To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

[Popandcrackle]

My mum passed away very unexpectedly almost four weeks ago. It’s been an incredible shock and I’m still devastated. I posted before about it at the time. I had to leave my partner and daughter for five days to go back home and arrange the funeral. I’m an only child raised by my single mum so I have very few relatives.

At the time my partner phoned his mum and told her what happened, our mums met a few times, mostly when my daughter was a baby and at Dds birthday parties. MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together however MIL can be reclusive and distant at times. MIL is aware how close I am to my mum, we went on holidays regularly etc. MIL asked partner to pass on how sorry she was and that I was part of their family etc.

However she hasn’t reached out to me personally at all, no texts, no asking how we’re doing or even how her grand daughter is. I asked my partner incase she had messaged him and he said he’s had nothing. I just find it so bizarre that she hasn’t asked in four weeks how we are. I’ve had lots of people from mums life contact me to pass on their condolences yet someone who shared a grandchild with has said nothing. I’m aware I’m very sensitive at the moment but it feels disrespectful to my mum and my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

any advice welcome, I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive but I just don’t understand it. I just can’t imagine not reaching out to MIL if she had any bereavement's.

Why be so horrible to the OP who is grieving? There is nothing in her post to indicate that she doesn't like her MIL.

MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together

Where on earth are you getting 'dislike' from?

Im sorry to hear your MIL hasnt reached out directly to you. Some people deal with death/grief differently and in their own way.

There's a possibility she may be conscious of her own mortality and by avoiding it, it's 'out of sight, out of mind'. I'm not saying it's right and it's disappointing that she hasn't contacted you but it maybe an explanation as to why she's keeping away.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. x. I'm going to say, as others have, that your MIL may believe that the best thing at the moment is to give you space. She may not know what to say. She may have had experiences in the past with trying to reach out to someone in grief and finding that it was the wrong thing to do.

Please don't make any major decisions about your relationship with her right now, while you are still very deep in grief. Give yourself time and space and be kind to yourself, and then contact her when you're ready.

I would normally agree with the idea she's giving you space, but to not even ask your partner how her grandchild is doing in a month is a lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss x Personally, I think a hand-written note/card from her at the time would have hit the spot, and now a message asking if there's anything she can do to help would be thoughtful. But, we're all different and I'm not sure I've always reacted thoughtfully in certain situations.
When my darling sister died a sudden death (we're in our 70s so not youngsters), my darling DIL's parents wrote me a wonderful note remembering the only 2 occasions they'd met her and saying lovely things - gosh, if only we were all like that! Anyway, please don't hold it against her, perhaps her son could ask her if she's contacted you recently to jog her into action? X

I don't really understand all the posts making excuses.
Mil should have contacted you directly, even if it was just a text to say sorry for your loss/thinking of you.
There's no excuse for that.

Loosing your mum is incredibly painful and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think a lot of people just don't know what to say when someone dies and so don't say anything. Or their worried about saying the wrong thing.
Also it's possible she doesn't want to intrude and is waiting for you to make the first move
But try not to worry about MIL, you do what you need to to get through this.

Oh come on. Every time there's a MIL post we get "you don't seem to like her".
This is incredibly insensitive. OP is grieving for her mother who she lost unexpectedly. She would have liked some warmth from her MIL but that isn't forthcoming. Nothing suggests she doesn't like her and even if that's true, sniping at her on here won't help.

Don’t be too harsh on her, she asked after you and sent her love through dh and now she is giving space. my mum took a step back when mil died as she didn’t want to step on toes and wanted to give dh time to adjust and grieve.
at first, i even went to another room to phone my mum as dh and his mum spoke most nights on the phone and I felt awkward speaking to my own mum when he couldn’t speak to his anymore.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I can't help but think of it the other way around. A thread where someone's mil had been over with flowers and sympathy etc and the OP was posting upset about mil overstepping / disrespecting their dms memory.

So really and truly I think MIL can't do right for doing wrong. If she contacts you she's overstepping, making it about her, being insensitive etc. If she sends a polite message via her son and tries to give you space and the opportunity to reach out on your own terms if and when you want to, she's uncaring and cold.

If you assume ignorance rather than ill intent on people that will help.

I think decide if you want to spend time with MIL at this point in time or not. If you do then reach out. If you don't then don't. IMO MIL has been thoughtful, by not getting in your personal space at this time.

When my DF died I was like the poster who couldn’t be around her FIL. When first Father’s Day after DF died came round I helped DS celebrate it with DH, but I could not have coped with FIL being there. I wouldn’t have stopped DH seeing him but I wouldn’t have joined them. Obviously as time passed I became close to him again

I'm so sorry about your mum and yes, of course your MIL should have reached out to you. You will feel angry at her now but further down the line I think you won't feel so strongly. But it may inform how you react to other's bereavements.

