Husband has just had a go

[Sprinkly]

We're struggling immensely with money at the moment... Lack of it.

Two young kids, he works full time (pre kids I was the breadwinner) and I work 16 hours a week for a charity, making very little.

For the past six months, I've been applying like mad for jobs. Either hybrid full time or part time to top up.

Background - been diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago. Am medicated and generally fine. We moved into a new house last year and there's still some organising to be done plus the day to day chores fall behind.

Tonight, like most days, I have been applying for jobs. At 1am, found a great job that required verbal interview questions to be submitted. Little did I know DH was stood at the door listening to my answers after he'd had three beers once his show had finished and was getting for bed.

He stormed in telling me it was too late to be doing that. I didn't sound coherent and it went on...

• you're not looking after yourself
• thought you were doing no carbs and all you're eating is carbs
• you're not right/yourself at the moment
• if I worked as little as you do, this house would be spotless

And so on...

For the record, I've been offered a job with very unsociable hours meaning I'd really only get to see the kids in the early mornings/weekends and it would interfere with their clubs and classes not to mention childcare. I'm reluctant as it isn't great pay and long hours but DH is so hell bent on us getting money (hugely in debt) that he wants me to take it. I can't do right for doing wrong.

He wants me to go to church with him tomorrow. I'm not religious so not going to go as I'm angry despite usually going for the family.

Sleeping in separate beds tonight and I feel pretty hurt by his verbal attack when I'm trying to do better.

He made a really personal attack on her appearance:not looking after herself and unpleasant insinuations about her diet and weight. Told her she was lazy. Told her she was " not herself I.e. she was mentally unwell. These are all uncalled for personal comments designed to undermine anyone and in particular someone with a mental health diagnosis.

This is an unacceptable way to talk to anyone and particularly unpleasant to say to OP when she was actually in the middle of doing something to try and help their financial situation I.e get a job.

Why are you trying to excuse unsupportive, unpleasant behaviour which could only have negative effects?

And the fact he is trying to get her to go to church when she had no religious views is actually very sinister. Trying to use religion to control her is very worrying.

I don't feel there is enough information here for anyone to really have an opinion.

We don't know why it's taken 6 months for op to get a job offer or why there's so much debt.

We don't know what sort of hours the DP works or how much he contributes to family life and housework.

On the surface, if I was knocking my pan in working FT and yet still broke, I would certainly be upset if DH only worked 16 hours a week and yet still I came home to a dirty home (if that's the case!!!).

Op hasn't given enough info to know really (which is fair enough!)

On the flip side, op sounds like a great mum and has a serious illness that she clearly works hard to manage - so may need more support from DP, and certainly not a telling off. Will your illness allow you to take on more op? I don't think those hours you've been offered are sustainable. Can you manage more without your illness getting worse?

Op one more thing, is it possible you are having a flare up of your condition and DP is actually concerned (clutching at straws, I know)

I am not going to apologise by saying….
Your husband has been vile.
Yes, you are both under pressure, but it is clear you are doing your best.
So what if you are up late applying for jobs? And he’s clearly pissed, listening in…. then having a go?
Then listing all of the reasons why he thinks you are not performing well at home.
Then, to add insult to injury, asks if you want to go…. to church?
Will he go to church pissed and start to pick on the flaws of the congregation? No of course he won’t.
Street Angel, house devil as my nan used to say. Maybe he could use some of his Christian values at home. With his wife.

He sounds absolutely awful. Bullying, domineering, abusive, controlling, unkind… and church? What a joke.

I bet he does fuck all around the house and for the children too.

Quite.
Not being very Christian is he?

Going to church isn’t as bats as it looks to people who aren’t church goers.

Sometimes managing children in church is tricky, it’s easier if there are two of you to share it. I know people who don’t come to church because they can’t manage the dc alone and their partner wont let them to leave the dc at home. So it all depends.

And @Jjiillkkf going to church when you are feeling low can make you feel worse if it’s not somewhere you feel comfortable. It can be intensely reflective and social, neither of which are good when you are not feeling safe.

Sorry but where did he say anything about her weight or her appearance? Maybe he is genuinely concerned she is eating too much junk food?

And he didn't call her lazy either?

Making a few points albeit a little harshly during times of stress does not make people evil narcissists 🙄

Did you actually read what OP said?

And who called him an " evil narcissist " ? I certainly didn't.

Why are you so invested in excusing bad behaviour?

I'm not excusing bad behavior if it can be helped. I'm being realistic. And yes of course I read exactly what the OP said but it appears many others are making assumptions.

