To not understand why MIL hasn’t reached out?

[Popandcrackle]

My mum passed away very unexpectedly almost four weeks ago. It’s been an incredible shock and I’m still devastated. I posted before about it at the time. I had to leave my partner and daughter for five days to go back home and arrange the funeral. I’m an only child raised by my single mum so I have very few relatives.

At the time my partner phoned his mum and told her what happened, our mums met a few times, mostly when my daughter was a baby and at Dds birthday parties. MIL and I get on pretty well, she’s had Dd for two days a week since she was one until she went to school at four. We have a group WhatsApp which we use to share pics and general chat. We’ve had dinners together however MIL can be reclusive and distant at times. MIL is aware how close I am to my mum, we went on holidays regularly etc. MIL asked partner to pass on how sorry she was and that I was part of their family etc.

However she hasn’t reached out to me personally at all, no texts, no asking how we’re doing or even how her grand daughter is. I asked my partner incase she had messaged him and he said he’s had nothing. I just find it so bizarre that she hasn’t asked in four weeks how we are. I’ve had lots of people from mums life contact me to pass on their condolences yet someone who shared a grandchild with has said nothing. I’m aware I’m very sensitive at the moment but it feels disrespectful to my mum and my gut reaction is to just never speak to her again and let my partner organise anything with Dd. However, she’s just lost one grandparent, I don’t want her to have any barriers to her relationship with her other.

any advice welcome, I know I’m feeling particularly sensitive but I just don’t understand it. I just can’t imagine not reaching out to MIL if she had any bereavement's.

I agree with this.

I think at a time of bereavement it’s important to support the bereaved outside of your own feelings of awkwardness or “not being able” to deal with it. It’s not about MIL, it’s about you.

Id not be able to teach out either. In a similar scenario, my DH asked directly why they hadn’t been in contact and maybe a check in would be the nice thing to do. Which they did. It was the best I was going to get but it did mean something. YANBU and I’m sorry for you loss x

My brother dried suddenly and tragically in his thirties, I had been with my husband around 12 years at that point, neither of my sisters in law got in touch or sent a card. They had met him, but even if they hadn’t this is a member of their brothers close family, uncle to their nieces and nephews…how could they not reach out. A text or if you don’t feel confident enough just a card to say thinking of you…it costs so little. I was so hurt and felt like it really showed how much they thought (or didn’t think) of me. We are civil but I will never forget their lack of empathy to a young family in a tragic situation.

It's not ideal at all but like others have suggested it's probably because she's awkward and doesn't know what to say.
I live in the UK but I have family in Turkey and in laws in Portugal and find those countries are much approachable regarding death. The people in the UK are SUPER awkward about it where it's so cringe.
If I were you I'd speak to her about it though at some point or else you'll hold on to that resentment for a looooooong time.

I've been through grief too many times and this always happens
So often the people closest go into hiding until they feel you're out of the trenches.
And the ones you thought were acquaintances go above and beyond.
Every time

I can see this from both sides.

Yes you are feeling very sensitive and raw right now, rightfully so. Its been four years since I lost my Mum and still around the anniversary I fall back into that prickly tearful state.
Allow yourself to grieve, don't jump to conclusions about your MIL. The dynamics are complicated,

Yes your MIL could have reached out to you. BUT perhaps she is acutely aware of how close you and your dm were and is mindful of intruding to much / being seen as stepping on toes etc.

My MIL still gets very quiet around me over those few days every year. And we are very close. She just doesn't know "the right thing" to say so perhaps wisely chooses to say little.
Maybe you could ask dh to pass on your thanks and to suggest she reach out, that you would like her to.

Give yourself time and space to process your emotions. Gentle hugs and beyond sorry for your loss.

This. I think she is purposely not trying to overstep and step into surrogate mother, only grandmother left role. I am very sorry for your loss but I do think this feeling is to do with your current feelings of loss and sadness... she has reached out to you via DH after all

Exactly this

Could it be that she doesn't know what to say or doesn't want to say anything in case she unintentionally upsets you. I never know what to say to someone who has lost someone close & usually offer a huge hug.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I reached out to my daughter-in-law and her mother when her grandmother died. I sent sympathy cards to her mother because I didn't know her well and she was long distance. I called and spoke to my daughter-in-law.

They both told my son that I overstepped bounds by offering condolences. So I'm not sure what advice to offer you.

@Almostneverunreasonable

what? Where did you get all this from? Did you read her OP? I’m so sorry for your loss OP

Exactly this!! No idea how this interpretation was reached

Gosh! Obviously some very mixed up feelings from your DIL's family. I wonder whether your son agreed that you'd 'overstepped the mark'? It's a minefield sometimes being a MIL x

My mum has always said about giving people privacy and space. I’ve always argued that people grieving need everyone more than ever. We will never see eye to eye on it

Neither of you is wrong. Or maybe both of you are. There's no one answer, as every grieving person is different. You both need to be flexible in your thinking and your responses.