To consider leaving my partner of 11 years because he cannot handle his drink?

[Username1233]

For context, we are NOT big drinkers. We have been together 11 years and have 2 amazing children. We got together when we were young (teenagers) so particular habits I assumed my DP would grow out of. One issue throughout our whole relationship is how awful he gets when he drinks alcohol. This isn't often (Around 3 - 4 times a year, usually an occasion together such as a wedding/leaving do/festival together/birthday). That's probably the reason why it upsets me so much - every nice occasion we have is ruined by his drunken behaviour.

Years ago I asked him to stop drinking as he cannot handle his alcohol. Its slowly crept back in again and I fear last night was the final straw. I do not want to have to tell him to stop drinking, it makes me feel controlling. But equally, I cannot go on like this. It seems so trivial to end a (normally very good relationship) due to events which only happen a few times a year. But I can never "Enjoy" myself on these events because I'm on edge, babysitting him, or apologising for DP behaviour. When he goes out without me, I am also left on edge worrying because he is such a liability (injures himself, stumbles into roads etc).

Last night it was my leaving do, DP had to return home earlier than me. By the time I got home (Around 1am) he had a big lump on his head from falling over upstairs (This is what his brother told me who gave him a lift home) and had urinated all over my dressing table/makeup etc mistaking it for the toilet! I am beyond upset.

Any wise words of wisdom? Any mumsnetters which have experienced similar? As I stated earlier on, it seems too trivial to end our relationship over. However I want to enjoy myself, I don't want to be on edge for special occasions.

You can’t control it; you didn’t cause it; you can’t change it.

That is what you learn at Al Anon.

I’m not saying you need to go to Al anon but that you need to understand that you can only make decisions based on where you are now, not on what you hope he will do. He has shown you he cannot control his drinking and indeed it seems to be getting worse. You can only decide what this means to you.

I fully agree with this. Spot on.

Inhérent in being genuinely sorry is à committment not to do that thing again. Without that, it's just empty words.

I would at least do a token please move out to make him see you're serious

Yes he is an alcoholic—at least by US standards. Its a set of issues including criteria like “ are family or friends concerned “ “are other things deferred or lost because of it” (money, jobs, social relations, furniture)” etc..etc..

But it doesn’t really matter. He has a problem with alcohol. It is ruining his marriage. That is a huge problem that he can’t manage.

I wonder if he lacks the enzyme to digest alcohol? He might be able to kearn to refuse alcohol and resist public pressure if it were understood as a medical condition.

The thing that needs to happen here is he needs a new set of friends. I say this genuinely. There are lots of hobbies and nights out that don't revolve around alcohol.

I'd be tempted to go away for a few days to give you time to reflect on whether this is acceptable behaviour and what needs to change as you clearly can't carry on. The fact you were a little bit scared tells you everything here.

I have some experience of it
and find the whining apologies pathetic to be honest as all it i doing is making it about THEM and THEM feeling better, not understanding the impact.

Good luck.

This but,

HE needs to be telling people that he can't handle alcohol.

So would I, I wouldn’t hesitate to show them what a revolting drunk he is.
And I would have left long ago, I have far too much self respect to want to be with someone like that.

I would have been long gone, this has been going on for 11 years!!

I would leave today, might be what it takes for him to finally realise that he CANT drink AT ALL

My DH was a Jekyll and Hyde with regards to drinking minus the pissing over the house bit. He hasn’t had a drink now for 22 years. It can be done if you want to change for the sake of your family x

That's not normal . He obviously takes it to far.
I would find it very hard to forgive . I wonder what he would do if you got so drunk you called him names got aggressive and fell around the place. And then did a wee on his belongings?
Do you think he would just get over it the next day . Or would he tell everyone and leave .

Oh darling @Username1233

you sound just like me a while ago. Husband was wonderful the majority of the time but each time he got pissed a chunk of my love died

I ended up leaving him about 18 months ago and he’s stopped drinking but it was too little too late

PM me if you like

This is repulsive behaviour. I've read a lot about men getting smashed and pissing on their partner's belongings. It's never theirs, is it? Don't often hear about women doing this, either. I was certainly no teetotal in my student days, but I somehow managed to get myself into bed without urinating over other people's items. The stories I heard about friends boyfriends, and they were the ones "mistaking" beds and wardrobes for toilets.

