To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

[Username1233]

For context, we are NOT big drinkers. We have been together 11 years and have 2 amazing children. We got together when we were young (teenagers) so particular habits I assumed my DP would grow out of. One issue throughout our whole relationship is how awful he gets when he drinks alcohol. This isn't often (Around 3 - 4 times a year, usually an occasion together such as a wedding/leaving do/festival together/birthday). That's probably the reason why it upsets me so much - every nice occasion we have is ruined by his drunken behaviour.

Years ago I asked him to stop drinking as he cannot handle his alcohol. Its slowly crept back in again and I fear last night was the final straw. I do not want to have to tell him to stop drinking, it makes me feel controlling. But equally, I cannot go on like this. It seems so trivial to end a (normally very good relationship) due to events which only happen a few times a year. But I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc).

Last night it was my leaving do, DP had to return home earlier than me. By the time I got home (Around 1am) he had a big lump on his head from falling over upstairs (This is what his brother told me who gave him a lift home) and had urinated all over my dressing table/makeup etc mistaking it for the toilet! I am beyond upset.

Any wise words of wisdom? Any mumsnetters which have experienced similar? As I stated earlier on, it seems too trivial to end our relationship over. However I want to enjoy myself, I don't want to be on edge for special occasions.

It's not trivial. 💐

Have you even taken a video of him behaving like a twat so he actually realises the impact alcohol has on him.

maybe he needs to drink alcohol far more regularly so he builds up a bit of tolerance 😀

People get so drunk that they piss themselves or on furniture repulse me. I’d have left long ago tbh - people who drink and have a problem (I.e cannot control it) are pathetic this is definitely not a trivial issue. He has no respect for you - given you’ve asked him to stop and he’s continued. He’s chosen alcohol over you.

TBH your kids deserve better than that for a father. And you deserve better for a partner.

If he can’t drink without getting into this kind of state, even if he doesn’t drink often, he still has an issue with alcohol.

I think he needs to stop drinking full stop, you’re right to feel this way.

Wow, that is a pretty extreme reaction to alcohol your DH has there!

In short, this is not a small problem in my opinion, and he is aware of this and he is still doing it - of course you are well within your rights to say this isn't working.

Pissing all over your belongings of course is going to be extremely distressing, what is his behaviour like afterwards? You haven't said what his response is generally like, has he made promises and then broke them? Does he leave the mess for you to clean up? Does he apologise to friends and family i.e. his brother for being such an arse? I think his other actions should feed into any decision to split.

So sorry op, this is awful. His drinking is out of control.
I would look into finding an Anonymous programme for support for yourself, families of alcoholics type of thing. They are online if you can't get to an actual meeting. If you can afford counselling, go for that as well.
Leaving might be the only wake up call he understands.

I also agree that you aren't being trivial here. Getting so drunk that he has urinated all over the bedroom, regularly falls over and is at risk of being run over would greatly worry me too.

What discussions have you both had regarding his drinking?

@HappyDane Thanks for your response. I suppose I read some awful stuff on here, and my everyday relationship with him is great, however a drop of alcohol and its a total jackal and hyde situation. x

I honestly would have left my DH the first time he pissed on any furniture.

How fucking vile.

@Timeforabiscuit He was very apologetic this morning (And always is after this happens). Has no memory of the night before, his behaviour and how he acted. He will clean up his own mess, has said he's sorry about a thousand times this morning already. But when it keeps happening, "Sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore.

@MyKidsAreTooNoisy Funnily enough for the first time I did actually take a video last night and sent it to him this morning. It felt like a horrible thing to do (Which is why I have never done it before), but I think its good for him to see his own behaviour.

@Saintmariesleuth Our discussions have basically contained all my feelings which I have put in this thread. He has said "Yes I agree, I cannot understand how after just one more drink i'm black out drunk, i'm sorry, I wont drink anymore" etc but that all changes when he's surrounded by others egging him on. Or his friends/family will say "Ohhh, go on, let him have one drink - don't be so tight" - and it makes me feel so guilty and controlling! And although I have tried to explain to family and friends what he is like, I don' think they quite understand the extent of it.

