Husband has just had a go

[Sprinkly]

We're struggling immensely with money at the moment... Lack of it.

Two young kids, he works full time (pre kids I was the breadwinner) and I work 16 hours a week for a charity, making very little.

For the past six months, I've been applying like mad for jobs. Either hybrid full time or part time to top up.

Background - been diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago. Am medicated and generally fine. We moved into a new house last year and there's still some organising to be done plus the day to day chores fall behind.

Tonight, like most days, I have been applying for jobs. At 1am, found a great job that required verbal interview questions to be submitted. Little did I know DH was stood at the door listening to my answers after he'd had three beers once his show had finished and was getting for bed.

He stormed in telling me it was too late to be doing that. I didn't sound coherent and it went on...

• you're not looking after yourself
• thought you were doing no carbs and all you're eating is carbs
• you're not right/yourself at the moment
• if I worked as little as you do, this house would be spotless

And so on...

For the record, I've been offered a job with very unsociable hours meaning I'd really only get to see the kids in the early mornings/weekends and it would interfere with their clubs and classes not to mention childcare. I'm reluctant as it isn't great pay and long hours but DH is so hell bent on us getting money (hugely in debt) that he wants me to take it. I can't do right for doing wrong.

He wants me to go to church with him tomorrow. I'm not religious so not going to go as I'm angry despite usually going for the family.

Sleeping in separate beds tonight and I feel pretty hurt by his verbal attack when I'm trying to do better.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I’d say he’s stressed over money BUT I’ve said that here too, is it really an excuse? Don’t blank him, talk to him and say are you aware what you said? Do you really think it’s ok? Do I ever say that horrible stuff to you? I’m trying! Ps really think about the unsociable job- weekends free with a good wage and less money stress is huge! (Not if it’s leaving house early home after bedtime or something btw).

Sorry just saw isn’t good pay. I don’t know then. Huge hugs, madly trying for jobs here too, it’s so disheartening! Make sure you have a nice day today somehow, have some fun or a pampery shower. And hope things get easier xxxx

I have to say - recording some of your actual interview at that time of night did raise questions in my mind about if you are a bit hypomanic and not needing sleep at the moment ...

Maybe your DH is concerned - but expressing it very badly?

Obviously I'm just a person on the internet so have no idea of the subtleties.

• if I worked as little as you do, this house would be spotless

Yeh at this point I'd be saying ok then. You say you were the main breadwinner before kids. Would your MH hold out if you were back FT and he took care of the kids and all household stuff? Basically just allowing you to work? Obviously only you know how your BPD works. Part of me thinks he might be a little bit vile and still be a knob head even if you were working FT and financially you were a bit better off.

For reference I only work 16 hours a week but it means that we have zero childcare costs. I'd be earning the same FT once those costs were removed so DH said there was no point breaking our backs. Also means that DH can work over/earlier/go on work trips abroad and we don't have to think any different outside of our usual daily routine.

I posted further upthread in more detail from the point of view of having a partner with bipolar myself. The concerns that OP said her DH voiced are concerns that l have had in relation to recognising behaviour pre-empting mood swings in my own partner - behaviour that he is not always aware of himself.

l understand only too well what OP and her partner have been through - both in getting a diagnosis and going through what can be a nightmare process of trial and error in getting the meds right. Eating junk food and not getting enough sleep can interfere with meds and affect mood. And again from experience, l can see her DH’s concern.

Nowhere have l said that the way in which he expressed that concern is acceptable, but like it or not stress will have played a part, especially if he can see signs that OP’s health may be deteriorating. For myself, l would be very, very concerned if l found my partner engaging in job search and answering verbal interview questions at one in the morning.

I’m not suggesting for one second that she, or any other woman for that matter, should accept that kind of behaviour. All l’m suggesting is that he may have legitimate concerns about her mental health on top of their money worries and that when they are both calm and focused they should share their concerns, which include ‘OP’s misgivings about the job he is so keen for her to take.