Disgusting.

That combined with the way he spoke to you, and I'd be gone. It's all well and good him saying he won't do it again and giving the old puppy eyes, but this is ongoing behaviour and he's spoiling social occasions that you look forward to, and disrespecting you. He's a grown man.

I couldn't live with that hanging over me every time a birthday came up.

He's an alcoholic with binge tendencies so ultimatums won't work unless he's ready to change. This isn't a trivial issue.

He absolutely is an alcoholic. One of the signs is someone who, once they start drinking, can't stop until they're shit-faced. How often it happens doesn't matter; not being able to stop is a huge problem.

I would set down some clear boundaries with clear consequences. I would tell him that he needs to stop drinking entirely or the relationship is over. You shouldn't have to live like this, and the fact that he won't stop even though he knows what it does to him shows an enormous lack of respect for you.

As much as I hate to say this, he's not likely to change. I have recently ended a 20 year relationship as I have realised this. It slowly gets worse and worse as you are realising with his choice of words and peeing everywhere. Get out while you can because words are meaningless unless the actions match.

I have a bf who turns very aggressive to everyone but me when drinking. My holiday was a nightmare. Fab when not drinking and doesn't drink usually

I spent 18 months dating a man who had a problem with alcohol. This sounds similar. I could not carry on as I was always terrified he was going to drink and come back drunk. I'd found him numerous times passed out an urinated on himself my bed, the carpet.... he was also a big man and I could not move him. Its not worth carrying on unless he agrees to be teetotal.

I'm from a family where we have problems with metabolising alcohol. Your DH seems to have an alcohol intolerance like ours where he can't breakdown alcohol effectively so it's causing issues. For example, I cannot drink wine especially red, it makes me very violent, very quickly, some relatives have other issues more like your husband's.

The only way to stop this is by becoming teetotal because people who react like this are inacapable of metabolising the stuff. I went teetotal, I drank a lot before giving up so it's not so much a case of building up tolerance more that it just can't be tolerated by my body. It's not something I mention often because some people feel judged if there is a teetotler about, I don't begrudge anyone enjoying a drink or two I just know my level of tolerance is miniscule. I might have a discussion if they admit to problem drinking and ask.

To support him, you may have to forgo alcohol too so you can be present when people are egging him on. That really gets my goat, I wish they would just respect that someone doesn't want to drink, I know why some do it, that's their problem.

If he's genuinely getting like this after 1 or 2 drinks then maybe he should get tested to see if he has a disorder that PPs have mentioned. Then he can just tell people he can't drink because he's alcohol intolerant. And put up with the 'witty' jokes. If he's not prepared to do that then he can naff off. As others have said, he's not urinating on his stuff.

Even if DP has a disorder that makes him outrageously drunk after a couple of drinks then he should really not drink. He's a total prick as he knows what happens when he drinks.

If he refuses, I'd tell him to stay at a hotel so you don't have to deal with him at all. Just not drinking is a better solution though.

I've read a lot about men getting smashed and pissing on their partner's belongings. It's never theirs, is it?

This is true actually now that you’ve said it, I’ve read of this happening on here several times and it’s always her wardrobe, her clothes, her dressing table that get urinated on, his stuff remains untouched.

And unsurprisingly he can’t replace the OP’s dressing table and contents because they have shared money so essentially she’d be paying for it herself.

He’s a total and utter loser.

It’s sounds to me like a genetic or neurological issue, either he’s not metabolising alcohol or has an underlying neurological condition that shows when he’s drunk.
I think he needs to stop drinking any alcohol. Wonder if pursuing a medical diagnosis would help him?

Eleven years with such a disgusting man?

I would have moved out the very next day. Otherwise decent man my arse.

My ex was like this and I lived on edge every time he drank which was often if I used to say anything he gaslit me into believing I was the problem and it was totally normal
my oldest took a video and posted it online once didn’t stop him he doesn’t think he has a problem as he has to be tee total for his job so that means he isn’t a alcoholic he is alone in the house now the boys know he is an alcoholic and treat him as such