To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

[Popandcrackle]

My mum passed away very unexpectedly almost four weeks ago. It’s been an incredible shock and I’m still devastated. I posted before about it at the time. I had to leave my partner and daughter for five days to go back home and arrange the funeral. I’m an only child raised by my single mum so I have very few relatives.

At the time my partner phoned his mum and told her what happened, our mums met a few times, mostly when my daughter was a baby and at Dds birthday parties. MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together however MIL can be reclusive and distant at times. MIL is aware how close I am to my mum, we went on holidays regularly etc. MIL asked partner to pass on how sorry she was and that I was part of their family etc.

However she hasn’t reached out to me personally at all, no texts, no asking how we’re doing or even how her grand daughter is. I asked my partner incase she had messaged him and he said he’s had nothing. I just find it so bizarre that she hasn’t asked in four weeks how we are. I’ve had lots of people from mums life contact me to pass on their condolences yet someone who shared a grandchild with has said nothing. I’m aware I’m very sensitive at the moment but it feels disrespectful to my mum and my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

any advice welcome, I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive but I just don’t understand it. I just can’t imagine not reaching out to MIL if she had any bereavement's.

I'm so sorry about your mum

Some people can't deal with death. Its not right but it is true.

She's been unsupportive and rubbish, but you don't need to understand it any more deeply than that.

Just for now, put her out of your mind. Your DH can make any arrangements. You focus on you.

If you generally have a good relationship it's far more likely she is just being awkward and weird around death, like so many people, than that she has any intention of being rude or upsetting you. I agree it's rude and I understand why you feel upset but blowing up your remaining family relationships over this would be an overreaction. Frankly DH should probably have gently spoken to her about this by now and given her a nudge to say something.

Maybe she doesn’t want to feel she is interfering, especially if she is quite reclusive. Also grief can be a funny thing so someone having lost their mum might not want another ‘mum’ near them for awhile as it reminds you of what you have lost.

I am sorry for your loss @Popandcrackle 💐

I’m sure she cares but is at a loss as to how to support you. Maybe she’s waiting for you to contact her? Please don’t let this cause you further upset.

Perhaps she is just scared of upsetting you. Some people think that they don't want to cause you hurt, so say nothing.

I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you for all your responses. The logical part of me knows this is an emotional reaction because it’s not what I would do in the situation but people grieve and approach death very differently. I want my Dd to have the best relationships with her family and I will facilitate it however I can. I suppose my expectations were out of line with what MIL felt was the right way to do it. I won’t say anything but I don’t feel ready myself to reach out to her. Thanks for the advice!

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your loss. Some people just don't know what to say, it's quite common. Also it's probably a sharp reminder of her own mortality so perhaps she's scared for herself. I would suggest that your DH contacts her and arranged a meet up of some kind. The ice needs to be broken and really it's not up to you to do it.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know that losing a parent absolutely floors you.

I found that some people are spectacularly poor at dealing with grief, they don't want to acknowledge it and seeing death or someone hurt causes them to turn away from the pain.

I also found that the people I thought would step in and help didn't, but the most unexpected kindnesses came from others - sometimes near strangers. Typically it was people who had experienced loss and knew to just reach out who were the most helpful.

Its really hard feeling let down by people who you thought you had a close relationship with, but dwelling on it won't help and won't heal. She may be waiting for a sign from you that contact would be helpful to you, so if you're feeling up to it message her directly and just leave the door open.

I get it, your emotions will be all over the place, you will fixate on external hurts, because you are grieving deeply and you need kindness and time in abundance.

She did reach out - through your partner, and said you were part of their family.
You don’t sound like you like her? She probably senses that. Why is so it important to you to have a personal message from someone you dislike?

She's scared of interfering, I'll bet.
She doesn't want you feeling like " oh god, now I've got the mother in law on at me".
She's sent love via your husband and she's showing love in practical ways. I'd just let this lie.

Shes been rubbish at supporting you, but I don't think going NC is the right response. It's hurtful and it's something you won't forget, but she otherwise has been a good MIL and good grandparent. Its a lot to throw away over not receiving a text message. She has initially said her bit, some people are awful dealing with death and don't know how to react.

‘You don’t sound like you like her’ What? How on Earth did you get that from OP’s posts?!

Out comes the underbelly of MN. Managing to not only let the nastiness drip from every word, but to also demonstrate a spectacular inability to read and understand words.