I’ve posted upthread about bipolar. Diet and sleep deprivation can interfere with meds and can trigger mood swings. OP didn’t say his comments were about her weight or appearance. Having been through the nightmare of a bipolar diagnosis and trialling meds to control it, his concerns about her diet are more likely to be in relation to that. He definitely went about it the wrong way but if l found my partner (who also has bipolar)online and answering interview questions at 1am l’d be concerned about hypermania, so it’s likely that stress is a factor in his response.

I voted YANBU because he had an aggressive, unpleasant go at you, and that is not ok.

BUT I wonder why it has taken 8 months (ish) to sort out after moving to the extent that day to day household stuff falls behind, and applying for jobs at 1am.

Potentially it sounds chaotic and a bit disordered. I understand you have a diagnosis, and manage your condition, but it can be a bit of a struggle to live with people with various conditions. I have been on hol with dear friends with ADHD / anxiety / ASD linked conditions etc, and enjoyed our hols and our friendship. But accommodating their quirks / needs does take emotional energy and can occasionally be a bit exhausting.

No, you didn’t call him an evil narcissist, but you didn’t read the OP properly. He said nothing about her weight or appearance. The junk food and not looking after herself were references to her mental health. Bipolar, and the meds prescribed for it, don’t respond well to junk food or lack of sleep. He definitely shouldn’t have responded the way he did, but it more than likely came from a place of concern.

That's often mistaken clicks

He needs to back off and he needs to stop drinking

Did you carry on with that job application?
Can he earn more money/get a better job?
Where did the debt come from?

You speak with knowledge about bipolar diagnoses, which is helpful. However, with respect, your posts are encouraging women to put up with shit treatment from their partners; you keep saying that you aren't condoning the way he spoke, but then you continue to come up with excuses for it!

Shouting and criticising while half-pissed is NOT acceptable, I don't care whether it's coming from a good place or not (doesn't really sound like it is)

Thank you sincerely for all the replies.

Debt came from buying a house and getting it done up plus a consolidation loan. Up and above that, we both have credit cards.

Going to speak to debt specialists.

The deal was I was applying for part time jobs to top up my income/hours. This particular job I've been offered is in fact full time (was advertised as part time). I'm going to decline the offer and continue to pursue part time roles or full time with better suited hours and a hybrid approach.

And what's your husband doing?

And does he pull his weight at home?

The rules about Flexible Work Requests have changed so don't rule out jobs that don't quite have the hours you are looking for.

@Nanny0gg

He works full time but I do the lions share. He will pull his weight occasionally. He's good with the kids.

@Comtesse As OP is bipolar, I’ll offer a bipolar perspective on this - if I were in a manic phase I wouldn’t notice the time; I would do things at odd hours when I felt the drive to do them.

I do agree that I might not see that what I was doing wasn’t the best quality! Although when I’m manic I do often do my most creative, best work. Even if it’s 1am.

OP, this is meant gently, but could any part of the debt be considered to be as a result of the bipolar or meds used to treat it ? I’m only asking because my DH has bipolar, and won’t have credit cards or any kind of credit account because he knows that during some of the more severe mood fluctuations he can be irresponsible and spend impulsively. If you think this could be a factor l would speak to a debt specialist because in some circumstances - not all - it may be possible to get a proportion written off.

Then we have to remain at a disagreement. And l’m not offering up any ‘excuses’. Bipolar is difficult to live with for both partners and the sufferer my not always be aware of concerning signs, whereas partners learn to spot them a mile off and that can be very frustrating. There’s a difference between an excuse and a reason and l’m just clarifying possible reasons why the stress has built up to that point. But it’s definitely not acceptable to get pissed and rant.

He's stressed about money but he pisses all your money away. Has he always had a drinking problem? Because if money is tight he has to stop the drinks. That is the first thing that has to go. His priorities are fucked up. He doesn't sound like a responsible or mature husband. He CANNOT AFFORD to drink, at all, in your situation. You don't seem all that concerned about his drinking, so your priorities are pretty messed up, too. I'd be more worried about him drinking your money away than I would be the answers to a job application. Your priorities are wrong, OP. Very very wrong.

