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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed when people bring their children to adult-only events?

127 replies

ThatTwinklyFinch · 22/09/2024 09:24

I’ve attended several adult-only events where some guests have brought their children along, despite clear instructions that the event was for adults only. I find it disruptive and inconsiderate to those who expected a child-free environment. AIBU to feel frustrated and expect people to adhere to event guidelines?

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 22/09/2024 15:57

“A friend was going to bring her toddler child to our girls night out because none of us had seen the child in a while so she thought it would be nice for us.” 😂

I have friend like this. She’s very nice but it’s a fucking bore. During Covid we had a few remote meet-ups and another friend’s nine year old was stood next to her as we all logged in, a bit of a surprise but she mercifully replied to a couple of polite questions and moved off. Before she did though this other friend interjected with “Oh! You’ve got Juliet there! I should get (7 year old) Mabel!” Please no! Fortunately Mabel was otherwise engaged on this occasion but why do they think this a good idea? Most children aren’t great on calls full stop so its awkward as people dutifully ask a few banal questions. Meanwhile nobody asks our beloved mate how her most recent chemo is going because obviously we have to hear Child heavy breathe her way through replying to how school is and we can’t really talk about Laura’s cancer with Child there… So eight 40+ year old women busy with their own children, aging parents and jobs have cleared an hour to get together and chat because they care about each other but have to engage in superficial chat with a child and deal with frequent distraction and self censorship when chat does move on. It ruins it.

I do care about my friends children, a bit, and will ask about them and want them to be happy, well and successful but their presence on adult centred occasions is a PITA. I can very much enjoy their company on other occasions, when visiting their family or hosting them at ours.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 22/09/2024 15:57

What sort of events?

Ones with paid for tickets? Very annoying but also the venue should be more proactive with it. Why are they allowing children in?

Invite-only private events like weddings? Equally annoying, and relying on people not wanting to make things awkward by saying something.

meiehwa · 22/09/2024 15:58

HowManyDaysUntillXmas · 22/09/2024 15:55

Meerkat9
Nope. Your choice to have kids, your responsibility

No one said they were your responsibility 😂🤦‍♀️ I don’t think we’d be friends.

My thoughts exactly @Flossyts some pretty unkind, intolerant people on this thread. Who probably then complain that their friends who have kids don't see them anymore 🙄

Ok so you want you child free friends to see you at soft play where your child needs constant interaction, potentially leaving your friend sat at the table alone because your kid wants mummy to go down the slide x10. Every 10 mins needing a wee, a drink, some crisps etc.

Do you ask your friend anything about their life or do you just expect them to sit in the soft play cafe looking adoringly at your absolutely perfect child and then leave after an hour?

Because that's the reality for a lot of child free people.

Rerrin · 22/09/2024 16:16

LouH5 · 22/09/2024 15:15

I find this very irritating also.

Every Easter weekend (not Easter Sunday as that has more “family time” vibes, usually Good Friday) I host an Easter get together with the girls- there’s 6 of us. We all bring a dish and I decorate the house with Easter themed bits, we do a quiz and it’s generally just a nice event. I’ve hosted it for about 8 years.
However two years ago, by this point two of the girls had babies and they brought them along. They were a few months old and just sort of sat asleep so it was no major deal. But then this year, those babies had (obviously!) turned into toddlers. And they brought them. And a third girl had since had a baby who was around 8months. And it was just chaotic. My house is not toddler proof and these two toddlers were just all over the place and their mums were just constantly running after them. We couldn’t get through the quiz I’d made because well, there were two toddlers there. We couldn’t do any board games like we usually do at this event. The whole event just became centred around the three kids. The three mums all left early and the three of us remaining child free girls agreed that the event jusy wasn’t the same, and we all felt quite disappointed by it. I was niggled as the mums hadn’t even asked if they could bring their toddlers. Just assumed they could, and it just didn’t work. I know Easter is months away but I’m already stressing over what I’ll do, as I don’t want to do it again and it be like that, but I know they’ll be put out if I explicitly say their ch can’t come, as it’s an “At home” event, they just think it makes sense for their toddlers to come, and they can’t see how it, for lack of better word, ruins it for the rest of us.

It comes down to whether you want to see your friends more than you don’t like accommodating their offspring, I suppose. If you say ‘Absolutely no children’ on the invitation, it will rule out anyone who is still breastfeeding, and anyone who can’t get someone else to look after their child, so the event won’t be the same, anyway, if only the childfree attend.

