To feel annoyed when people bring their children to adult-only events?

[ThatTwinklyFinch]

I’ve attended several adult-only events where some guests have brought their children along, despite clear instructions that the event was for adults only. I find it disruptive and inconsiderate to those who expected a child-free environment. AIBU to feel frustrated and expect people to adhere to event guidelines?

YANBU - it changes the dynamic of an event if children are present, and inevitably the children will want attention which at the very least will limit their parent's participation and possibly disrupt others.

Also, depending on the event and attendees, the need to keep conversation 'child-friendly' - no swearing etc. might be a constraint.

Bringing any uninvited guest, before checking with the host, is rude.

I once went to an ‘alternative cabaret’ type of over 18 event in an old fashioned working men’s club. There were various acts, all great, apart from one comic. He had brought his toddler child along. The toddler was roaming all over the place whilst other acts were performing, and when the father went on to perform, the toddler had no one to watch them! He was all over the place, even had a go at playing the drum kit on the back of the stage! It was absolutely awful. What made it even worse was that his dad’s jokes were extremely edgy, lots of swearing and sexual references. When the band came on, the toddler was crawling right next to the speakers. Grim!

Really annoying.

A friend was going to bring her toddler child to our girls night out because none of us had seen the child in a while so she thought it would be nice for us.
Granted our girls night is only in a local pub for food and a glass of wine, everyone home by 10 at the latest.
One of the group gently explained that we all have kids and the main purpose of the get together is to be free of our children for one evening.
She genuinely couldn’t get why it was a bad idea and had to be talked out of it.

Not unreasonable at all. There are loads of family friendly activities/events. The clue is in the title: adult-only

I had a friend who would, without fail, arrive with her very young son - it had been going on since he was a baby. Every event, there he was. Girl's lunch dates, parties, you name it. And it wasn't like she couldn't arrange childcare either. Lovely kid but it was a total damper and she just didn't get it, so we all stopped making arrangements with her.

YANBU.

It could be worse but I still haven’t got over seeing a 3 or 4 year old girl dressed as Belle sitting with her parents during a stage production of The Rocky Horror Show.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon your friend thinking seeing her DC would be lovely for you all is part of the problem. It's great she enjoys her DC so much but some DP forget their DC are special to them, not to everyone else. A friend tried to bring her 12 yo DD to an adult outing saying she was nearly grown up

Yes, but as pps have given examples of, sometimes there isn’t a ‘host’, exactly (pub gathering or something) and someone thinks ‘They’ll adore seeing little X dressed as a pumpkin!’ or ‘The more the merrier!’ and brings a friend no one else has ever met. Or three.

YANBU. I've been to two events recently where the same lady has dragged her 5yo DD along. One was a drinks party at a members club. One was an evening meet up-mixer at a pub. Child sat with an ipad and headphones both times... until she got bored.

It was ok the first time at the club, as she was in a good mood, it was school holidays so she probably wasn't too tired, the host and a couple of others who knew her made a fuss of her to involve her and there was space for her to roam a bit amongst the party without bothering other non-party members. She clearly didn't want to be in the pub though. I think she'd already had a day at school and only one other person paying her attention, brought back to her seat if she moved, harder to get Mums attention. Fractious/answering back and yelled at an adult who sat down well away from her at the far end of her bench seat for 2 min as they needed to adjust something. Mum told her not to be mean but didn't actually tell her off. Or put her first and go home. Mum said they'd go home if she wanted but it was clear Mum didn't want to leave iyswim. It honestly spoilt the atmosphere for everyone else though.

The mum is a single mum (no df contact involvement) and I appreciate it's a tough situation for her but I don't think she's considering anyone but herself in this arrangement. I've only come across them twice but they seem quite practiced at this, it's obviously quite frequent. Even if not on school nights, it's a long evening for the Dd, she still gets tired and I suspect people will only tolerate it so often.

