To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

[Username1233]

For context, we are NOT big drinkers. We have been together 11 years and have 2 amazing children. We got together when we were young (teenagers) so particular habits I assumed my DP would grow out of. One issue throughout our whole relationship is how awful he gets when he drinks alcohol. This isn't often (Around 3 - 4 times a year, usually an occasion together such as a wedding/leaving do/festival together/birthday). That's probably the reason why it upsets me so much - every nice occasion we have is ruined by his drunken behaviour.

Years ago I asked him to stop drinking as he cannot handle his alcohol. Its slowly crept back in again and I fear last night was the final straw. I do not want to have to tell him to stop drinking, it makes me feel controlling. But equally, I cannot go on like this. It seems so trivial to end a (normally very good relationship) due to events which only happen a few times a year. But I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc).

Last night it was my leaving do, DP had to return home earlier than me. By the time I got home (Around 1am) he had a big lump on his head from falling over upstairs (This is what his brother told me who gave him a lift home) and had urinated all over my dressing table/makeup etc mistaking it for the toilet! I am beyond upset.

Any wise words of wisdom? Any mumsnetters which have experienced similar? As I stated earlier on, it seems too trivial to end our relationship over. However I want to enjoy myself, I don't want to be on edge for special occasions.

He needs to agree never to touch it again. My dh used to drink himself into a complete state, he was never nasty but he would fall into furniture etc and it was worrying with a child in the house. He’s been sober ten years now since before our second child was born, out of respect for us mainly, I think. I’d never have left him over it tbh but if he was aggressive with it I would have.

I would consider sending the video to your family so they will understand and stop pushing for him to have a drink in future.
But I would also expect him to be able to stand up for himself and refuse to drink if he knows how it affects him. And based on that, and the fact he urinated on your belongings, Im not sure I could continue the relationship

I took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I can not drink . Found it so hard to socialise without drinking when I was younger . But I was the one who ended up sick the next day sometimes unable to keep plans because of it. I was always sorry and ashamed afterwards but really unaware as no memory . I kept thinking I will be OK next time making excuses. My DH never expressed how it made him feel or told me how badly I behaved. I wish he had as I probably would have had a serious look at my drinking years ago .
Maybe he deserves this conversation too . Does he realise his family life is at stake ? Don't let him downplay what he has done or let his mates turn it into a funny story .

I wouldn't send anyone the video. Some people find stuff like that funny. If it's not your partner shouting aggressively and pissing on your stuff it doesn't hit the same way. Not in this country.

DH got drunk on whisky once and his behaviour was so vile that the next day I told him if he ever drank it again we were done. He's never touched a drop since.

OP it's perfectly acceptable to leave a marriage over this. You don't need permission or approval from anyone and it's actually very healthy to have strong boundaries.

He made/makes the choice to drink alcohol. If he genuinely didn't want to, he wouldn't, regardless of others encouragement.
So in that choice comes the behaviours you describe. Falling over, calling you a cunt and pissing on your belongings.
You have choices too.
I would not believe him when yet again he is sorry because he still chooses to drink (get drunk) every time the opportunity arises.
Choose carefully and wisely 🌺

What's his reaction when he sobers up?

And I hope he can afford to replace all your makeup

That's on him

He shouldn't be standing there letting you 'take the blame'

He needs to be adult enough to own his own behaviour

@Nanny0gg He is very apologetic after, says he feels ashamed, tries to make it up to me. But its happened that many times it doesn't really mean anything to me anymore.

He is a danger to you and his kids. His family need to know that. Tell the more rational sympathetic of them and let them spread the word.

He needs to acknowledge it. He needs to know you will leave if he touches alcohol- not if he gets drunk, if he has a drink.

He is dangerous. You cannot know what he will do to himself, you or the kids in that state.

Scary and triggering-

A friend’s DH hung himself in a similar state. Exactly like your chap. No warning but the same behaviour with alcohol. Fortunately he survived. But can you imagine ytrauma for your family of finding that one morning? It’s even worse than you currently fear.

He just can't drink, it's simple as that. And it's a very easy solution given it's only an occasional thing anyway. If he's not willing to do that when he knows he's been pissing on your stuff and calling you a cunt, then I'd be reevaluating how 'lovely' he is, because in the cold light of day he should be absolutely appalled and determined it won't happen again.