Realistically, annual events like these change over the years anyway, as people’s needs change — not just whether they’re parents or not.

I go to an arts festival a long drive and a ferry ride away annually, car-sharing with friends, and have for a decade or so. Which ferry we get there and back, and whether we stay over has fluctuated down the years, depending on who has no childcare, who brings a child or children with them, who has some childcare but need to get back by a certain time, who has an ailing dog, who has other caring responsibilities etc.

But, however mildly frustrating some of these restrictions/interruptions etc have been at times, I don’t think anyone wants to say ‘Look, don’t come at all unless you can leave your children with someone else for an open-ended period, because you’re wrecking the vibe if we have to get the 4.30 ferry home because you’re on the clock or little Irma bawls at a poetry reading and has to be taken out’. We’re all friends because we fundamentally like one another, and are prepared to be flexible according to one another’s needs at a particular time. I’m fairly sure we’ll all still be friends when all the children have left home.

LightDrizzle · 22/09/2024 16:19

I was going to name change to share an awful but outing example of this that I just remembered but it’s not allowed once you’ve commented.

The broadest of outlines is a woman tipped up to a themed party at a house with a start time of 9.30 with her two very young children, then about half an hour in dramatically announced she was going home because it wasn’t child appropriate and instead of quietly trotting off, interrupted a planned activity taking place while she went around all the guests saying goodbye; she was going because it really wasn’t appropriate for Miles and Hugo. Miles and Hugo weren’t invited. It would have been clear from the invite and start time that this was not a family party. It was similar to a Hen event but not that and nothing lewd or illegal took place. People were drinking and probably swearing etc. My husband still rages about her behaviour occasionally 😂

ObelixtheGaul · 22/09/2024 16:19

The worst one I heard was somebody wanting to bring their 10 year old to a hen do, then throwing an almighty strop when the bride said, 'well, no, because it's at an over 18s cocktail bar'.

I do understand it is hard to feel left out. But occasionally adults, even the most devoted parents, do want to do 'adult' things.

LouH5 · 22/09/2024 16:30

Rerrin · 22/09/2024 16:16

It comes down to whether you want to see your friends more than you don’t like accommodating their offspring, I suppose. If you say ‘Absolutely no children’ on the invitation, it will rule out anyone who is still breastfeeding, and anyone who can’t get someone else to look after their child, so the event won’t be the same, anyway, if only the childfree attend.

Realistically, annual events like these change over the years anyway, as people’s needs change — not just whether they’re parents or not.

I go to an arts festival a long drive and a ferry ride away annually, car-sharing with friends, and have for a decade or so. Which ferry we get there and back, and whether we stay over has fluctuated down the years, depending on who has no childcare, who brings a child or children with them, who has some childcare but need to get back by a certain time, who has an ailing dog, who has other caring responsibilities etc.

But, however mildly frustrating some of these restrictions/interruptions etc have been at times, I don’t think anyone wants to say ‘Look, don’t come at all unless you can leave your children with someone else for an open-ended period, because you’re wrecking the vibe if we have to get the 4.30 ferry home because you’re on the clock or little Irma bawls at a poetry reading and has to be taken out’. We’re all friends because we fundamentally like one another, and are prepared to be flexible according to one another’s needs at a particular time. I’m fairly sure we’ll all still be friends when all the children have left home.

This is just it, it’s why I’m reluctant to say “absolutely no children” as babies are fine especially if mums are breastfeeding etc, it’s the toddler stage that’s just not ideal at this event.

I see them plenty of times through the year, ch sometimes (but not always, we do also have plenty of child free events like cinema, theatre, cocktail nights etc) come to Sunday lunches, girls coffee dates, walks etc, and have done a fair bit of babysitting for them, so generally very understanding and accommodating but this one event, it would be fantastic if they could leave their ch with their husbands!

MrSeptember · 22/09/2024 16:31

YANBU and it irritates me a lot.

However, I'm now just a little cautious before taking a blanket, "this person is a CF" approach because I've come to realise that sometimes, the person bringing the child has no choice and there's something else going on.

In particular, I know two women who are married and have often brought children to things inappropriately... but on a bit of digging, it's become clear their husbands are complete wankers and have let them down or made them so miserable it's easier to take the DC than leave them behind.

mondaytosunday · 22/09/2024 16:39

@mitogoshigg I had a child free wedding. If I included kids - well that's 25 of my friends that couldn't come. That's 30-40 adults who are now preoccupied with their kids and thinking they need to leave after the dinner and before the dancing.
And after my DH passed away when my kids were 4 and 6 I loved the chance to go out without them - my parents lived in another country so no help there. But I easily arranged for meet ups at mine after kids were in bed, meet ups during the day when they were at nursery/school/play date. And whoa - how about paying a babysitter?!

