Husband has just had a go

[Sprinkly]

We're struggling immensely with money at the moment... Lack of it.

Two young kids, he works full time (pre kids I was the breadwinner) and I work 16 hours a week for a charity, making very little.

For the past six months, I've been applying like mad for jobs. Either hybrid full time or part time to top up.

Background - been diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago. Am medicated and generally fine. We moved into a new house last year and there's still some organising to be done plus the day to day chores fall behind.

Tonight, like most days, I have been applying for jobs. At 1am, found a great job that required verbal interview questions to be submitted. Little did I know DH was stood at the door listening to my answers after he'd had three beers once his show had finished and was getting for bed.

He stormed in telling me it was too late to be doing that. I didn't sound coherent and it went on...

• you're not looking after yourself
• thought you were doing no carbs and all you're eating is carbs
• you're not right/yourself at the moment
• if I worked as little as you do, this house would be spotless

And so on...

For the record, I've been offered a job with very unsociable hours meaning I'd really only get to see the kids in the early mornings/weekends and it would interfere with their clubs and classes not to mention childcare. I'm reluctant as it isn't great pay and long hours but DH is so hell bent on us getting money (hugely in debt) that he wants me to take it. I can't do right for doing wrong.

He wants me to go to church with him tomorrow. I'm not religious so not going to go as I'm angry despite usually going for the family.

Sleeping in separate beds tonight and I feel pretty hurt by his verbal attack when I'm trying to do better.

I think people are being harsh here OP.

And I wouldn't be buying more beers

You are not unreasonable; however, I do have a different perspective.

Did you both discuss/agree you stopping work or changing jobs to a charity (low pay)?

I'm the breadwinner at home with a young baby and would never dream of being a SAHM if the money isn't enough, if we'll be in financial stress then both people have to work. Even then, if someone had to stay home to look after the baby then it would be the lowest paid parent.

If I'm the breadwinner and my partner is only working 16 hours a week, I would expect a clean house.

I grew up in a single income family and I know the huge stress it caused to my dad. We always had food to eat but he was always in debt. It's not fair on any partnership. Money was always causing fights between them.

If you've been looking for a job for 6 months I would take it , especially if the pay is good. You can see it as a stepping stone, pay your debts and keep looking for another one with better hours.

Now, your DH was also unreasonable. He shouldn't be yelling at you or saying derogatory comments. Staying up late and doing interviews at that time could be a sign of a manic episode though. So, he could have had double worry, money and your health. Again, you don't treat someone on an episode like that.

You both should have a respectful discussion of your needs and expectations. If it doesn't work, then counselling.

He was mean, in the moment, but I think you need to separate out the 1am criticism from the bigger issue here.

Sounds like he’s stressed from carrying all the financial pressure, while you don’t appear to be pulling your weight. Take the unsociable hours job, and use it as a stepping stone to something better. If you’re hugely in debt then you can’t afford to be picky.

Does he not have a point? Who submits a job interview at 1am. He said you were incoherent. Listen back later today. Were you? Bipolar is kept under control with proper restful sleep, medicated or otherwise. Antisocial hours and being up late is not a good idea.

I don't understand some of the replies on here.
You have a diagnosed illness which you are managing with medication. You are running your home and looking after you children and have been trying to find work. Everything you say shows you have been doing a good job at doing your best despite your illness.
And yet your DH spends money on alcohol you can't really afford. And verbally tries to undermine you in a really destructive way at the very time when you need his support.
He knows about your mental health problems and yet choses to attack you with really unhelpful nasty jibes to try and destroy your self confidence.

I also don't understand the comment about waning you to go to church: your religious views are entirely your own business. He has absolutely no right to try and make you go to church. He can't tell you how to think.

I think going forward I would certainly be resolved to find a job that would give you self confidence. Try and be as independent from him as possible because I don't think he is a positive influence on your mental wellbeing. I don't think he respects you.

You are not being unreasonable in the least. Some people probably click on 'unreasonable' for the hell of it.

Thank you all for your replies. There are some really great perspectives.

My children are in nursery and P2 and for context the shifts are 12 till 8pm meaning I won't see them as much, they'll likely miss their clubs and classes and I'll have to heavily rely on family - this is what's really stressing me out.

In relation to the time of night of applying for jobs, I am a night owl and it's often when I get peace and quiet but I do understand how that can come across as unhealthy.

He's very stressed about money, as am I. We did agree for me to go into a role with less hours (my current charity role) for the sake of my mental health and being there for kids but we're now so desperate financially it has become the main focus for me to get a job.

Would you have taken it if it meant the kids never saw you, couldn't go to their clubs and you had to pay for childcare out of the tiny salary?

I get needing to take any work to support the family, but if you have to pay stupid amounts to go to it (childcare) and it meant the kids never saw their parents, does it actually work?

@Sprinkly have you looked at retail jobs to tide you over? You could likely fit hours around the childcare needs, which wouldn't disrupt the family too much.

Also think about whether your 'D'H is just unusually stressed (and therefore this is a one off), or if you need to be getting your ducks in a row to do it without him. Or something in between. Make sure you're prepared for the worst / best case scenario (depending on how you look at it).

Church? Not another one. Tell him to practise what he preaches.

If you are that desperate for money, I would take the job, learn as much as you can, and use it as a stepping stone for a more suitable job. The DC will be fine in after school care and missing clubs at that age. Having less financially stressed parents and the opportunity to do family things together at weekends will make up for it

Lack of money causing huge stress but no excuse to be rude. I’d take the job for now, and keep looking for something else with better hours. Yes you’ll see less of the kids but think of it as temporary. Longer term they will benefit from more money coming in. I think sometimes kids have too many clubs, my friends DD’s have done everything, causing a lot of stress for my friend who works. The lack of clubs will save money, explain to the kids when you’ve got a job with better hours they can look at restarting.

