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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has just had a go

106 replies

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 01:48

We're struggling immensely with money at the moment... Lack of it.

Two young kids, he works full time (pre kids I was the breadwinner) and I work 16 hours a week for a charity, making very little.

For the past six months, I've been applying like mad for jobs. Either hybrid full time or part time to top up.

Background - been diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago. Am medicated and generally fine. We moved into a new house last year and there's still some organising to be done plus the day to day chores fall behind.

Tonight, like most days, I have been applying for jobs. At 1am, found a great job that required verbal interview questions to be submitted. Little did I know DH was stood at the door listening to my answers after he'd had three beers once his show had finished and was getting for bed.

He stormed in telling me it was too late to be doing that. I didn't sound coherent and it went on...

you're not looking after yourself
thought you were doing no carbs and all you're eating is carbs
you're not right/yourself at the moment
if I worked as little as you do, this house would be spotless

And so on...

For the record, I've been offered a job with very unsociable hours meaning I'd really only get to see the kids in the early mornings/weekends and it would interfere with their clubs and classes not to mention childcare. I'm reluctant as it isn't great pay and long hours but DH is so hell bent on us getting money (hugely in debt) that he wants me to take it. I can't do right for doing wrong.

He wants me to go to church with him tomorrow. I'm not religious so not going to go as I'm angry despite usually going for the family.

Sleeping in separate beds tonight and I feel pretty hurt by his verbal attack when I'm trying to do better.

OP posts:

poppyzbrite4 · 22/09/2024 01:51

He doesn't sound very nice, I'm not surprised you're upset. Is he usually so rude? He sounds very domineering. What do you want to do?

Original poster

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 01:55

He claims he's got my best interest at heart. We've been through a lot with my dipolar diagnosis and I'm medicated. But I still have ups and downs. I would appreciate it if he understood that.

What u want in a ideal world is a tist house ams a job but it should not all be down to me.

OP posts:

Sinisterdexter · 22/09/2024 01:58

He can afford 3 beers though in a night when your struggling for money?
Does he give money to the church too?

He doesn’t sound like a nice person, critical, judgemental and nasty.
He needs more than a few prayers to help him.

Original poster

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 02:00

@Sinisterdexter no he doesn't give money to the church thankfully.

I hear where you're coming from regarding the beer. Money not well spent.

OP posts:

poppyzbrite4 · 22/09/2024 02:02

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 01:55

He claims he's got my best interest at heart. We've been through a lot with my dipolar diagnosis and I'm medicated. But I still have ups and downs. I would appreciate it if he understood that.

What u want in a ideal world is a tist house ams a job but it should not all be down to me.

I understand that you've been through a lot with your illness and am glad it's being managed. Have you spoken to anyone regarding the debt? I suggest the National Debt Line if not, they may be able to help to reduce them.

You're looking for jobs and doing all you can, the job with a lot of hours doesn't sound worth it for the money.

Your husband is bullying you. I understand he's under a lot of stress but he shouldn't talk to you like that. Please stand up for yourself.

Original poster

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 02:08

I'd like to hear from the people who think I'm being unreasonable just so I can gain some perspective.

OP posts:

poppyzbrite4 · 22/09/2024 02:10

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 02:08

I'd like to hear from the people who think I'm being unreasonable just so I can gain some perspective.

What are you being unreasonable about?

Original poster

Sprinkly · 22/09/2024 02:11

5% percent have voted I'm unreasonable @poppyzbrite4

OP posts:

Comtesse · 22/09/2024 02:14

Well recording answers for employers questions at 1am probably isn’t going to see you do your best, that much is probably true.

But having a big go at you is really too much.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/09/2024 02:32

I suspect his rant was......

"When we agreed to have kids I didnt realise that this meant I would have to be an actual grown up!!! That I would have to support the family and help you and the kids! I am angry that you are not doing literally everything and allowing me to do what I want, when I want and how I want!!! I am angry that you have a proper illness that I am not allowed to be pissed off about without looking like a dick!! I married a woman who provided everything and now she isnt doing that, so I am PISSED OFF!!!!"

Counselling first, but get your "Fuck Off Fund" started, just in case.

thebestinterest · 22/09/2024 02:35

Yes, YABU. You’re struggling financially — take the job! You can continue to interview and seek out better opportunities, but you are acting like a princess as if you have so many choices right now. You don’t. Parents do tough things ALL the time, this is one of them.

To be clear OP, we were struggling financially and I HAD to take a low paid, long hour position myself to lessen the burden. I don’t plan on staying in this role very long but right now it’s a means to an end.

Katielovesteatime · 22/09/2024 02:54

He was unkind. However, huge financial pressure can make people really crumble. It’s not good, but it’s not uncommon for people to drink when stressed, and of course people find it harder to hold their tongue after a few drinks. Could he just be very stressed about the debt combined with your bipolar, and be worrying that the stress is negatively affecting your health too? Please take the job. It might not be perfect hours, but when in debt, just take what you can. Look for something better as you pay off the debt.

JaneAustensHeroine · 22/09/2024 02:57

If, after applying for jobs for six months, you have been offered one then you should take it. You wouldn’t have applied for it if you didn’t think it could work and, like @thebestinterest says, it doesn’t stop you from continuing to look for other opportunities.