Rerrin · 22/09/2024 16:50

LouH5 · 22/09/2024 16:30

This is just it, it’s why I’m reluctant to say “absolutely no children” as babies are fine especially if mums are breastfeeding etc, it’s the toddler stage that’s just not ideal at this event.

I see them plenty of times through the year, ch sometimes (but not always, we do also have plenty of child free events like cinema, theatre, cocktail nights etc) come to Sunday lunches, girls coffee dates, walks etc, and have done a fair bit of babysitting for them, so generally very understanding and accommodating but this one event, it would be fantastic if they could leave their ch with their husbands!

Then if they all have available peoole to babysit, you should feel no compunction in saying ‘Can we make this adults-only this year? I’m dying for the board games/strip poker/ whatever of yesteryear…’

Nospecialcharactersplease · 22/09/2024 16:56

Workhardcryharder · 22/09/2024 15:23

Sometimes it isn’t clear what it “adult only” though. I assume if someone invited me to lunch on a Tuesday they will know I have my child with me, as I always do. I’d not even think twice not to bring them and I’d be pretty shocked to later find out they felt like I’d forced my child upon them when they expected only me.

My friend however would never take her child out for coffee to meet a friend as she finds it too stressful. Different expectations for different people.

Doesn’t mean it’s an “adult only” event just because one person assumes so right? Unless expressed outright though I guess

Surely context is everything here?

Would you like to go for cocktails and then see the vagina monologues at the theatre = adult only.

Would you like to go for a mid afternoon coffee at Starbucks and then feed the ducks = bring the kids.

I’m really struggling with my divorce and need to vent, can we meet for a chat = adult only.

Kids are climbing the walls, shall we go to McDonald’s = bring the kids.

If it doubt, ask. If your life truly doesn’t accommodate child free activities, say. Equally, if you have a friend that thinks her child is everyone’s blessing and you’re Mary Poppins, explain you’re more Cruella.

80smonster · 22/09/2024 16:59

Leavenomessage · 22/09/2024 15:07

I absolutely cannot wait for a ‘AIBU to think my friend shouldn’t have brought her labradoodle to my hen party’ thread. Someone please tag me when it happens! I will also accept a pug at a baby shower thread as a consolation prize.

You and me both. Tag me if you see one!

Cluelessasacucumber · 22/09/2024 16:59

I contribute to an events programme as part of my job (think heritage centre type stuff). We have LOTS of family events but also a number of adult only or 14+ events.
Without fail we'll get the "my home schooled 11 year old is very mature can I bring him to this event even though it says adult only?". And that's the ones that bother asking.
It is MADDENING. It doesn't matter if your kid is "mature" or that the event doesn't involve alcohol or whatever, the age restriction is there for a reason. People book on and pay expecting to be the company of adults and instead have to sit through your kid blithering on about their history project, it's utterly selfish.

Tiredmamma357 · 22/09/2024 17:01

@LouH5 If none are single parents and not breastfeeding/young babies I think you can reliability say no kids as their dads should be able to look after them. I'd set it now and say ladies as no one has a young baby this year (assuming no one is pregnant) shall we book in this year good Friday event now so that people can block out the date and their husbands in to look after the kids. My DH does shifts so I often have to say no to certain events as he has work and I have children. But that's my problem and not anyone else's. I wouldn't expect to bring my kids along to stuff that is clearly aimed for adults. Sometimes people have offered and said oh bring child with you then we are fine with that (e.g. chilled out evening at their house) but things that are clearly aimed at getting some adult time I just have to say no e..g someone picked a specific date to go out for their bday, thankfully I have wonderful friends and we plan dates where my DH is not working so I can come but it does involve someone saying can we organise a girls night out no kids. We then have that convo. So if all your friends children have dad's. Then you can definitely say let's organise a child free night!

80smonster · 22/09/2024 17:05

TwistedWonder · 22/09/2024 15:09

I agree. We had a walking group during Covid restrictions and made it clear it was for adult humans only. And yet despite us telling several people no this wasn’t a dog friendly group we still had people turn up with their pooch and get stroppy when we said this wasn’t the right group for them

Edited

Hmmmmm… if an event is set in a park, I’d probably feel that a dog was ok to bring, same for kids. Outdoor stuff doesn’t feel very adult only to me.

