Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

The key is how you raise the kids, we never had any 'who disciplines who' problems in our blended family

If your DH hadn't been injured (a scratch really hurts) the whole thing may not have blown up.

Yes, an adult man with two step daughters and a child of his own, should have no emotional regulation or self control.

I've been hit, scratched and had my hair pulled out by a toddler (many of us have been, it's hardly uncommon behaviour during development) ..... I didn't lose my temper, swear, raise my voice and push other children because of it.

Not physically abuse one of them would be a good start

And now you’re minimising…

Yet more minimising…

You said ‘he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see)’

So your toddler is trying to learn how to regulate herself with no help from the adults who are laughing at her and then shouting at the older kids who are also laughing?

Honestly OP remove your head from your arse. Stop laughing with DH and start working with toddler. Either soothe until she calms (arms clamped around her in a supportive hug, it suppresses the nervous system when it spirals) or remove her from the room until she calms.

You're not helping anyone but DH sounds like he's at the end of his tether with two preteens, a toddler with no help to regulate and a wife who doesn't seem to be any help.

Your older girls are copying you and your husband so it’s very unreasonable to tell them off for something that you’re doing yourself . I have no idea why you would laugh- would you accept a stranger laughing if dd3 had a tantrum in public ? I understand that the kids watching and gawping won’t be helping calm things down but dh as the adult should be able to handle things better.

Swearing isn’t ok but everybody in the family needs to examine their reaction to tantrums. 3 year olds tantrum because they don’t have the self control to say what they aren’t happy with or are too tired/thirsty/hungry to know what they are unhappy with. Hopefully in a couple of years she will be able to articulate what is wrong rather than respond with the age appropriate emotional reaction of a tantrum.

In addition to above I think he has to say I am sorry I touched you to the daughter and that he will never do it again.

I think you should also have a separate conversation about where you lie on physical discipline of your child I.e. smacking. Your baby will become a boisterous teen.

Maybe parenting books or classes together.

Going forward showing Kindness and respect to each other.

But you all laughed and you’re allowing your husband to punish your daughters for laughing because he can’t punish his own daughter but feels able to push and shout at hours.

None so blind…

Yes, let’s blame a 2 year old girl for a grown man not able to control his temper 🙄

It'll get blown out if proportion on here OP. Your husband should work on strategies to stay calm in the future, ie take deep breath, leave the room for 5. But honestly your daughters need to do what they are told. Either sit down and stay quiet or if they can't stop themselves laughing they go to their room. It's not as simple as you laughed, they laughed, he lost it. Yes you were all laughing (which as you now but now I'm sure isn't great strategy for dealing with a tantrum) but the girls were then told to go to their rooms, they didn't stop or do what they were told. Sound like all the children need stronger discipline from you and you need to work as a team.

Yeah.

Ushering does not usually involve contact.
It also very strongly implies calm, polite, and neutral.

It's been very enlightening and disturbing to see the initial situation described .... changed into "ushering" and "directing" by a certain few posters and the op.

It'll get blown out if proportion on here OP

Funny to see so many minimising and twisting posts on here, if that's the case.

He is their step dad, and as such there will be times that he has to administer discipline. He didn't hit them. It's a fraught situation all round, and it's not surprising that tempers were lost. As for the tantrums, stop enabling them. Just ignore it. Walk away. My niece had horrific tantrums and her parents bent over backwards to accommodate her. My mum wouldn't have a bar of it, and guess what, one look from my Mum and my niece stopped.

I think this is a non-event, OP. You were both at the end of your tether with the toddler and when she scratched DH's face, he understandably lost it when the older children laughed at this. If swearing is a big thing for you, then ask DH to give a simple apology. But the girls need to be reminded they are old enough to do as they're told and not enflame an already tricky situation.

In terms of the toddler...this too shall pass! But maybe not for a few years, so perhaps you should take it in turns to do the bedtime bath routine, rather than both being cross and tired out every night? You say it's particularly bad when toddler is tired - is there any way of reducing what she does during the day (like not too many outings or too much sensory overload)? Is the routine and timeline the same every night?

Don't be ridiculous of course I'm not blaming a child. It's a fact that untrimmed nails scratch and that a scratch will hurt 🙄

It's all wrong. Everyone laughing at the toddler having a tantrum, your older child being pushed. It sounds chaotic

Ah come in the baby scratched him
and that upset him. Probably brought him to his senses that it wasn’t a situation to be laughed at and took it out on the girls.

To be helpful, empathetic and accommodating older siblings?

No it’s the fact that a grown man shouldn’t push around children and also not shout at them
for doing something he did as well.

It’s nothing to do with the size of a 2yo’s fingernails.

This ^

He didn't hit them

That's a fairly low bar.

And pushing comes under the umbrella of violence, as you will see on any DV website or help resource.

But of course he didn't "push", even though he was initially said to have pushed; he just "ushered" and "directed" (while extremely angry following his young child's tantrum and being scraped deeply).

Laughter is a natural response to nerves. I think you need a proper relaxed conversation with your older daughters. Their behaviour is suggestive of a stress response to the toddler's tantrums. They may not be behaving perfectly because they are scared of the tantrums and if that is the case then you also need to do far more to support them in this situation too. You are going to have to divide and conquer, you can't both focus on the toddler while ignoring your other children's fears.

I suggest that you look up common assault, also the op has been back peddling from her original statement since she got push back on it so I'm not giving her minimisation any credence.

@Unknown987

theres no way I'd live with kids I 'wasn't allowed' to tell off. He was louder than usual but not properly shouting & he had his hand on her shoulder- so what???

I would have been annoyed at them because they've previously been told not to as it makes the situation worse, but you weren't setting a good example!!

I think you both should sit down with the older two and say, it all got a bit much last night. Say you're looking at how to get the tantrums sorted out, but until you do they can help by going to another room and not giving the little one the attention she's looking for. That you two will be doing what you need to, to prevent them. Keep her safe & stop them.

mo one needs to apologise, you were ALL in the wrong

& you need to stop thinking you're the only one who can tell the older two off.