Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

Which only appeared after she was called out on minimising his abuse.

So op is saying that her younger girl is a liar??

About something as significant as having her step dad pushing her?

Hmm.

Pushing a child on the shoulder who is refusing to go where requested towards where they have been asked to go isn’t bloody abuse. Stop trivialising abuse. It’s downright offensive.

Can you direct where to get the support?

That is the very last strategy I'd consider using for a child less than 3 years old exhibiting this behaviour.

Once you frame it as a 2.8 "being naughty" you've got absolutely no hope in a) helping your child manage themselves in this circumstance and b) controlling your own emotional response.

I'd think very carefully before taking that sort of parenting advice from strangers on the internet who don't know anything about your child.

Go read the book I mentioned I suspect it will help you.

It sounds like your 2 older girls were not doing as they were told, thus making an already stressful situation worse. Let’s be honest here - if the roles were reversed and your DH had the 2 yr old after she scratched your face, what would you have done regarding the older 2 still laughing? Would they have gone straight to their room if you told them? Would you have shouted at them? Would you have pushed them towards their room if they hadn’t moved voluntarily?

You're trivialising abuse, not me.

Abuse is a wide range.

People with a brain get that concept.

On the topic of the tantrums.
Don't both tackle it together!

Minimise all stimulation.
One leaves the other stays. Then swap over when that one is losing their cool.
The parent who stays, just is close by doesn't do anything that baby would need to react to it process... So no talking to baby, just be a calm, solid, neutral presence.
Occasionally calmly say 'I'm here, it's ok' and 'when you're ready, we can hug'.

When it blows over you say 'those were big emotions, come here, have a hug'.
Give baby a hug that lasts until baby is ready to break away. You can stroke her hair and say, that was a lot wasn't it, but we can be calm now'.

Sounds like whatever bedtime is... It is too much
Try a longer wind down before bedtime, services going off, and getting teeth cleaned earlier before she's really tired.
Scrap the bath or do it much earlier.
So by the time she's at this 'totally fried' stage all you need to do is read a story quietly in bed and tuck her in.

Have you ever met a 10 year old? Do you honestly think that pushing a child away from an already stressful situation after they had already been told to move is a bad thing?

Pushing a child on the shoulder who is refusing to go where requested towards where they have been asked to go isn’t bloody abuse.

You're wrong.

Maybe go and do the freedom program or speak to women's aid.

If you're raising kids, that's disturbing.

It's always worth reading all the OP's posts before having a go at other posters...

None of you should be laughing at an upset child. You as parents made this acceptable.

Then one day OH cracked and lashed out randomly. Imagine that poor little child having a whole family laugh at them being upset. If you were angry or crying I'm guessing people laughing at you wouldn't help.

DH needs to apologise. I understand why he was angry but neither of you should have let it get this far.

I agree with the above, agree how to deal with tantrums.First rule, you do not hit or scratch. If you do were stepping away. When you can stop we can give you a hug.

I think its difficult though and you have to agree what works for your own child. Ie what's triggering anger. I wouldn't call it tantrums as I think its dismissive of their emotions and triggers.

Ensure there's a clear routine, kind words where possible and boundaries.

Do you honestly think that pushing a child away from an already stressful situation after they had already been told to move is a bad thing?

Yes, I do think that a grown man who's lost his temper putting his hands on and pushing a young girl by the shoulder (her step Dad in her home) is a 'bad thing".

The fact that you don't think it's a bad thing is disturbing.

Instead of focusing on your husband, who by your own admission is the softer, more playful parent and has been great with your girls since day one, I would focus on why your daughters are so unpleasant and look at working on how to improve that.

Your dh should definitely not have sworn at them, but it sounds like he was at his wits end. Instead of leaving like they were asked to, they stood there laughing. Do they normally get pleasure out of watching their little sister so distressed? They seem to actively seek out where the poor baby is in the house to go and watch and laugh. This surely makes the baby even more upset. It’s actually quite vile behaviour and you are posting about your husband.