When I lost my father unexpectedly and I was a lot older than you, I found it really hard to see my FIL. I felt resentful that he was still alive. The fact that my FIL was partially blind and living in a care home didn't affect my resentment. After six months or so my feelings completely changed. I was able to be a loving warm DIL again. I never told anyone I felt that way and just faked it whilst being so angry inside.
Death is horrible and grief can get in the way of your reactions to others. I asked colleagues not to be told at work that my father had died because I knew if someone asked me about it that I would cry. I didn't want to talk about it because that made it real and part of me hoped that it was all a terrible dream and that he would come back.
Be very kind to yourself. Avoid picking fights with anyone for six months. Your feelings are so full of anger and resentment and the urge to look for a scapegoat, any scapegoat is strong.
I internalised my grief and wanted it to be private even from my husband and friends. I did not want to discuss the circumstances of his death casually with people. What helped was being busy and working hard. After 6 months/ a year I felt better and stopped being angry with my FIL for still being alive.
I am so sorry for your loss. Time will help

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Having lost both my parents I now appreciate how difficult it is for you or for others to know what to say or do to help you. She’s probably giving you some space, thinking of you daily, aware she could be a reminder of your lost maternal relationship, possibly cautious that as a MiL (which I am) it’s so easy to hit the wrong note.
You need her. Reach out to her and tell her. She’ll be there for you.

How on earth did you reach that interpretation?

Referencing your name, I’d suggest that this is one occasion when you have been unreasonable.

OP, I’d let your DH handle this. She should certainly have sent a card by now. Mine would have sent a card and flowers.

That's absolutely bizarre, I'm sorry but there's no excuse whatsoever, including "she didn't know what to say". You say something, whatever it is, you reach out. I wouldn't forgive her for this. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. I agree with PP, she's somewhere on the spectrum between being uncomfortable and awkward around death, and not wanting to say the wrong thing or be insensitive. Possibly she wants to keep distance and wait for a signal from you, in case it's upsetting for you to see her in the role of granny now that your mum isn't around. Your partner should be giving her a nudge.

I’m so sorry for your loss. This happened with my mother in law when my brother died suddenly and at a young age. Our families had been intertwined for 20 years and she didn’t reach out to me or my parents, or offer help with the children when we needed it most. In fact when my husband called with the news she set off to an all weekend music festival despite being 10 minutes down the road from us!

I realise now it was to do with her own problems around death but a year on it still hurts a lot and I don’t see us ever having the same relationship. It’s the feeling that someone you thought you could rely on didn’t step up when it matters. However, I have learned to cherish those who were there for us as a family and to make sure we are as mindful as possible when helping others in times of tragedy.

Try to focus on your own healing and remembering your mum and not channel it into unhelpful anger.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I lost my mum and had to arrange the funeral on my own so I know how difficult it can be. I think that death is a difficult one, I know I’m guilty of managing it badly in the past. It’s difficult to know what to say, if to say anything, sometimes you think space might be best.

Im on the spectrum and probably would have done the same, passed on my condolences through DH and given you some space to process. If your MIL is a bit reclusive you might find she also has some processing difficulties, maybe shes just giving you space rather than intentionally withdrawing support when you need it most.

You are clearly the OPPOSITE of your username.

God you sound absolutely awful. Is jumping to conclusions part of your exercise routine? You’re clearly very good at it.

OP, your mother in law should have reached out to you. I can’t understand people who don’t. I’m so sorry for your loss. Some people just let you down I’m afraid.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it's especially painful when you don't have siblings to share it with. The five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance- can be useful to chart your way through this very sad time, and these stages shift back and forth.

Maybe you are angry at the loss of your dear mum and projecting onto your MIL, who hasn't been very forthcoming with words of support for whatever reason. If you generally have a good relationship, try to move past this. Your emotions are understandably all over the place due to grief, but try to keep on good terms for the future and for your child and family moving forwards.

@ohthejoys21
After bereavement,people often don't want to talk about their grief to anyone. I hated friends sending me condolence cards. I made it too real at a time when I was struggling with overwhelming grief. It was all too raw and completely unimaginable that this terrible thing had happened. Time heals and it gradually becomes possible to acknowledge what has happened.
For the first six months I wanted to be alone with my grief. I did not want people casually mentioning it to me. It is so hard to lose a loved one.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Going against the grain here, I think that your MIL is massively out of order.

I don't think it takes much to even send something as small as a quick text to say 'I'm so sorry, you are in my thoughts, please let me know if you need anything'

It's actually fairly easy to be supportive without being overbearing.

I can see why you are hurt.