Answering verbal questions for a job at 1am is unlikely to find you at your best - he has a point - but being angry with you is not helpful and is bullying behaviour.

I think all you can do in this situation is treat this as feedback and reflect on the content of what he is saying rather than the way it has been delivered.

If you can go to church tomorrow then go. This may be his way of saying “I’m desperate and need spiritual support” and wanting you to be part of that. Tune into the emotion of what he is saying rather than the words.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, It sounds like you have both been through a very difficult time.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 22/09/2024 03:00

I agree with the last three posters. If we were massively in debt I would have strong words for a partner who wouldn't take a job because of unsocial hours and was putting in poor applications.

Ranting at someone isn't great but I can't blame him.

Seaweed42 · 22/09/2024 03:04

What age are your kids? Do they go to school or nursery during the day?

Josette77 · 22/09/2024 03:13

It sounds like the kids are in school so yes I think you need to take whatever job you can.

My sister and mom have bipolar and have blown through money when manic. Is the debt from both of you? I'm only asking because I've had to bail them out before.

StormingNorman · 22/09/2024 03:17

OP you’ve been applying for jobs for six months and you’re desperate for money. You’ve got to take what you can get.

I feel his frustration but he needed to express it differently. Moaning about your appearance and the housekeeping was just a way of twisting the one. Nasty actually.

BreadInCaptivity · 22/09/2024 03:36

JaneAustensHeroine · 22/09/2024 02:57

Answering verbal questions for a job at 1am is unlikely to find you at your best - he has a point - but being angry with you is not helpful and is bullying behaviour.

I think all you can do in this situation is treat this as feedback and reflect on the content of what he is saying rather than the way it has been delivered.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, It sounds like you have both been through a very difficult time.

A very sensible post.

OP the situation sounds very difficult and it's clearly been a very stressful time.

It is worth taking the heat out of what has been said and to reflect on the message.

Being stressed about money and working while having a partner turn down work, household chores being neglected and job applications not being taken seriously (and doing this at 1am isn't taking it seriously) is enough to make many people think "enough" especially when you say your medication is working.

mylkshake · 22/09/2024 04:10

is there any backstory op? - has he form for this.

did anything about the relationship contribute to your diagnosis?

Fraaahnces · 22/09/2024 04:23

Don’t go to church if you are feeling vulnerable. It won’t affect your MH in a positive way. What you need to do is assess your marriage if he is that horrible - and you know you shouldn’t be drinking beer whilst on meds for bipolar. He attacked you when you were vulnerable, and violated your privacy. I really hope you get a great job that improves your self-esteem and you can move on.

Mountainormolehills · 22/09/2024 04:28

I feel for you both. I have been the one helping my partner get work while being the breadwinner and also being the main person doing the chores and getting frustrated at the haphazard way house jobs, applications (yes job applications at 2/3am that I was asked to help with) were being done, and it being blamed on a neurodivergence that my partner was being medicated for.
Thankfully we weren’t in debt but it’s hard feeling like everything is on your shoulders. We have since split and there’s no chaos in my house now but I know my ex struggles. Ultimately though it was dragging me down, it wasn’t the reason for the split but I was not appreciated for everything I did, all I heard was excuses why my ex wasn’t working and why the cooking/cleaning was still my domain on top of my full time job.

Not saying that this is the case here @Sprinkly but offering a different view.

SunnySundayAfternoon · 22/09/2024 04:36

Ask yourself a few questions before you consider taking the job with long and unsociable hours.

Would he be willing to work those hours?

Is he pulling his weight financially/job wise or is he just dragging his feet while waiting for you to become the major earner again?

Will he still expect you to do everything you do now on top?

Will he just find something else to "have a go" over?

Will he piss that extra money up the wall with more beers while you're at work?

Does he shout at you no matter what you do and is it a long standing pattern of behaviour that won't stop even if you do give him more money for the family pot?

These questions and similar are ones only you are in a position to guess the answer to with any degree of accuracy.

I don't think some previous posters are thinking of the answers to questions like this. Quite how they manage to see some poor poor man narrative instead of a nasty bastard, making comments about his wife's body and diet while semi pissed up, I don't know.

Take advice from this place with care because there are some very funny attitudes when money comes up on here. There are also some bad faith actors who are sometimes hard to spot.

Overthebow · 22/09/2024 04:49

You’re struggling for money, in debt and you’ve been applying for jobs for 6 months and just been offered this one. Yes you need to take it. Also if you’re only working 16 hours currently I would expect you to be doing the lions share of the housework and the house to be tidy.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/09/2024 05:18

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/09/2024 02:32

I suspect his rant was......

Counselling first, but get your "Fuck Off Fund" started, just in case.

This is exactly what he is all about!

Jjiillkkf · 22/09/2024 05:38

Don’t go to church if you are feeling vulnerable. It won’t affect your MH in a positive way.

What on earth is this supposed to mean. It is precisely when you should go to church. Perhaps it depends on which church but it affects many peoples MH in a very positive way. If we all took church seriously there might be less MH issues.

I think it was a cruel remark about the state of the house as if it would be better with him part time dealing with it. I'd try find a full time role similar to prechildren if you were primary breadwinner and he can be part time house husband

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