This particular job I've been offered is in fact full time (was advertised as part time). I'm going to decline the offer and continue to pursue part time roles or full time with better suited hours and a hybrid approach.

Why not try to negotiate for part time hours - seeing that this was how the job was advertised - instead of simply turning it down?

If you don't ask you don't get.....

Bloody hell, talk about amateur dramatics !! Where does OP say he pisses all their money away ? Where does she say he has a drink problem ? He had three beers. Definitely shouldn’t have had a drink and then had a go at OP, let’s be clear about that. But there’s no suggestion of an ongoing problem in any of OP’s posts. And what of OP - she doesn’t say if she has the occasional drink, or spends a similar amount of money treating herself - if so, why is her DH any different ? Alcohol clearly hasn’t helped a stressful situation in this instance but your post isn’t based on anything the OP has actually said.

You are obviously putting a different interpretationon on his words than the obcious one.
I have my experience of mental health illness. You have yours.
I disagree with your interpretation and the way you are making excuses for his bad behaviour but I respect your right to your opinion.
.

I'm not going to comment on the MH aspect as you know yourself better and he sounds like he's stressed and rude, sometimes that happens in relationships.

I think your idea to manage the debt better is the way forward. Get in touch with StepChange or Christians Against Poverty and work out if there's a way to manage these better, this will relieve some of the pressure on the household. It does not make sense to work longer hours if you are bipolar and need that stability and you do nearly all the household and childcare things, you need to keep things stable and taking on another job may not be the right way forward so reducing outgoings is a good option here.

I read the the post several times, carefully.
You are interpreting his words in a totally different way than I understand them.
And I certainly see no trace of concern in his words. It was a personal attack.
Again I don't see why you are determined to defend him and apparently find fault in the OP.

Ugh, stop defending the abusive behaviour of a man, it’s just gross.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But.

I was the child of this situation with my parents when I was an older teenager still living at home, so old enough to understand it.

My dad also started drinking (never had before, he was never drunk but it was a coping mechanism to have a couple of whiskeys every night after work, they couldn't afford for him to be drinking either) and was very angry a lot of the time. He would snap at my mum in the ways you mentioned, even down to the house cleaning (the house was fine).

It wasn't actually about any of that. It was about incredible amounts of stress related to debt. They owed over half a million, some of it owed to the government so a daily interest rate attached. Because they were in so much debt it felt overwhelming to them, it seemed pointless to switch to 65p beans from £1 beans because it was a drop in the ocean - however looking at it now if they had made a lot of changes and actively got into the mindset of saving every penny it would have helped a lot because it would definitely have added up overall. I still think they would have lost their house but perhaps they could have downsized instead of being pushed and saved their relationship.

My dad was self-employed and so for years my mum had been effectively mostly a housewife but with a part time job for some of it. He felt the burden of all of it and she was the verbal punching bag for it. He couldn't understand why she didn't get a much better full time job because she had the qualifications for it, she didn't really want to change her life, stuck her head in the sand about how bad it was because he'd always been responsible for fixing situations, and didn't put much effort in beyond sticking some things on eBay to sell and cleaning the house more.

They could not get out of that situation on their own, and I could see both sides of it. Both had benefited from the golden days of spending the money, but on my dad's side it became resentful very quickly as he was working so many hours and saw her contribution as far lower since she wasn't working full time and doing the basics around the house (my sister and I were too old to need much in the way of help ourselves). My mum's confidence was zapped as she took on more and more of what he said and it made her want to change even less. The arguments got worse.

As I see it now it was a 50/50 situation. My dad needed my mum to step up, but he went about that happening in the wrong way. After that it got very messy. My dad shouldn't have been horrible to my mum, but also my mum should have taken a more proactive role in wanting to save the situation instead of leaning on excuses and half-heartedly doing things for show to try and avoid pissing him off.

Read the OP. She has bipolar and diet and lack of sleep can affect it quite badly. Non-one is defending the way her DH approached this, it’s not acceptable to get drunk and shout, but the comments were not about her weight or appearance.