I really wouldn't do this. You have a child that is really struggling to manage her emotions. Shutting her away won't help and will likely make her and the situation as a whole worse. She needs to be taught and helped to calm. Distraction, calm voices, cuddles (if wanted) and lots of discussions re feelings and big emotions when she is calm/in general life so your DD can vocalise how she is feeling. It is OK and natural to feel angry, sad and disappointed some times. Your DD needs to know that, not hide those 'bad' feelings away.

I’d argue that it’s disbursing that somebody as one dimensional as you raising children is disturbing. You’ve already accused me of not having a brain so it shows your threshold for resorting to insults is quite low - I worry for your children, do you often insult them? (You see - we can all be as facetious as you!)

Wow ok. I would have to disagree as I have seen vile behaviour in children and my children are not that. I do think it's a coping mechanism. But also something they are not used to seeing but happy to listen to you call it vile behaviour. But thankyou for taking the time to reply

Laughing at or allowing others to laugh at a distressed upset child is really dark and troubling.

It's always worth while having a bit of scepticism luv.

And perhaps not automatically believing things when it's conveniently cleared up that a child was lying.

The op started by saying that her child said she was forcefully pushed and that she herself didn't see it.
Then she says a few posts later that her older child corroborated that the child wasn't forcefully pushed.
So, if she the op knew that she wasn't, why say "she says she was forcefully pushed but I didn't see it" or words to that effect?
Why would even say that if you already knew that was lie or at the very least an exaggeration??

Or has the op conveniently got that clarification off her older DD within a few posts during this busy thread. Would you not get the story straight before you posted for advice?

Even if true, if your child lies about their step father forcefully pushing them, you have problems (on top of the other problems here).

Just to be clear, as it was me who said I used to pop my daughter in another room, I (obviously) am in no way qualified as a Child Behaviourist I am just sharing anecdotal parenting stories. My daughter would get worse and worse and I tried everything. Quietness is still what calms my daughter down over any situation.
I don’t seem to have fucked her up in any way but seeing at how quickly people have disagreed with my ‘method’ perhaps give it a swerve 😬

I am not saying your children are vile. However, the act of anyone seeking out someone in distress so they can watch and laugh is vile - whether it is a child or an adult.

Your dh needs to know that his behaviour was unacceptable. By the same token your daughters need to understand that too. If the baby is distressed and having a meltdown, they can either try and help or leave and not make the situation worse. I can’t imagine how stressful the situation is for everyone. However, everyone is responsible for their own actions, including a 10 and 12 year old. In the situation you describe, they were asked to leave multiple times and chose to not only ignore the instruction but carry on watching and laughing. Can you not see that that is extremely unpleasant behaviour? It’s not a coping mechanism if they have been asked to leave but refuse to as they are finding their baby sisters distress too entertaining to miss out on.

These blended families are a mess.

A tantruming child of that age isn't trying to 'gain anything' they're caught in a storm of huge emotions that they don't understand and can't control.
Putting the child alone is at least not escalating things and children will learn to manage their emotions eventually anyway.. .
But shutting them away isn't showing them they're not going to gain anything it's just leaving them to cope alone, which they will.
But better to provide loving support imo.
A calm solid rock to reassure and sooth them afterwards is good as huge emotions are scary and exhausting.
Then you can help them understand them when things are calm.
I used to say things like 'you were very tired and the water on your head got too much didn't it' to help them process and understand it in age appropriate language.
Then you can say things like, shall we do your bath before your tired tomorrow then you can enjoy it instead?
Constructive changes.
Given this is a long running pattern she will also have strong negative associations with bathrooms herself by now which probably means she's tense before it even goes wrong

Why on earth would you both laugh when your child is acting this way? Do you not see what sort of message that you are sending to your daughter? I really do not know how some people are allowed to become parents.

They didn’t get abused that’s far to strong of a word for someone putting a hand on a shoulder and ushering them down the stairs