Hangingintherejust · 22/09/2024 17:09

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/09/2024 13:21

Why can't people find babysitters? What has happened in the last 20 years??

It used to be so utterly common to have several neighborhood teens or adults on tap to hire when one wanted or needed to go out. It was normal parenting.

Or swap child sitting with neighbours. I watch yours while you go to pub, you watch mine while I attend party, etc.

I guess there's a few things here. I'm just not prepared to leave my DC with someone I or they don't know. Just because it happened 20 years ago, doesn't mean it suits people now. We used to use the nursery staff when DC were younger but then they all started their own families and stopped babysitting.We could only do this occasionally because adding the cost of babysitters into a night out makes an expensive night.
We have friends we have asked and we've looked for opportunities to repay the favour but they all have family nearby and so say there's nothing they really need. So once, maybe twice for special occasions is ok but certainly not regularly.

Putting · 22/09/2024 17:11

80smonster · 22/09/2024 17:05

Hmmmmm… if an event is set in a park, I’d probably feel that a dog was ok to bring, same for kids. Outdoor stuff doesn’t feel very adult only to me.

Surely that depends on what the group organiser has said, though. If they’ve made it clear that it’s not for children or dogs then people wanting to attend should respect that.

Just because something happens to be outside doesn’t automatically make it child or dog friendly.

greencheetah · 22/09/2024 17:14

very annoying. I would also blame the event organisers for not refusing the child entry though.

TwistedWonder · 22/09/2024 17:15

Putting · 22/09/2024 17:11

Surely that depends on what the group organiser has said, though. If they’ve made it clear that it’s not for children or dogs then people wanting to attend should respect that.

Just because something happens to be outside doesn’t automatically make it child or dog friendly.

100% - it was an organised small group and the main reason we set it up as adult and pet free was because another local walking group allowed dogs and we were the ones who wanted it to be an adult only walk and chat.

Anyone asking to bring dogs, we pointed them to the other group so they were aware there was a group more suitable for then I same area.

LouH5 · 22/09/2024 17:20

Rerrin · 22/09/2024 16:50

Then if they all have available peoole to babysit, you should feel no compunction in saying ‘Can we make this adults-only this year? I’m dying for the board games/strip poker/ whatever of yesteryear…’

Thank you so much for this- you’re definitely right, and I think the way you’ve worded that is perfect. I think I have a fear of upsetting the Apple cart but there is literally no reason the ch can’t stay with husbands!

TwistedWonder · 22/09/2024 17:22

80smonster · 22/09/2024 17:05

Hmmmmm… if an event is set in a park, I’d probably feel that a dog was ok to bring, same for kids. Outdoor stuff doesn’t feel very adult only to me.

When the group was set up specifically for adults and advertised as such pointing people who wanted a dog friendly group towards another walking group in same area where dogs are very welcome then I don't think it’s unreasonable to tell people pets and children aren’t what the group is about

meiehwa · 22/09/2024 17:24

this poster seems to think that everyone in her hair salon should just accept the fact she has to bring her children with her to have her hair cut.

To bring my kids to my hairdresser appointment http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5171183-to-bring-my-kids-to-my-hairdresser-appointment

Ormally · 22/09/2024 17:26

Every Easter weekend (not Easter Sunday as that has more “family time” vibes, usually Good Friday) I host an Easter get together with the girls

If you don't have family who will babysit, then you find a babysitter. Great - and inevitably, you have to find a babysitter who the child(ren) will trust and get on with. It might add £50, £60 to your evening - ok, but just to say, not something I can cover all that often. If you have 2 or 3 of these great babysitter options locally, then you may be doing well.
However - Saturdays they'll be quite in demand. Holidays when they may also have other jobs well in advance, not be at university or college like they are when you have used them before, or very often, won't be working at all because of their personal plans - like times around Christmas, New Year, and bank holidays - that's even more difficult to sort out childcare. Looking back over years, all my options fell through quite regularly at these times. So there are several layers that would make your friendly get-together pretty unlikely, because I would be looking at X years when it would be hard to be sure of cover for childcare.

IsitaHatOrACat · 22/09/2024 17:30

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/09/2024 13:21

Why can't people find babysitters? What has happened in the last 20 years??

It used to be so utterly common to have several neighborhood teens or adults on tap to hire when one wanted or needed to go out. It was normal parenting.

Or swap child sitting with neighbours. I watch yours while you go to pub, you watch mine while I attend party, etc.

Do you babysit for your neighbours children?

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