To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

[Username1233]

For context, we are NOT big drinkers. We have been together 11 years and have 2 amazing children. We got together when we were young (teenagers) so particular habits I assumed my DP would grow out of. One issue throughout our whole relationship is how awful he gets when he drinks alcohol. This isn't often (Around 3 - 4 times a year, usually an occasion together such as a wedding/leaving do/festival together/birthday). That's probably the reason why it upsets me so much - every nice occasion we have is ruined by his drunken behaviour.

Years ago I asked him to stop drinking as he cannot handle his alcohol. Its slowly crept back in again and I fear last night was the final straw. I do not want to have to tell him to stop drinking, it makes me feel controlling. But equally, I cannot go on like this. It seems so trivial to end a (normally very good relationship) due to events which only happen a few times a year. But I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc).

Last night it was my leaving do, DP had to return home earlier than me. By the time I got home (Around 1am) he had a big lump on his head from falling over upstairs (This is what his brother told me who gave him a lift home) and had urinated all over my dressing table/makeup etc mistaking it for the toilet! I am beyond upset.

Any wise words of wisdom? Any mumsnetters which have experienced similar? As I stated earlier on, it seems too trivial to end our relationship over. However I want to enjoy myself, I don't want to be on edge for special occasions.

I'd just about give him one more chance if he pished his own pants on the pavement outside and slept on the porch.
Destroying your dressing table and makeup is unforgivable. It's weird that he he didn't think his playstation or his wardrobe full of his own clothes was a toilet?! Maybe you might mistake his designer trainer for toilet paper?
Just make him pay to replace everything he ruined then change the locks and block him.

And if they both own the home?

The OP certainly needs to leave him but in a slightly more organised way

I agree with this. As a starting point, his parents need to know how bad this is. If it’s his dad egging him on with the drinking, his mum might well put a stop to that. Hopefully it’s not both of them.

And no, it shouldn’t be a joint purchase of replacement makeup. You need to make a financial adjustment this month so that it all comes out of what is his spending money and not yours.

I’d be honest and say I’m not sure I can continue in this marriage knowing this will keep happening. For now what I do know is I do not want to go to any big occasion with you where you will drink. So if it’s someone who’s better friends with me having a party or wedding, I will go without you. if it’s someone you know better, i will not go if you are going to have a drink. If i go and you have a drink anyway we will have a bloody screaming match in the middle of the party before I storm off home. While you are still sober enough to understand how publicly humiliating that is and a tiny fraction of what you’ve put me through. And you need to go to counseling for your drinking. These are my conditions for not ending this marriage now, so I can know no man will ever again piss all over my dresser and makeup. What do I say to my friends when I have to say we’re broke this month or they ask what I’m doing Saturday? I’m going to say you were so drunk you pissed all over all my makeup so I’m replacing what I can afford while reconsidering my marriage. They will be horrified for me, but at least I should get some support, I’m not going to lie for you.

You cannot control someone else's behaviour.

What you can do is put in place your own boundaries to say - I will not put myself in situations where you drink. So I won't attend events with you if you drink, I won't go places with you that you'll drink, if we go somewhere and you start drinking, I'll leave.

Control your own life, not his.

Exactly this. He sounds disgusting when drunk. What an awful example he is as a father.

@Nanny0gg well I guess we are both right then. I don't do organised when someone pisses all over my shit.

@toomuchfaff Yes totally agree with your point. Problem is he is such a liability, whether he is drinking with me or not, I will be insanely worried about him. If he stumbles and hits his head, the kids don't have a dad. If he was to be so silly as to drink and drive, he could kill someone or loose his job. It's just too much of a risk to leave him to it. I realise I'm not responsible for him, but when you have kids involved it's so difficult x

No, it’s easy when you have kids involved. Do you want them to grow up seeing this? Yes or no?

Have you said everything you have said here to him, bluntly and directly so he fully understands the effect of his actions? If you have and he continues to do it, thrn it would be over for me. I couldnt be with someone so inconsiderate of my feelings

It’s time to give him an ultimatum. He needs to give up alcohol altogether and tell his friends and family not to do enable him. If not, you will separate from him.

If his family are big drinkers or problem drinkers, then sending them the video of him drunk won't help. They will have seen the same behaviour in themselves and their nearest and dearest and done nothing, so showing them the same behaviour won't make them think 'oh, dear, that's wrong,' it will make them laugh. Awkwardly, of course, because they've done the same thing, but it certainly won't make them help him stop drinking. Misery loves company, after all.

Personally I’d effectively give him one more chance by saying he goes t total or you are done. But it sounds like you might be beyond that anyway

Well if you split up you wouldnt be there to police him 24/7 would you? so, you either continue putting up with it or impose a boundary and give him an ultimatum.

He is a grown adult man, not a child, and by saying you have to be there to nanny him means he will constantly keep doing it and nothing will change.

He will damage your kids anyway if you allow this to continue because they will notice it eventually and be upset by it. One day they'll see him urinating or calling you the C word and how will you explain that to them?

He should not be drinking if he gets himself into a state like this. I will admit I used to get to a point of no return and never knew where my off switch was. I had to stop drinking anything for around 10yrs for health reasons and it made me see that I really didn’t need alcohol and I was a much nicer person without it. Now I have an odd drink but never more than 2 so I am never in that state. I feel sorry for my childhood friends and ex partner who often had to mop up the mess that drunken me got into. I wouldn’t even invite him to anything like your leaving do, weddings and things obviously you can’t get out of but he needs to be the designated driver

He is going to hurt himself regardless of whether you are there or not. Do you think its better to get a phone call that your absent dad died or to find him dead in the bathroom one morning?

The more you take responsibility for accompanying him the more your children will too. If its your job to care for him it becomes the family job. Read up on ACOA trauma: adult children of alcoholics. It’s horrifying.

Ultimatum time, alcoholics anonymous or divorce.

He is an alcoholic. He is unable to stop drinking once he starts even when it harms him and others. He has no control over his drinking. His desire to drink goes against what he knows is right and he is unable to find the will to stop himself. His relationship with alcohol is purely dysfunctional.

Not every alcoholic drinks all day and night. It isn’t about quantity or frequency. Some alcoholics don’t drink for years until they eventually are triggered by something (in his case seemingly certain social occasions) and then drink and become out of control, just like this.

It is definitely serious and I think anyone would or should take it seriously if he is drinking to the point it causes his family harm by damaging their home, insulting them, and humiliating himself and them. He needs help but that isn’t something OP can do if he doesn’t want to accept it.

YANBU that would be a deal breaker for me. It's disgusting and you are constantly anxious about when it will happen again and what he'll do next.

I wouldn’t judge @MarkingBad
I would have the utmost respect for you