To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

[Username1233]

For context, we are NOT big drinkers. We have been together 11 years and have 2 amazing children. We got together when we were young (teenagers) so particular habits I assumed my DP would grow out of. One issue throughout our whole relationship is how awful he gets when he drinks alcohol. This isn't often (Around 3 - 4 times a year, usually an occasion together such as a wedding/leaving do/festival together/birthday). That's probably the reason why it upsets me so much - every nice occasion we have is ruined by his drunken behaviour.

Years ago I asked him to stop drinking as he cannot handle his alcohol. Its slowly crept back in again and I fear last night was the final straw. I do not want to have to tell him to stop drinking, it makes me feel controlling. But equally, I cannot go on like this. It seems so trivial to end a (normally very good relationship) due to events which only happen a few times a year. But I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc).

Last night it was my leaving do, DP had to return home earlier than me. By the time I got home (Around 1am) he had a big lump on his head from falling over upstairs (This is what his brother told me who gave him a lift home) and had urinated all over my dressing table/makeup etc mistaking it for the toilet! I am beyond upset.

Any wise words of wisdom? Any mumsnetters which have experienced similar? As I stated earlier on, it seems too trivial to end our relationship over. However I want to enjoy myself, I don't want to be on edge for special occasions.

@Username1233 You don't sound in denial- it sounds like last night was the final straw for you. I can completely understand that- I'd feel the same if someone pissed all over my things and then screamed and swore at me.

It is not an easy decision to leave a long term partner (and I am sure even more so with children) and I can certainly understand why you have hoped that he would change. You are quite correct that this sounds unlikely though- you've discussed this behaviour with him multiple times and he hasn't changed.

Ignore the comments of these friends and family (who, as you rightly point out, probably don't see the full extent of his drunken behaviour) and do what you think is best for you and your children.

If it helps, if a one of my friends came to me with this sort of story, I would completely understand and support her decision.

I wish you luck with this OP- and please lean on YOUR friends and family for support

I believe (but you’d have to look it up) that there is a genetic predisposition to not being able to process alcohol.

He needs to know that you are willing to leave him over this. HE needs to make the promise that he will no longer drink and HE needs to be responsible for upholding that promise no matter what. (So it’s not about you being pressured to “allow him” in the moment. It’s HIS responsibility.)
Frankly, he should be doing it for himself, not just you and his children. He should have higher standards for himself.

Can you ask him to move out of the house for a couple of weeks to give you time to think? (Or you move out). At least it will show him you are serious and this can’t just be forgotten about.

Potentially if you were to frame it as “you are clearly allergic to alcohol” it would help him see it as a serious reaction that he needs external help with and would stop his family and friends encouraging him to drink.
personally it disgusts me when people force other people to have alcohol when they’ve said they don’t want to.
As to whether you leave him or not: it’s very easy to give a yes or no answer on the internet. In your situation I probably would, but I’d want to do it in a supportive way so that he could maintain a strong relationship with his children.

It’s not trivial. His extreme reaction to alcohol means he should never touch it and he needs to understand that.

I'd be absolutely sickened by this too OP.

The thing is he isn't sorry is he, he has proved that by doing this again and again. Sorry means you made a mistake, you regret it happens and you do something different next time to stop it happening again. What he actually means is 'oops, but no real harm done, I'll wait a while before doing it again'

I do understand the peer pressure. But it sounds like he is almost blaming you saying 'my wife doesn't like it when I drink' rather than actually taking responsibility for the problem and saying 'I can't handle my drink, I have a problem with it and for my own health I need to completely avoid it'.

I think the only thing to do is issue a serious ultimatum and mean it. I'd maybe look into how you would deal with a split (see a solicitor, work out financials, where you'd live etc) and tell him if he ever drinks again you will go and you are making exit plans just in case. He needs to tell people he has a serious drink problem and he won't be drinking again (or for work and people he isn't as close to he can lie about long term medication that you can't drink on or something) but he can't put you in this position again

@Username1233

The fact that you said you were scared would be the final straw for him to leave I'm afraid. In your shoes I'd be asking for him to leave, seek counselling for substance misuse as an ultimatum. If he won't commit to that then I couldn't let him return. Calling you the C word is vile even when sober what's to stop him from lashing out also?

his friends/family will say "Ohhh, go on, let him have one drink - don't be so tight" - and it makes me feel so guilty and controlling! And although I have tried to explain to family and friends what he is like, I don' think they quite understand the extent of it.