Did you finish the verbal job application? If not and you still can then do. Don't let him dictate what jobs you can and can't apply for.

What do you mean people are making assumptions? It was very clear what he said to her. There is no ambiguity that it was a nasty personal attack made at an exact moment when OP was actively doing something positive to try and help their situation.

What do you mean you are " not excusing bad behaviour if it can be helped" : that makes absolutely no sense at all.

I'm on the fence. I'd like to hear the DH's version of events.

Why are you in debt?
Is the house a complete shit tip?
Does the low carb help your disability?
Were you answering questions badly due to being knackered or not bothered?
Why can't you get a better paid job? Even supermarkets are paying well round here.
Are you able to claim benefits for your disability which might ease the burden?

You need to sit down and talk this through OP.

The usual MN LTB/your DH is a narcissist responses are not helpful.

Church actually might be useful because it will force you to sit together and present a calm, united front and not argue and then hopefully you will both be calmer and more peaceable to talk afterwards.

No, but it can make them unkind, unpleasant and unsupportive, and it looks to me that that's what's happening here.

Why are you so keen to criticise the op and defend her dh, who has launched a verbal attack criticising her eating habits, her mental health and her work ethic? All this after he's had three beers??

If he's really concerned about her then there are much better ways of expressing himself

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - it sounds like a very tough situation. That said, are you sure he’s not picking up on things you may not be aware of ?

My partner has bipolar disorder and there are certain foods that trigger mood swings - these include caffeine, sugar and foods with a high saturated fat content - not sure if carbs are a trigger as he has to limit them due to diabetes anyway. Sleep deprivation is also a trigger. If your DH has noticed that you’re not looking after yourself and has maybe picked up on changes in your behaviour, then l can understand the concern that you’re still doing job search at 1am, So at least some of the rant may be coming from a place of concern. I think the comment about the house not being spotless is concerning, but only you can judge whether there’s anything to that, or if it was just something thrown in out of frustration.

l know from experience that dealing with a diagnosis like this isn’t easy and meds for bipolar are difficult to get right. It sounds as though you’ve both been through a lot, and the added money worries will be creating stress and tension. I also know from experience that my own DH can be unaware of the changes in his behaviour which l pick up on, and which can build into a mood swing. Maybe you should both take some time to talk things through. If you’re so deeply in debt l can understand his eagerness for you to take the job, but it sounds as though that will create different stresses, so you need to be honest about what you expect from each other.

OP has bipolar. Diet can affect mood and medication in some cases. Sufferers are also not always aware that there are changes in their behaviour that pre-empt mood swings. Yes there are very much better ways to express concern, but the whole situation sounds stressful, so the best thing OP can do is talk to her DH, find out what triggered his rant and share her own concerns.

I'd be interested in hearing both sides too. I just think that when you are struggling to deal with your own health children aren't necessarily the best option.

Hi OP sorry to hear you’re struggling. I just wanted to say though that being able to see your kids early mornings and weekends if you took that job really isn’t so crazy. Many of us have jobs that only enable us to see our kids early mornings and weekends. Take the job and seek out other ones whilst you’re there. Best wishes

Not really helpful to point out things that can’t be changed. And there is no suggestion that the OP isn’t ‘well enough to keep the house straight’ - she mentioned that they’ve moved into a new house which isn’t yet organised properly.

If your kids are at school and you are at home, you should be doing the cleaning which it sounds by his reaction, you aren’t on top of it. I would be angry too. If he worked 16 hours and you were working full time would you not be stressed too?

The OP isn’t religious so perhaps she’d enjoy having some peace and quiet whilst her DH is out of the house. No one should feel that they have to go to church - imo I can’t think of anything worse

I agree with you to an extent, but having a reasonable conversation with someone who is half pissed and shouting isn't easy. Yes, she can wait till he's calmed down but I don't blame her for being hurt and upset.

My partner has never launched into a verbal attack on me no matter how stressed he might be! Sometimes this board is all "ltb" and sometimes it's full of women encouraging others to accept real unpleasantness from men because of "stress".

No. Not acceptable.

For an atheist, going to church at any time would have a negative affect on your mental health: no one wants to sit and listen to someone preach about what they don't believe in. It would be like suggesting you go to a mosque to improve your mental health.

If you took the job, would he do his share of childcare, take time off, do school runs and carting around, pay for childcare and do whatever is needed in the house? Or are you expected to manage it all?

If it's the latter, he can get stuffed.

What a judgemental but pointless post @Joystir59
Op stated in her original post that she was only diagnosed three years ago. When she already had the children.
It seems you have chosen to lack comprehension skills, not to mention a little empathy. Why?