Husband shouted at my daughters

[Unknown987]

Bit of back story. I have two daughters from a previous marriage, 12 and 10. One with my current husband.
My husband has a very good relationship with my older two. He's the softer playful adult in the family whereas I'm more the disciplinarian. He is actively involved in all parts of their lives (discipline is left to me as my expectations are higher than his I guess). He has been in their lives 5 years.
our 2.8 year old has been having major tantrums recently - she has meltdowns over something she does not want to do (normally end of day when she is tired). This one was triggered by bath time. In these tantrums she is hitting crying screaming breaking anything around her. I would welcome any advice around this too?
Last night was a particularly bad tantrum. Both husband and I are fed up 10 mins in and we are laughing out of dispair while she is just going crazy on floor. My older two find it funny and are always laughing when she has these tantrums (we have spoken to them before to leave and go upstairs away from baby when this happens as it is not helpful).
Older two were upstairs laughing throughout the tantrum even though I had told them to go in their room.
Baby daughter scratched husbands face in the tantrum (really hard) almost drew blood so while I took her off him and restrained her the girls were on the landing and he shouting at them and pushed the 10 year old towards the stairs by putting hand on shoulder (she said forcefully I didn't see) and he shouted at both older girls 'I don't ever want to see you f*ing laughing again when baby has a melt down.'
Girls went down and I told him to calm down as we are at our wits end with baby's behaviour and I believe he took it out on the older two.
i am so disappointed with him and have told him never to swear or touch my girls again. I don't know how to be now. I explained to my girls that it is out of order but he was angry at the baby not them. This has never happened before as normally it is me that tells the girls off and is seen as the 'mean' disciplinarian.
But Aibu to be angry at him?

This. 👍

Discipline her for not sharing or eating sweets when she's been told no or hitting a sibling when she's angry. Not during a tantrum.

Different slant that they're regularly winding up 2yo by laughing.

Parent your 2 older ones properly too.

So just to say I stopped washing my child's hair, would use a damp flannel if there was a noxious bit but honestly they didn't have a regular hair wash from 6 months to age five. They're rarely doing anything that gets them so filthy it requires it and it might at least save bathtimes being quite so stressful.

he sternly asked them to leave while putting a hand on her shoulder

Why are you making stuff up ..... You don't know that he "put a hand on her shoulder".

The op doesn't even know exactly what he did.

So how would you know??

The DD says he forcefully pushed her by the shoulder. What is your agenda that you've decided, as a stranger on the internet, who wasn't there - that this girl only had a hand 'put on her shoulder"?

Why are you disregarding that she said she was forcefully pushed?

As far as dealing with tantrums goes, you just have to ride the storm. Make sure your little one can’t hurt themselves (or as far as possible) & don’t try to reason with them as they can’t process what you’re saying or probably even understand. Stay around but don’t react. Hugs after. As pp have said, try to pinpoint the triggers & do things differently if you can.

No parent is perfect,and will re-act in the moment. God knows I’ve had situations where I’ve behaved less than perfect in these sorts of things. He didn’t hit them, but as they had ignored instructions, he guided them to leave the area. Although I would have a word with him about the bad language, which suggests lack of control and shouldn’t be used in front of children imo.

The completely ignoring that a young girl said she was forcefully pushed by her step father in her home (who apparently lost his temper having just been scratched hard by his 3 yr old as part of an ongoing tantrum) and saying the op is over reacting ..... Is pretty disturbing.

I confess to having no direct experience about how blended families work. But I would find it strange to be with my husband for five years and he was not allowed to discipline the two older children.

It does not feel like a functioning cohesive family that way. Do the girls respect your dh?

I think you’re trying to minimise what he did quite a bit and have gone from shouting to “his voice went up a bit” and from pushing her (and described by her as quite forceful) to “he put his hand on her shoulder”.

He shouted at and swore at two young kids, and pushed a 10 yo. That’s terrible behaviour from him.

I don’t understand why the older ones and sent away because the youngest is having a tantrum. Feels like punishing them for her behaviour.

I don’t understand why you and your husband can laugh at it (I wouldn’t) but the “older two” (not even all that old - they still aren’t even teens) aren’t allowed to.

I really don’t understand him turning on your child aggressively like that. It would be unacceptable if she was a grown woman, never mind a primary school aged child.

