To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

[Popandcrackle]

My mum passed away very unexpectedly almost four weeks ago. It’s been an incredible shock and I’m still devastated. I posted before about it at the time. I had to leave my partner and daughter for five days to go back home and arrange the funeral. I’m an only child raised by my single mum so I have very few relatives.

At the time my partner phoned his mum and told her what happened, our mums met a few times, mostly when my daughter was a baby and at Dds birthday parties. MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together however MIL can be reclusive and distant at times. MIL is aware how close I am to my mum, we went on holidays regularly etc. MIL asked partner to pass on how sorry she was and that I was part of their family etc.

However she hasn’t reached out to me personally at all, no texts, no asking how we’re doing or even how her grand daughter is. I asked my partner incase she had messaged him and he said he’s had nothing. I just find it so bizarre that she hasn’t asked in four weeks how we are. I’ve had lots of people from mums life contact me to pass on their condolences yet someone who shared a grandchild with has said nothing. I’m aware I’m very sensitive at the moment but it feels disrespectful to my mum and my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

any advice welcome, I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive but I just don’t understand it. I just can’t imagine not reaching out to MIL if she had any bereavement's.

@RosesAndHellebores not everyone wants flowers at this time. It's something else you have to think about and then they die

She's giving her DIL a month's space? You're really scraping the barrel there, looking for excuses for unforgivable behaviour.

Like a previous poster, I hugely appreciated all the people who, instead of wimping out of facing a potentially uncomfortable conversation, picked up the phone to talk to me when my parents died. It didn't have to be a long conversation, but they phoned me because they were concerned about me as well as wanting to say they were sad about my mum or dad dying and those stilted chats were a great comfort to me.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

I think your MiL for whatever reason hadn't felt able to show you support, and you're not unreasonable to feel hurt by this. Both can be true.

For validation if nothing else, my uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago (died 'young' from cancer). Told my MiL when we saw her and literally all she said to me was "oh. But you knew he was ill". None of the conventional 'I'm so sorry to hear that, are you ok?' etc. And coming from someone who lost their own younger sibling to cancer and was devastated by this. I've always sent her a message after any sad news she has received to let her know I was thinking about her. I was initially angry and upset, but told myself I have support from my DH, I don't need it from his family and will now know not to expect it from them going forward.

I don’t know what goes on in these people’s heads OP.

my DS was in NiCU for a month. (His sister is the only other gc MIL has so she’s not swimming in grandchildren)

my mil in law didn’t come to see us or the baby.
And she didn’t text let alone call me to see how I was or offer a kind word.
Not once.

she’d genuinely be likely show more care and concern to a stranger.
its just bizarre.

Only advice is try not to fixate on it.
and also take it as a clear sign as to where you stand.

I don't understand this reply - she absolutely did reach out, she immediately sent a personalised message of condolence and affection to the OP via her son.

If there had been no contact at all your answer would be applicable, but not here.

I'm the opposite, when my mam died MIL inserted herself and it was very intrusive.

She crashed the wake and ended up offending several people by going on and on and on to strangers about how hard it is to be 'old' and how 'aging is awful' baring in mind we where at a fairly young person who died of cancers funeral.

There was just a complete lack of awareness.

Things like helping watch the kids while you sort things are great ways to be supportive but honestly 'reaching out with sympathies' usually just ends in saying the wrong thing etc...

have you seen her yet face to face? Maybe she is waiting until she sees you to say something.

i am very sorry for your loss.

...she did send a message of longer than six or seven words though? The OP received the message in a timely fashion.

She did send a message with no expectation of reply....

Not to the OP though? Or did I misunderstand?

It was addressed to the OP via her partner - "MIL asked partner to pass on x and y".

I'm so sorry for your loss, that's spectacularly shit of her. My mum died last year and I'd of been feeling the same in your situation if my mil had done this. What I did realise is some people I didn't expect it from, were so supportive and some I did think would be there, weren't. I think some people are rubbish with death. It doesn't make it okay. You need to do whatever you feel is best for you going forward with regards to your mother in law.

@Pluvia we are all different. Couldn't cope with phone calls when my DF died. All people would have heard was me sobbing down the phone!

I wonder how DH responded to MIL, maybe that has influenced how she has reacted.

She's a good person. Don't over-think this.

my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

This is grief speaking. You know that this would be a massive MASSIVE over-reaction, right? When this woman has been nothing but kind and thoughtful to you until this?