As an example, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. Some members of DH's family rang me on hearing the news. I really appreciated that and was very touched and surprised by it. I wanted to tell the story (over and over!) and I wanted them to acknowledge how painful it was and how sorry they were- and they allowed me to do that.

It made me realise that if someone you are close to suffers a bereavement, you should have a conversation with them soonest - something that, without personal experience, I probably hadn't done previously (other than a sympathy card). My thinking was they need space/time to grieve/it's too early.

But it is never unwelcome and always appreciated. You cannot make the bereaved person feel any worse. (Unless you really put your foot in it, eg 'I never liked him much'!!)

Some people I thought I was close to did not reach out. I was resentful at the time, but I have learned to let it go and now actually, I also can't remember exactly who rang me and who didn't. But I remember the sentiment and I try to carry that forward.

???
Talk about seing issues where there is none 🙄

I’m sure she’s just giving you some space. If shes been through a bereavement before she may have wanted space for herself at that time so that’s what she’s giving to you.

When mil died, DP didn’t want to have to reply to messages, it was too much.

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

I like her very much and have a lot of respect for her. When I was on maternity leave she would often come over and help me or let me nap. I know she can be a very warm and caring person, I’ve seen it first hand with her grandchildren. I think that’s why this has struck me as being strange.

As pp have said I’m inclined to think it’s her own issues around death and grieving rather than a deliberate lack of thought.

I’m afraid I think you’re being unreasonable, and in danger of causing an irreparable and very sad breach between your little family and DH's wider family. Totally understandable, after your awful loss, but imo your current grief is leading you to interpret her (non-)actions in a way that really isn’t logical.

It’s not as if she hasn't said anything at all. She sent you a really lovely message via her son. She probably thinks you wouldn't welcome her intruding on your grief. She has read the situation wrongly, and definitely should have contacted you personally, but a lot of people shy away from interacting with bereaved people because they don’t know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Then the longer they leave it, the harder it gets because they feel embarrassed.

Yes, she is definitely in the wrong, but please don’t punish her, your DH and your DC because of it for ever.

Your DH needs to tell her you would welcome a message or a visit from her. (If she still did nothing, that would make things very different.)

@Popandcrackle it may not be lack of thought but as I and others have said giving you space, so thinking you only want to be with your family Maybe she is waiting for DH to contact her to say you are able to have a chat with her. Did she attend the funeral?

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

YANBU. I had almost the same experience when my dad died. I found it so hurtful and almost an insult to him personally. It took me almost a year to stop feeling angry about it. I didn't burn any bridges, but I did reassess my relationship with some of my in-laws and I'm definitely not as close to them as I was before he died.

My DD’s partner lost his father at the end of last month unexpectedly and he had to fly back home for the funeral. I didn’t message him directly as I knew he was really busy and had loads of messages to deal with plus the logistics of a long haul flight and funeral a long distance away so asked DD to pass on how extremely sorry we are and that we are thinking of him and gave her money so she could order in food in the few days before he flew out in the hope it might make things just a tiny bit less stressful for him . I’ve been supporting DD so she can support him as she was pretty shocked.

Im my experience the initial support from loads of people fades away after a bit. We will be here for him in the long term and I think that’s more when our role comes into play . He may well be spending Christmas with us and we will do everything we can to help him get through that. Maybe she is thinking similarly and giving you space for now ? It is hard how best to approach things, especially if it was unexpected.

Sorry for your loss @Popandcrackle.

I lost DM last year and although they had separated when I was a kid I heard very little from DF afterwards. Sometimes you just need some support, no matter how small, and you do feel let down when it's not forthcoming.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Your MIL's lack of response is appalling. You are part of her family, the mother of her grandchild, and you've suffered a major bereavement that she's decided to ignore. It's appalling manners and it tells you something important about her.

She could have gone to a shop, bought a card, written six or seven words and posted it to you. She could have sent flowers with a note. She didn't have to speak to you one-to-one or come over to see you. I've really had enough of the argument that she might not 'do' death and grief and people trying to make excuses for her. She's a self-centred, cowardly woman who cannot extend a basic courtesy to a family member.

Judge others not on what they say and do but on how they behave. It's deeds, not words, that matter. Her behaviour is execrable.

She should jolly well have sent a card and a bunch of flowers "always here when you need me - let me know if there's anything I can do at this time".

TBF my MIL would be doing what your MIL is doing and has. She doesn't cope with life events. Partbof marriage is learning how partners and their families deal with the big stuff. It isn't always easy.

@Popandcrackle

I do really think though that even with arranging funerals, flying to places, dealing with messages etc as the OP had to, there is ALWAYS time to talk about a loved one. Always time to acknowledge grief. Always space to send a message with no expectation of a reply. It's unchartered territory and terribly sad. But even worse if you feel like you are navigating it alone.