I think if you don’t like the idea of questioning your relationship- and I’d be questioning it - you need to have a proper talk about why this is wholly unacceptable. It’s not disciplining, it’s a temper tantrum from him too, only it’s much more serious from a grown man. No one should be putting hands on a child and he needs to und that.

No he put a hand in her shoulder and was ushering them downstairs he didn't push her. Older one corroborated

I’ve paraphrased this that the OP subsequently wrote. Don’t think it’s too far off the mark.

Your expectations of a two year old are way off.

Clearly the eventual response of your husband was unacceptable but it looks like he was put in a situation where even the most cool-headed individual would struggle. By the sounds of the family dynamic I think you need to take on responsibility for your two daughters behaviour in these situations.

Lots of unnecessarily judgy comments about the laughing here. I know from experience that the reality of dealing with the extreme expressed emotion that emanates from a toddler having a tantrum is very different in practice than on paper. Particularly when it comes across as defiance at the end of a long day. Keeping perfectly calm in the face of the massive stress response that this behaviour induces in everyone is extremely challenging even for the most controlled of individuals.

Much of the situation will be predictable to you at this stage. You need to try and control the environment better, which includes you managing the behaviour of your daughters (and removing their presence if possible).

The tantrums need a thread of their own as without more info on your particular child and their personality / behaviour it's difficult to do anything other than empathise either you.

We found the book "a spirited child" helped form a strategy for this sort of behaviour based on trying to understand its origin from the child's point of view.

I thought that about the discipline generally, but this isn’t disciplining them. This is him taking out his anger and frustration at what the little one is doing on them.

I did wonder why we’ve had so much talk about how he doesn’t discipline them bearing in mind this isn’t what happened here.

You shouldn't have told them he wasn't angry with them.

He was angry with them and rightfully so, they're too old to be so emotionally insensitive to the youngest member of the family.

His over reaction was due to the heat of the moment stress of the situation.

They should apologise for laughing as that makes it worse for everyone. Why are they laughing while their parents deal with such a stressful situation!!??

He should apologise (and really mean it, cos that was bad) for his over reaction and assuming it was out of character that should be that.

Then work on avoiding/minimising the tantrums and their reaction to it - sounds like they lack emotional literacy to be finding that so funny every time.

He didn’t hit them, but as they had ignored instructions, he guided them to leave the area.

Another poster lying.

He didn't guide them.
One of them said he pushed her forcefully by the shoulder.

Why are you assuming ops DD lied?
With no reason to assume that.

This isn't a way girls should be being treated by a stepfather in their home.

If your partner pushed you by the shoulder while raising his voice, would you consider that he "guided" you?

That's gas lighting.

Same…
He acted like somebody truly at the end of their tether with bad behaviour of 3 children.
The laughing at the tantrum thing needs to stop for all of you. It’s probably not in The Soft Child-Led Parenting Manual but at that age I’d pick my daughter up, pop her in another room and close the door until she had finished and came out of her own accord. We didn’t have tantrums for very long as they didn’t gain anything.

i will try that. Thanks.

Same

Well then you're a problem as a parent and person.

You don't have a right to push around your own kids, let alone your step kids.

This. It's very different situations! Are you really wanting to enter a situation where he only is able to parent your shared child and not the elder 2? Or are you meaning he can't parent as in discipline but will be expected to share all other aspects of parenting?

👌

Re toddler meltdown - your husband needs educating. He's never been here before.

You have.

You have done this twice before and should have a stock of wisdom or the sense to get proper training on how to deal with something the other two maybe didn't do.

Asking here is a start.

Re shouting and hands on - no. It's the adult's job to deal with how they feel in an adult way. If a son had done this, there would be punishment.

Again, you both need educating in parenting young teens because that's only going to get worse now.

And reacting like that over the same behaviour they'd just seen the adults role modelling, ie laughing at meltdown??

Could be a primeval thing - 'another man's children don't get to mock MY child'? Keep an eye on that.

But I would find it strange to be with my husband for five years and he was not allowed to discipline the two older children.

He didnt "discipline" them, he lost his temper when he was scratched deeply by his own child; and then raised his voice and pushed one of them by the shoulder.

Ops actual post confirming he DIDNT push.

Again, you both need educating in parenting young teens because that's only going to get worse now.

Yep