To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

[Popandcrackle]

My mum passed away very unexpectedly almost four weeks ago. It’s been an incredible shock and I’m still devastated. I posted before about it at the time. I had to leave my partner and daughter for five days to go back home and arrange the funeral. I’m an only child raised by my single mum so I have very few relatives.

At the time my partner phoned his mum and told her what happened, our mums met a few times, mostly when my daughter was a baby and at Dds birthday parties. MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together however MIL can be reclusive and distant at times. MIL is aware how close I am to my mum, we went on holidays regularly etc. MIL asked partner to pass on how sorry she was and that I was part of their family etc.

However she hasn’t reached out to me personally at all, no texts, no asking how we’re doing or even how her grand daughter is. I asked my partner incase she had messaged him and he said he’s had nothing. I just find it so bizarre that she hasn’t asked in four weeks how we are. I’ve had lots of people from mums life contact me to pass on their condolences yet someone who shared a grandchild with has said nothing. I’m aware I’m very sensitive at the moment but it feels disrespectful to my mum and my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

any advice welcome, I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive but I just don’t understand it. I just can’t imagine not reaching out to MIL if she had any bereavement's.

I also expect she might feel awkward as your ‘mother’ in law and may not want to overstep or trigger.
I’d be hurt myself if this happened to me but unless she’s generally just awkward around death I’d assume it’s this. 💐

This is so awful, I couldn't not comment. I'm so sorry your MIL was so terrible to you at such a horrible time. I hope the memories of your step-dad are a comfort x

I lost my mum suddenly in march, I posted something very similar in the bereavement channel not long ago about my MIL.

Nearly 6 months on from my bereavement and you will see kindness and support from the most unexpected places and nothing from those you expect it most from.
I have learnt a HUGE amount recently over how people react to these types of situations. Some people are scared of it happening to them, or don't know what to say, or are scared of upsetting you.
Please don't over react to her silence, however I know very well how you just be feeling (anger, frustrated aside from the whole grief package)
Give it some time and entirely focus on your recovery. Time will give those who want to support you the opportunity to.

I agree with @Nothinglikeagoodbook’s take. OP, your MIL misread the room in this instance, and thought you would not want to hear from her directly now. I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t make any big decisions about cutting off contact when you’re feeling so raw.

So sorry for the unexpected loss of your mum, OP - you must be devastated. I don't understand your MIL's behaviour, especially as she's been so caring beforehand. I would just distance yourself from her/it for now, and let your DH deal with her for a bit.

Sending you love 💐

Thank you for all your condolences and kind words. All of your experiences have made me feel less alone. It’s genuinely been the hardest time of my life. I won’t go no contact, that would be a reactive decision and I wouldn’t want any further negativity to come out of this. I’m just going to focus on myself, trying to navigate this long road ahead of me and my family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to have this in your head on top of everything else.

I do think people assume everyone is like them and will want what they want in difficult situations. So some will send flowers as it would be a great comfort to them, unaware that the recipient hates being surrounded by fading bouquets.

Others will phone, unaware that it's the last thing the person can deal with at the moment and a card or message without need to reply would have been much better.

If your response is the majority response (appreciate a call, want people to stay in touch, find flowers a tangible and welcome sign of how you are loved and your loved one is being remembered), then you're much more likely to get it right. For those of us who have the minority response (just want to withdraw, find having to repond "correctly" to people just checking in exhausting and unhelpful) we have to be more careful not to offend and it's difficult to judge.

I suspect your mil responded as she would have liked to have been treated and didn't mean to hurt you, but it doesn't stop it hurting none the less.

It isn't personal. She is being dumb but I wouldn't take it to heart.

Sorry about your mum OP 💐

Yep, I imagined this scenario too.

There’s no rule book.

Some of us would need space and some would need regular communication.

We all know it’s a fucking tender time and do our best not to poke the wounds in the way we see fit.

Same thing happened to me when my mother died. DM knew, but never alluded it to again, even when she was alone with me a month later. I had to tell DH that it was very hurtful and she made some allusion to it then, but that was it. Some people are just unable to handle the topic of death respectfully, sadly. It is unacceptable, and you will bring up your own children better, but there's nothing you can do about your MIL at this point in her life.

I'm very sorry for your own loss though.

I have made a mistake similar to your MIL. My SIL’s family had very difficult and life altering health diagnosis. If it had been me I know I would have wanted to be left alone as I hate having to deal with people when I am upset, so after an initial message to say I was sorry to hear I gave her space. However she was upset that I wasn’t in touch more, perceiving it as a lack of support. Fortunately someone gave me a nudge, I apologised and now I know she likes messages and visitors etc so I make sure I act accordingly and give her the type of support she needs.

As you get on well generally I’d assume her intentions are good even if the actions aren’t right for you. Perhaps you could ask your husband to give her a nudge and some guidance.

I came on to say exactly this. My friend’s brother killed himself; she used to say how upsetting it was to see people cross the street to avoid her. She knew it was because they didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset her, but found it terribly hurtful nonetheless. I wonder if this is your MIL too?

Similar experience, and had this just a few days ago.

Someone local, who I am sure knows every last detail, stared at us from across the road, then very pointedly looked away as we crossed. It was very obvious. And yes, hurtful.