Talk to your partner (without being critical of his mum) and say that you're confused by her not contacting you, and does he think she's worried about being tactless. Maybe he could then just let her know that you'd be pleased to hear from her

She HAS reached out! Via her son. People don't know how to deal with death, as some people want people to rally round them, others want to be left alone, it's very difficult to know what to do for the best in these situations.

All it sounds like is that you and her have different ways of dealing with it, which is nobody's fault. She passed on her condolences and assured you that you are a part of their family. I personally think that's lovely.

Your feelings are valid - don’t let people explain away your MIL’s poor behavior.

they may be reasons for that behavior but you are perfectly right to feel let down by her lack of compassion.

it’s awful when people disappoint us at such an awful time:

How often does your DH speak to his mum? Has he not spoken to her in 4 weeks @Popandcrackle

So sorry for the loss of your Mum, OP. It must be devastating.

MIL's reaction is weird and upsetting, no doubt about it. But, as others have said, some people just cannot handle death and communications around it. Maddening but true. I think you will regret going NC - she sounds like a good person who just hasn't responded well to this. Maybe in time there will be an opportunity to talk about the fact that you'd like to have heard from her. But, for now, I hope you can manage to put it to the back of your mind and just focus on looking after yourself.

FWIW, my DF died suddenly when I was quite young. I went to stay with the family of my boyfriend at the time very soon after and I thought it was the weirdest thing that no-one said a word about it. He didn't think anything of it.

My DIL shut down completely when her parent died, wouldn't see me or any relatives. We let her be until it had passed. Our son and her children were the only contact she wanted.

Death does affect people in different ways

That's so lame, asking someone else to pass a message on. This isn't someone she barely knows, it's her DIL and basic good manners apply.

People seem to have their standards bar for decent behaviour set incredibly low.

Some people people just lack empathy unfortunately. When my mil’s father died it was during covid, but I rang, texted and sent a beautiful bouquet of very expensive white roses (her favourite). She went on afterwards about how much she loved receiving so many bouquets.

When my stepfather died she bought me a 2.50 Sainsburys candle (I’m allergic to scent, which she knows) and then said some stuff about stepparents not being real parents so not the same grief (he’s been in my life since age 4 and the father to my sibling) that I had to work hard not to tell her to fuck off.

When I had her first grandchild she turned up empty handed and said other people will buy you flowers and the baby gifts so I’m not going to bother. Righto. She’s my DH’s problem now, he has a fairly low contact relationship with her and I’ve gone completely no contact (for reasons other than this, she did and said some very nasty things, though her attitude earlier should have been a major red flag).

Previous posters are really grasping at straws, one brief message through her husband to the mother of her grandchildren is really really crap. I’d do more for work colleagues.

I wouldn’t go no contact yet, but I’d drop the rope, leave all wife work to your DH concerning her and keep your expectations very low and only both going to things with her if you can be bothered.

It's not necessity or behaviour. She sent a lovely message via her son. Maybe she now just feels she should give OP space.

Death is so hard. We are all different when it comes to grief. Some of us crave warmth from others, some want to be left alone and not 'pestered'. Some appreciate flowers, others hate them, as they're a reminder. It's so easy to do the wrong thing, that some just play it safe. It doesn't mean they don't care.

Encouraging OP in thoughts of going no contact with her MIL are unnecessary and unkind

First of all, I am sorry about your mum. I too am an only child and lost my mum in the summer. Although MiL was one of the first people who heard the news I haven't heard anything from her and I didn't really expect to. As couples our parents were quite close, going on holiday together, spending time together socially and when DH and I both lost our DF's within six months of each other the two DM's talked a lot. But I don't think it occurred to MiL to contact me to see how I am. We have spoken since. We chat over Whatsapp regularly but no card or call to see how I am.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think some people just struggle with death and don’t know how to deal with it. She passed the message on through DH so probably thinks that was adequate and doesn’t wish to bother you? Your relationship sounds pretty good so I’d try not to overthink it, I’m sure she means no harm.

I think she did initially reach out through your DH. I suspect the reason she hasn't since then is she feels awkward, you have just lost your Mum, she doesn't want you to think she is trying to step into that role. I imagine if you or your DH speak to her she will be happy to help and support but she may just be waiting for a cue from you.

Sorry for your loss OP