It sounds like the wrong job for you. I wouldn’t take it. Do your family want to provide childcare ? Will your DH take care of them when he’s finished work? Will he do dinner and bedtime routine with them? Or will he leave everything including dishes in the sink until you come home?

It sounds like a really stressful situation. Your DH should not be "shouting" at you (though some ND people have rejective sensitive dysphoria where anything at all negative is perceived as 'shouting' or having a go? I am not sure if this might be a thing for you maybe) but it sounds like you've both been through a hellish couple of years. Assuming his cans of beer were £4 or so from a multipack that doesn't seem unreasonable on a Saturday night, especially if you now can't afford to go out to socialise.

Where did the debt come from? Was it from overspending in a manic episode / unexpected roof repair or is it from trying to cover day to day living expenses (ie getting worse and worse each month). Have you spoken to eg stepchange?

Personally I wouldn't take the 12-8pm job as it wouldn't work for me or my family but I would be looking very hard (especially on charityjob.co.uk) for more hours and higher pay. Could you get more hours in your current charity? Or take on more hours elsewhere - I did freelance admin on the side for a local dance school when we were skint for a couple of months, for example. Even something like being a lunchtime assistant, so you still had time to rest in morning/ afternoon, on your days off (assume 3 days off a week) would be £60 a week.

It is also always better to save money than make money so since you are up late anyway you and DH should have an evening going through energy bills, Sky package etc. Good luck.

12-8pm 5 days a week are actually not such terrible hours from a parenting point of view. If the kids are sick for example you can split the day and you look after the kid the first half of the day when the other one gets some hours in at work and then they take over as you leave for work. Same with school holidays. We did this when my kids were young as my ex worked a lot with the US so I would work 8am-midday and then he would work midday to sometime in the evening. That way we both got at least a half day in at work and didn't have to take as much time off.

Plus, you also get a few hours to yourself in the mornings when everyone is in school/work/nursery so you can prep dinner, tidy up, food shop, rest etc.

Just take the job and look for another one whilst you are there. It always looks better to have a CV without massive gaps.

He sounds really awful. He should have worked part time and you kept your successful career then the house would be spotless apparently.

He’s unkind isn’t he? I couldn’t stay with an unkind partner personally but appreciate it’s very hard with young children etc. You’re vulnerable at the moment and he should be supporting you not shouting at you. After all you’re both stressed about money not just him.

How did the debt happen if you don't mind me asking ?

Re the unsociable hours job - presumable he'll be sorting the kids while you are at work ? Especially if he's so hell bent on you bringing in more money. 🤷‍♀️

Assuming his cans of beer were £4 or so from a multipack that doesn't seem unreasonable

@distinctpossibility if they are in so much debt that OP is job hunting at 1am and he's shouting at her for not doing well enough at it, then beer is very much unreasonable, regardless of it's price. £4 once every weekend is £16 a month they could be saving, and if he's had three tonight and potentially some on Friday (because people also like to socialise on a Friday), you could be looking at double that.

Alcohol is a luxury, not an essential, and if the financial stress if that high it's one of the first things that should be cut out.

"I'll have to heavily rely on family"

This stood out for me. If you take the job then he is as much responsible for finding childcare as you are. He needs to fully take that on board.

I think you are assuming he is trying to undermine her confidence and there's something more sinister going on, but to me it honestly sounds like he is just at the end of his tether. yes he could of put it better than that but we are all human and say things badly when frustrated and stressed.

No where did she say he yelled at her. They sound like genuine concerns. Although he is unreasonable for the 3 beers when they are struggling. One would have been OK.

he probably has good points but expressed them badly. You may have already done this but have you examined outgoings and removed anything not needed (Amazon prime/take out/beers….) as first thing to do when in touble is spend less before you look for jobs. If he wants you to work more he needs to accept the house won’t be top priority.

What did you do before when you were the main earner? Any chance of finding a role like that again. Take insolvency advice to try and minimise the debts. I worked 4-10.30pm to pay off debts and childcare was very difficult...so I found a job from 10pm-3am, childcare was fine but my lack of sleep was exhausting but you do what you have to do.

Imo the alcohol is only unreasonable if OP has also stopped everything which could be viewed as frivolous - going for coffees with a friend, chocolate bars from the Co-op or grabbing a magazine while she sits outside the kids' activities in the evening. The fact the kids are doing activities - to the level OP would refuse a job to ferry them around - kind of suggested that things aren't quite that dire.

Or, potentially, neither of them is making the right decisions financially and they need to properly examine everything.

But I would always make the kids things the very last thing to go.

I can't believe I had to scroll so far down before someone asked this!

@Sprinkly if you take this job (or actually any other job) have you discussed how childcare will then be split once you're not at home as much? Will your husband be rearranging his work to contribute to being there for his children? Or is the assumption that you will continue to do everything around working, including arranging after school clubs (expensive) or asking family (needs to be agreed in advanced and what if sometimes it can't be relied on?) What happens when they're ill?

It's all very well saying "take any job" but if it's not actually going to improve the family situation, it's not always that simple. And going for a job then immediately applying for others may be a red flag to employers, they might think you're not reliable/won't stick around etc.

I'd try and have a proper chat when everyone is calm. Write stuff down so you don't get flustered. It's understandable he's stressed, genuinely, but it's extremely unfair for him to talking to you in that way.

No not a good idea to take this type of job with bipolar. Will play havoc with your health.
Please ensure you are getting all benefits etc you are entitled to to support you.
Possibly look at reducing children's clubs if particularly expensive to help with debts.
Get some support to manage your debts.