Please don't do this. A subtle nod or gentle smile of acknowledgement are fine.

As a PP said, real support come from the most unexpected places. I told few people what had happened, and some were useless, I regret saying anything. But a couple of others, an ex and a new work contact, immediately offered to visit me/for me to visit them, and have a walk, coffee, talk or not talk. I was really impressed by their active, generous kindness.

Well, when my mother died, only one person sent a sympathy card and one sent some flowers. It was during COVID, and whilst I was initially angry about it, I realised it was a horrific situation for all, and let it go. When my father died, pretty much the same thing. When I retired, my union gave me a nice sendoff, and two colleagues got me some cards and presents. Most others ignored it. 🙄

People don't think sometimes, and sometimes people don't know what to say or do when someone dies. If your MIL has been lovely otherwise, I would let it go for now. If you seethe with resentment over it, after a while, you are only punishing yourself. If you go NC, you and your children will suffer in the long run. If you are still upset after a few months, talk to her and clear the air. You may find she didn't know what to say, or didn't want to interfere.

For what it is worth, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss, and sending some good thoughts and some virtual flowers to you.🌺🌻🌷

Take care

I initially thought that my MIL was lovely and she was great when I had my first baby. Then my mum died completely unexpectedly when my baby was 4 months' old. My MIL then began to be really horrible to me. It was as though she didn't have any competition and she could be as unkind as she liked with no repercussions as she was the only grandmother my baby had.

For what it's worth OP, your MIL may just be doing what she'd want in the same circumstances.

When my Mum died I found DPs family a bit overwhelming. What I mostly wanted was to be left alone, and while their messages and phone calls were obviously well meaning, I wish they'd just passed them on via DP and left it for me to get in touch when I was ready. If felt the same about work mates etc getting in touch. The only people I really was comfortable speaking to at that time was DP, my brother, and one or two really close friends.

So your MILs response would have been perfect for me, but not for you. I imagine if you question your husband about it, she's probably asking after you frequently.

I would give her benefit of the doubt, she passed on love via your DP and I suspect is of belief to give you space and that you’re close enough that you’d reach out to her. Perhaps there is also something of it flagging her own mortality that makes her uncomfortable. But I don’t think she’s done anything that suggests wilfully mean.

I think that sums it up. I'm very aware that my response to grief and loss isn't everyone's. So I massively overthink how to respond to other people's losses. And then still get it wrong, I suspect.

OP, of you withdraw as you plan, this will only get worse. It won't help your grief. Negotiating this long path, you need people beside you. And given how thoughtful your MIL has been in the past, there's no reason to think that she won't ultimately be a positive companion.

Communication is key when people have accidentally got it wrong @Popandcrackle . So get your DH to pass along the message that you'd like to hear from her, and that you need some support. Have something positive come out of this, and don't add more negativity into your life.

I’m afraid I don’t agree that phone calls after a bereavement are never unwelcome. I hated them. I didn’t want to talk to people saying the same things over and over again and expecting me to tell them details I didn’t want to talk about. I wanted to be able to mourn on my own terms, in my own way, not theirs. I felt some people were phoning because they were thinking about what would make them feel better, not about whether they were sure I would welcome the calls.

I much preferred it when people sent sympathy cards, most of which I didn’t feel the need to respond to. We're all different.

Doesn't sound like she cares very much. My mum has become a bit like this as she's become elderly. She's 80 now and doesn't care about anything or anyone except herself. I'm not saying that's how it is for all old people - obviously not! But it could be the case.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

How appalling. I would've kicked her out straightaway.

Oh OP I am so sorry, you must be feeling so adrift right now 💐

I lost a little boy at 13 days old and got blanked, shunned and ghosted by countless friends and acquaintances. People don’t know how to deal with death, so they ignore it, and you by default. All about her and not you I promise. But I know that’s not what you need when a few comforting words and a little care goes a long way - hugs

Maybe reach our and tell her? She might think she's giving you space to grieve or be unsure what to say.

You might need to tell her what you need

Totally recognise and appreciate your unmet expectations OP and I am very sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling during lockdown and my MIL similarly went completely NC - it was cruel, weird and completely unsupportive with a large dose of ‘my grief taking centre stage from her’ through that time. I called it out and asked why not so much as a card, a phonecall, flowers - nada. No acknowledgement whatsoever. All I got was hysteria - how dare I call her out-I was clearly mad - ‘you lot’ are obsessed with grief. ( This was the sudden and tragic death of a young parent of two children). I found the whole thing so upsetting and downright disappointing - shocking actually. I have gone full no contact now and it doesn’t bother me. I get that some people just don’t know how to ‘be’ around death. And that’s fine if you are a teenager who hasn’t perhaps experienced it previously or know how to activate your empathy. It’s not okay for a mother and grandmother to behave like this.

losing your mum is so hard. grief is exhausting and your emotions can make you get the situation seem worse than it is. that will go for everything. even petty things like someone queue jumping.
if you can message her saying sorry not been in touch feeling so sad and overwhelmed at moment hopefully that might get her to respond. i’m sure it’s just awkwardness. i’m mean it’s just so difficult knowing what to say with bereavements big hugs