That's revolting. He'd better be replacing every single item he pissed all over.

You're well within your rights to end things with him, this would be a deal breaker for most people I think!

@Username1233 I think there are a few people that just can't handle alcohol at all- I know exactly what you mean about 'Jekyll and Hyde'.

I know a friend of a friend who used to become a liability any time she was out drinking - and sounds exactly like your partner (except for the urinating everywhere). It was a nightmare to be out with her. She is now teetotal and acknowledges that she can't drink.

Edit- I posted before I saw your reply. That's really hard if he's being egged on by others and also has them minimising his behaviour. It doesn't sound like he's willing to change at all.

I hear you.
I've been where you are
Alcohol was a huge contributing factor in the reasons why I left.
My STBXH also pissed all over my dressing table, make up etc ... it is disgusting.
He didn't care and did nothing to change his stupid drunken behaviour.
So now he's single.

@SauviGone This is the first time the pissing on furniture has happened, which is what feels like the final straw! Its absolutely vile, and I feel horrible inside. I can't explain it. But that's all my things, I feel so disrespected and embarrassed.

@KeepinOn Oh yes, he has already offered. Problem is, when our finances are shared its basically just me paying to replace all the items to!

We have a family saying that an apology without action is a betrayal, and yes he can be sorry - but it doesn't erase what he's done.

It sounds like you've hit your personal limit, but this isn't on you to fix, an apology and amends isn't going to cut it anymore - would he agree to going to substance misuse counselling? Alcohol is dangerous for him, and by extension you and your family - he needs to decide if he is going to address this properly or not, if not, you have your answer on the relationship.

That’s the thing, you are both going without things to fix his mistake. He either owns the fact he cannot drink or you leave him. The pissing over your belongings feels horribly personal and I don’t think I would ever find a man who could knowingly get into such states attractive.

Only he can manage his behaviour. He knows he gets into this state yet doesn’t do anything about it. If he was really bothered or sorry he would never drink again. It would be a total deal breaker for me too. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this.

@Saintmariesleuth I really WANT him to change. He is such a wonderful and kind person normally (anyone who would meet him would probably think I am making all of this up!). It sucks though, because I have been waiting for him to change for the past 11 years - and if it hasn't happened now, its never going to is it? I am in such denial about it all.

Last night was probably one of the worst though. After he urinated all over my stuff (Which also led to him being covered in wee) I set up the spare bedroom and asked him to stay in there. He was so out of it he was shouting random nonsense at me, calling me the "C" word. It was exhausting and a little bit scary. Trouble is there is just NO reasoning with him when he's like that so its a case of having to grin and bear it until the morning.

I cannot tell you the physical revulsion I feel at the thought of DH pissing on my dressing table.

And although I have tried to explain to family and friends what he is like, I don' think they quite understand the extent of it.

Tell them straight.

Tell every single one of them, today that he urinated over your bedroom last night.

Stop covering up for him.

yes it’s hard when everyone else thinks he’s the life and soul of the party and a great guy - but they’re not the ones living with the consequences. You don’t need to justify any decisions to others, think about what you want.

There is such a damaging alcohol culture on this country. But ultimately he has to be the one who takes responsibility. The chances of his entire family stopping pressuring him to drink, of there being no adverts associating alcohol with enjoyment, of there being no 'wines for Christmas' features in the paper are zero. Ultimately he either chooses to drink, which unleashes a person that nobody would want to live with, or he chooses drink over you.

If this was about heroin, nobody would think you were unreasonable (even though he'd probably only be pissing himself on heroin). You might find Al-Anon helpful?

Drinking too much a couple times a year at events to a point you're a bit unsteady and clumsy is one thing but to drink yourself into such a state that you mistake a dressing table for a toilet is a fucking joke and I would be as furious and disgusted as you. How pathetic.

When his family/friends are egging him on have you ever told them they can bloody well take him home and deal with him then?

Time to spell it out. He doesn't know when to stop, he cannot handle his alcohol and his behaviour is making you consider ending your relationship so he has a choice to make, once and for all. Stick to it.

I’d show the video to the people encouraging him to drink.