I think I would make an agreement that every time he drinks alcohol he needs to be under the supervision of, and stay overnight with, these friends or families. Let them experience the extent of it and see how they enjoy cleaning up the piss on carpets.
It does seem a shame to end a good relationship because you have a partner with an extreme reaction to alcohol. He does need to stop but you're going to need the friends and family on board. Otherwise, it's over.

Yes some people cannot process alcohol because they lack an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase.

Very common in certain ethnic groups such as Chinese. My half Chinese friend is absolutely plastered after a single glass of wine.

A friend of mine ended her relationship due to her fiancé's inability to hold his drink. They were engaged to get married so it was a monumental decision for her. They liked their drink but In his case, he would regularly piss himself once he was out cold, whether it was on the floor or in bed. He couldn't gauge when to stop drinking not to get to that stage and she just lost any respect for him. The thought of having to deal with this once married made her re-evaluate her life plans and end the relationship.

I completely agree. Although the pissing everywhere is disgusting, I think the screaming and shouting was worse and would be the deal breaker for me. Especially if there were children in the house.

My OH is a big drinker so different from your partner OP but I sympathise with your feelings around how he does behave when he does have a drink. I have been in situations which are mortifying to me. He doesn't ever remember or frankly, seems to care. I think you need to, if you haven't already, make it clear that if this doesn't stop you will leave him. Then it's very much up to him. I have laid the law down and there is improvement but I'm not convinced he will sustain the effort. Drink is a terrible thing. Good luck.

Send them the video, let them see what a few drinks leads to.

I would argue this is passive aggressive and puts the blame and responsibility onto the others. It needs to be DH that is the big man to stand up and say "I have a problem, I can't drink any more. I am currently seeking support. I would like you to support my decision to save my marriage and my health". I don't think others need to see the video.

You need to tell him after last night you're considering your relationship. No one should put up with that.

I've never been a drinker so don't understand the pull (I had an early morning delivery job so repected my driving licence). My ex once got so bladdered in a night club he was fast asleep next to the speaker. I had the bouncer balling at me to sort him out. Nothing I could do other than leave him to it.

I don't mind social drinkers do those that drink to excess and then try to egg others on get on my nerves.

Words are cheap, they don’t mean anything. He'll do this again because so far, nothing has happened - he’s apologised and that’s it till the next time.
you can’t control what he does, so what do you want?

I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc)

This is horrible and must be so stressful. It really isn't trivial.

You said he has given up drinking completely in the past but it creeps back in. Which means he is putting getting pissed before you and the children.

What if his drinking starts to increase? Alcoholics don't suddenly start being alcoholics, it can be a gradual increase in drinking.

Lastly, calling you the c word is abominable.

I would leave, tbh. Otherwise you could have decades of this.

Or send them the video

Tell.him to use his personal savings. Also tell him if he ever does that again your marriage is over.

You have one life, you can end any relationship - no matter how long and interwoven in each others lives and finances you are for any reason at all.

He urinated on YOUR things, not his - or in a cupboard that could, in a drunken haze, be mistaken for a toilet but things used by you. I'd take that as a big unconscious 'fuck you' if I were you.

I would have left years ago but this seems the perfect motivation for you. I wouldn't find him attractive or have any respect for him after this.

What was his reaction to you sending him the video? I think this is important.

He's the one that needs to be explaining to family and friends exactly why he can't have a drink.

@Username1233 how much did he drink?!?!

He called you the C word?!?!? This would be an absolute NO from me. I think I'd be giving him an ultimatum and telling him to choose between the alcohol or you and the kids as he can't have both and you're not putting up with it any more.

Make it very clear that another episode of him being in such a state and it's marriage over.

Where were your children when he was yelling at you and carrying on? It's a horrible life for them being on edge every time he drinks - I grew up with it.

Have you actually told him you are thinking of leaving him because of this? I mean telling him you are really considering it rather than saying "if you do this again, I might have to leave you". Make sure he knows that this time has meant you are seriously considering it as an option, not next time. Leave him with no doubt that he will lose you. I honestly think that giving him a real scare will be the only thing that will make him think properly about what he has done and that it's something that you cannot and will not forgive or forget. As other people have been saying, only he can really fix this. It's not just something to say, it is the absolute truth.

Had the same situation here, i gave an ultimatum and my partner did stop drinking. But i was fully prepared to follow through and separate if he hadnt.