I've been with my husband 18 years, I love him to death, but if he pissed on my stuff I'd not just divorce him I'd kill him. I don't think this is trivial at all.

Isn't it odd how these men who get so drunk they piss everywhere always manage to mistake their wife's things for the toilet and not there own 🙄

But when it keeps happening, "Sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore

Of course it doesnt - at this point it's just pointless empty words isnt it? if someone is genuinely sorry they wont keep doing something that causes you such massive distress. It's akin to me telling someone I love them and then punching them in the face. Its utterly meaningless.

It's utterly revolting to be urinating over furniture and frankly dangerous if he is injuring himself. This is very serious and it doesnt matter that it isnt happening all the time.

You seem very focused on the word "controlling" - you need to get rid of that. You give him a choice - either he stops drinking completely or you leave and bloody mean it. That isnt "controlling" him- he has a choice here. He can continue as he is which is harming you or he can stop.

The choice is his and its nothing to do with control, its about you enforcing a perfectly reasonable boundary that you wont allow him to harm you or distress you any more.

What worked with DP was asking him to think about how he feels about having to take care of drunk mates after nights out and having to deal with them being sick, talking crap, etc. It’s one thing if it happens very occasionally but a pain in the arse if it happens every time you go anywhere. I told him I’d had enough of having to babysit a « drunk mate » almost every weekend and something seemed to click in his mind, he’s been better since. Obviously this only works if he has friends who drink more than he does and is willing to look objectively at his behaviour.

Kick him out for a week or two. Tell him he gets medical help or goes to AA or you're done.

I don't know why he bothers if it's a couple of times a year. How can he enjoy that and look forward to being a weirdo again in 3 months time. How bizarre

The urinating in the wrong place reminds me of someone I know who had addiction issues. It doesn’t sound like your DH does if it’s only 3-4 times a year but he obviously has no stop valve or conscious thought about how many to have. All he needs to do is tell himself in advance I’ll have X and then soft drinks only. How much is he drinking when that’s happening?

I guess you give him clear advice that if he doesn’t regulate his own drinking and similar happens in future then that’s it because he’s lacking respect for you in not changing his behaviour around alcohol. Or if you don’t want to hang around waiting for it to happen again, you can end the relationship.

Did he clean up after himself or did you?

To be clear, you wouldn’t be leaving him because he “can’t handle his drink”. You would be leaving because he’s consistently failing to be a responsible adult and have any self awareness where alcohol is concerned. If a person knows it affects them to that e tent they should be making choices to stop at one or two. Or to avoid altogether.

He needs to know you mean it. He has crossed a line and something has to change.

Tell him to move out and live with family or friends. This doesn’t mean the end forever, but as much as it will hurt this is not a minor issue. If he goes to AA and shows progress, you can consider starting again. But he is an alcoholic and he needs to take it seriously and if he doesn’t your relationship is over.

The distance might also help you revalue everything else in your relationship and help you figure out what you really want.

Maybe he should stay with one of them after one of these nights out then.

It's not trivial and no one understands the HELL of being on edge whenever someone else drinks because their behaviour always gets out of hand.

You can't enjoy anything, every wedding/birthday ruined.

My ex was a huge liability always getting in fights, injured, running me from a foreign country at 2am because he thought he killed someone etc etc

We had a massive fight because I asked him not to drink at his Xmas do, as couldn't deal with the anxiety. He called me controlling said it would be fine. He got arrested for drink driving and spent the night in the cells I had no idea where he was. He is an ex for a reason.

Tell him how much this is impacting you, not being able to look forward to these events because of his behaviour, ask him how he would feel if it was you.

If he seems nonplussed then I would end it, it's not worth it for the anxiety it causes.

He's not an alcoholic if he's only drinking 3/4 times a year.

Which is why this is so problematic actually as it's difficult to get anyone to take this seriously.

The relationship our country has with alcohol is awful. I know of a friend of a friends partner who suffered a brain injury from a fall on a night out they were in hospital for months and it has had probably life long consequences for them and their family

That is not behaviour I would tolerate more than once, let alone 3-4 times a year. The verbal abuse would be the deal breaker for me. Ask him to leave whilst you consider your long-term plans. You can not put up with this.

Calling the person you love a cunt is unforgiveable.