He left me asleep

[GoldieLocks09]

DH and I tend to watch TV most nights when the DC are in bed. Sometimes one of us ends up close to falling asleep on the sofa, I’m pretty good at being like RIGHT, let’s go to bed if I feel myself or notice him dropping off.

DH has expressed that he loves a sofa nap, whereas I have explicitly said I hate them, I wake up in pain in my neck / back / whatever. And often struggle to get back to sleep when I go to actual bed so spend a few hours trying to do so getting more annoyed wishing I hadn’t had the sofa nap. On the very odd occasion I’ve woken up in the early hours on the sofa I feel rubbish the next day because the sleep I get on the sofa never feels like that many hours of sleep in bed.

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine at DS4’s friends birthday party. Also had a particularly busy week at work. By the time we got home both DS’s went straight to bed (luckily decent party food they both had quite a bit of). I’d done a slow cooker dinner which was fairly carb heavy, we ate that and I didn’t last long on the sofa, fell asleep pretty quickly.

DH says he did ‘try’ to wake me. But I then woke up at 4am, with a stiff neck, a full face of make up on, most lights on downstairs, dinner not tidied away, alone. I was pissed off and think he should have done more to try to get me to come up to bed.

AIBU to think this?

There’s no shame in being a lightweight! I rarely drink so I’d definitely be feeling it after 2 glasses.

I’d agree with this.
If he really tried to wake you and you didn’t stir then he’s done what he could.
I don’t have an issue with leaving the mess for someone to do the next morning. Weird he didn’t turn the lights off though!

You made the dinner - why are you also responsible for cleaning up afterwards? Some of the husbands on here are really shocking.

YABU

My DH has fallen asleep many times after a few glasses and knowing it will hurt his back and neck, I wake him and send him upstairs to his bedroom. He says all right, nods and doesn’t move. I do it again and again, and he says he will and I leave him to do so. Hours will pass, and I get up to use the loo and see kitchen light is still on. I head down and he is still there. I wake him to head upstairs and once again he will say yeah and not move. After him doing this almost every weekend for a month, I said f-k it and wake him up once and if he doesn’t move, I leave him to it. He’s an adult and I’m not dragging him like he’s a toddler up two floors for him to get in the bed. He could also choose to go up after finishing his wine and relax in bed instead , but doesn’t.

I know for you it was a one off, but if your DH tried to wake you and you stayed asleep, not his fault. If he could carry you up and you are ok with it, it be a bit different.

It's unkind because it is the nice thing to do if you love someone.

I wouldn't dream of leaving my husband asleep on the sofa when I know he doesn't like it.

But perhaps I am nicer than you.

But he did try and wake her up - you seem to be totally missing that bit.

When his attempt failed, what else do you think he should have done? Shoved her awake? Played loud music in her ear? Carried her up to bed if she wouldn't stir?

OP also says she struggles to get back to sleep once she's woken, so when she didn't stir, maybe he felt it was kinder to leave her be?

Well, he didn't try hard enough. Unless someone is dead, they will wake up if you want them to.

So if the house was on fire, you would just leave your husband there if you "tried" to wake him but "were not able to". I wonder what the police would say to that.

Yep, because leaving your partner to burn to death in a fire is exactly the same as leaving them to sleep because they wouldn't wake up when you tried to move them.

Let's be real - if a bloke fell asleep on the sofa after two large glasses of wine and a big dinner, nobody would be telling his wife she was responsible for doing the dishes, waking him and making sure he got to bed properly.

They'd be saying "He's an adult, leave him be and let him sort the dishes in the morning".

But the house wasn’t on fire so that’s a completely pointless argument.
The OP said herself that if she falls asleep on the sofa she struggles to get back to sleep when she’s in bed. If I tried to wake my DH and he was in a deep sleep, and I knew that he would then struggle to get back to sleep once in bed, on balance i’d decide to leave him be. That might make be ‘unkind’, I don’t know, but I’d say I was being pragmatic.

I think you are responsible for your own bedtime.

however, he clearly took the opportunity to not do any of the annoying ‘getting the house ready for bed’ tasks, like clearing away dinner and switching off lights. Why had he not switched off lights?!

The house definitely was not on fire 😂 if he’d have left me in a burning house I don’t think I’d be moaning on MN 😅

Well, I certainly wouldn't be saying that.

If I knew that he did not want to fall asleep, I would be waking him up because I like him.

But she already had fallen asleep. And she said that if she falls asleep on the sofa she struggles to get back to sleep in bed. So the damage to her nights sleep had already been done at the point that she fell asleep.

No, the OP said that she has made it clear that she does not like falling asleep on the sofa.

I am not sure why the OP just doesn't watch tv in bed (like I do), but she doesnt' and if my partner just left me there knowing that I hated it, I would be very upset.

And if you'd tried to wake him up and he wouldn't budge, what then?

You can't force an adult to wake up and come to bed

And she also said that if she falls asleep on the sofa, she struggles to get back to sleep in bed.
I don’t just like my husband, I love him. Adore him, in fact. But in this situation, chances are I’d leave him on the sofa too.

But again, he tried to wake her and failed. There's only so much I'd be willing to do to wake DH and get to bed.

I'm sure that makes me "unkind" according to you, but honestly, he's a grown adult (just as OP is) - he can get himself to bed.

I meant fall asleep on the sofa, not just fall asleep.

No, the OP has made it clear that she wants to be woken up but he did not wake her.

I would wake him up. If he the decided he wanted to stay on the sofa, then fine. At least I have done what he has asked me to do i.e wake him up.

Yes, but she had already fallen asleep on the sofa. So in her own words, she was already going to struggle to get back to sleep once in bed.
He tried to wake her and couldn’t. How long do you think he should have carried on trying for? Because despite loving my husband very very much, I wouldn’t be spending a prolonged time trying to wake him from a sleep he had fallen into, when I was ready for my bed too.

You would leave him there even he has asked you to wake him up if he ever falls asleep on the sofa like the OP asked her husband?

Yes it does. Unless the person is dead, you can always wake a sleeping person, just like you would if the house was on fire.

I’d try and wake him, as he’d asked. But if he didn’t wake up after a reasonable effort to wake him, I’d go to bed myself.

I mean, if the house was on fire and I was struggling to wake someone, I’d resort to throwing cold water on them or something as it’s an emergency situation. Doubt the OP would have welcomed that last night though.

Yes, but the OP has made it clear that although she struggles to go back to sleep, she would rather he wakes her up so that she does not hurt her neck.

Well, I have never known someone to be in such a deep sleep that you cannot wake them up just by shaking them. If that happens, then I hate to think what would happen if they were in a fire.