the wind was taken out of his proverbial sexual bullying sails. Information is protection.

You did a great job. It's your husband who needs rethink his approach.

I’m the same as you, I try to answer these sort of questions truthfully. Although I’ll never forget when I told my daughter her response was ‘I can’t believe you and Daddy did that!’

If it helps I had a very pleased teacher literally thank me for keeping it frank and no-nonsense with my then six year old. They'd had a very basic level sex Ed lesson (essentially body parts but proper names and the notion of privacy, safety). Apparently very few 6 year olds had a single clue that penis, vagina, breasts were either words or anything other than stupidly rude . Most of them had an impressive range of nonsense words (dilly and sparkle were mentioned) which, let's face it, are one of the many ways children can be subject to abuse through ignorance.

There's no point in teaching something (special cuddle) that then has to be unlearned later.

I am a midwife and my boys have known about sex/periods/birth/puberty/consent ect in as age appropriate way as I can manage but factual since they were little. I never started the conversations but they would ask questions. Now 13 and 10 and very open and ask what they want with no embarrassment which is how it should be.

Absolutely not fucking them up.

You have just contradicted yourself!

I don't think 6 is very young at all. Probably because dc1 began to ask some questions at 3 and knew it all at 4. If a child is old enough to be considering it, they are old enough to heae the truth.

It is because your parents took you out, they taught you it is not appropriate to talk about, when it really is not a big deal.

I don't think young kids need to know about sex. It isn't relevant to them. They just do learn in a subtle way from the world around them as they get older

Your DH is being unreasonable. It’s biology, pure and simple. It’s neither innocent nor corrupt. My mum described it this way to me at the same age – I gave a specific memory of it. I grew up perfectly well thanks!