YANBU. I once went to a lecture on Byzantine history and a woman had bought a baby to the event. The baby screamed all the way through and the woman didn’t take the baby out. When asked why she had brought the baby she replied that it was the only way she could come.

No - drives me up the wall as I have 3 kids and very little opportunity to be without them!

BUT I hope childless friends also make efforts to meet those friends with their kids that don’t have a big support network. Parenting can be very lonely.

YANBU so long as no-one passes comment at parents not joining because they have no childcare.
One of our friendship groups, who all have kids of the same age, regularly has adult only nights out (for both parents rather than just a mum's/dad's night). We are the only ones in the group who don't have family on hand to babysit and so either one of us goes or neither of us go apart from a couple of times a year, where we manage to make arrangements for the kids. We never take or ask to take our DC and have no problem with the fact we miss out. But we always get the comments about how we rarely both go out with them or asked why we can't get a babysitter (never mind the £50 extra that would cost us) etc. 10 years since having DC and we are still explaining ourselves to the point we are quietly stepping out of the group.

Nope. Your choice to have kids, your responsibility

YANBU

If I've managed to arrange childcare for mine (as close to a miracle as I've ever seen) I don't want to see any children.

I was on a spa day once and a man had treated his partner to s spa day but booked for the entire family so the kids wouldn't miss her. A sauna isn't quite as relaxing when there is a kid opening and closing the door to giggle at the steam.

You chose to have children, you must realise not everyone wants to be involved with children

I think the opposite, I think it's rude for people to assume others can conjure up childcare. If meeting a friend for lunch who has a child, what do you expect them to do with that child? Hardest for single parents of course but even with involved dads they may have commitments. Child free weddings annoy me the most of all. I'm getting married and all those with children are most welcome to bring them, our venue is laying on a kids menu too.

Just because your mother lives locally and will babysit doesn't mean others have that arrangement

I can believe it. I went to see Billie Piper in a play years ago. She was in Dr. Who at the time and a huge star. The play was quite gritty and included domestic violence from the actor playing her partner (Laurence Fox as it happens). This was definitely not a play for children yet there were a few little girls in the audience in party dresses, there to see Rose from Dr. Who. I couldn't believe their parents would be so stupid.

No one said they were your responsibility 😂🤦‍♀️ I don’t think we’d be friends.

I don’t think you’d be asked to babysit. But bobbing around for a brew with your mate instead of being insistent on a night out would go a long way.

It makes me sad how little some people would be prepared to do for another.

I think my post was unclear….

It drives me up the wall when people bring their children to a childless event.

i think my post was unclear…. It drives me up the wall when people bring children to a clearly child free event. (When I’ve made such an effort to get rid of mine!)

But it’s important to check in with friends that can’t get childcare and do something else with them instead

You think it’s rude to invite someone for lunch without their child? I expect them to leave the child with their father (and would agree a time he didn’t have commitments), find a babysitter, swap play dates with a friend, agree to meet at their house once little Timmy is asleep, decline or at very least ask if they can bring little Timmy rather than just showing up with him. Beyond the babe in arms stage bringing a child to lunch completely changes it and if I wanted to have banal child safe chat with Peppa pig in the background and interruptions every thirty seconds I’d have met at soft play with my kids along too.

Neither of my parents or in-laws live locally and my oldest is disabled, so as you can imagine I’m not swamped with babysitting offers. Nonetheless I don’t expect to bring my kids to every event or expect everyone else to constantly accommodate them.

Why can't people find babysitters? What has happened in the last 20 years??

It used to be so utterly common to have several neighborhood teens or adults on tap to hire when one wanted or needed to go out. It was normal parenting.

Or swap child sitting with neighbours. I watch yours while you go to pub, you watch mine while I attend party, etc.

That's an entirely different situation to the one described in the OP.

The OP is about adult only events not about "meeting a friend for lunch" - one to one occasions or even with a group of friends you surely have the "I'll have to bring DC with me or not come" convo before the meet up, no?

And if the answer is no DCs then you respect that.