He left me asleep

[GoldieLocks09]

DH and I tend to watch TV most nights when the DC are in bed. Sometimes one of us ends up close to falling asleep on the sofa, I’m pretty good at being like RIGHT, let’s go to bed if I feel myself or notice him dropping off.

DH has expressed that he loves a sofa nap, whereas I have explicitly said I hate them, I wake up in pain in my neck / back / whatever. And often struggle to get back to sleep when I go to actual bed so spend a few hours trying to do so getting more annoyed wishing I hadn’t had the sofa nap. On the very odd occasion I’ve woken up in the early hours on the sofa I feel rubbish the next day because the sleep I get on the sofa never feels like that many hours of sleep in bed.

Last night I had 2 glasses of wine at DS4’s friends birthday party. Also had a particularly busy week at work. By the time we got home both DS’s went straight to bed (luckily decent party food they both had quite a bit of). I’d done a slow cooker dinner which was fairly carb heavy, we ate that and I didn’t last long on the sofa, fell asleep pretty quickly.

DH says he did ‘try’ to wake me. But I then woke up at 4am, with a stiff neck, a full face of make up on, most lights on downstairs, dinner not tidied away, alone. I was pissed off and think he should have done more to try to get me to come up to bed.

AIBU to think this?

Yeah you’re right. It’s quite a laugh that the op had a shit night sleep, had to get up first and sort out the mess from the night before when her supposed partner could have helped/sorted with one of those things. Definitely not in any way reflective of her husband at all though.

The OP crappy sleep is her doing though? She wasn’t forced to sort out the kitchen she chose to do it as was up first. Presumably if her DH is a shit husband she will have more concrete evidence she can share.

Life must be a minefield for people who think like you!

Sorry OP I have never fallen asleep on the sofa, if I feel tired I go to bed, if my DP chooses to fall asleep on the sofa he gets left.

Or maybe he was shattered too and just wanted to get to bed, and thought his wife would be up shortly after him, hence leaving the lights on and leaving the dishes to be dealt with in the morning?

If OP had been shattered, left the dishes in the sink and gone to bed while her husband dozed on the sofa, there's no way people would be on at her for leaving "smelly dishes and mess" everywhere - they'd be saying he was last to bed so he should have dealt with it!

I think this was the point, we’ve discussed it before..

Alcohol even just a little and tiredness can put you in a deep sleep though. Can he carry you? And if yes would you have wanted that?

Turning lights off yes, leaving you, not an issue if you are safe, clearing away dinner, if it’s late and this will create noise, wouldnt bother me if left til morning and not designated my responsibility only to sort in the morning, then yes YABU sorry

Both adults were tired, neither tidied up. It doesn't matter. It's a few plates that could be cleared up in the morning by either party.

Yesterday was my night to wash up/tidy the kitchen and living room because DH was doing bedtime. We alternate so neither gets stuck with anything all the time. However, FIL was dashed into hospital and it was me that went with him, for a variety of reasons. 7 hours in the hospital waiting room for me, DH was good enough to pick up a takeaway in time for me arriving home (having been at work all day and then collected DD and sorted the dog) and then said "leave the tidying, we'll do it together tomorrow" before heading off to do bedtime. Because I was clearly in need of a bit of time to veg out.

No one died. The plates are clean this morning. The toys went away and came out again within seconds (small child). Life was not impacted at all.

Some things don't matter once in a while.

I can see why it is horrible to wake up like that at 4am and then again at 6am under those circumstances, but really you have to look after yourself. Looking after the house is arguably both of your jobs, so you should both have decided whether you want the washing up done before the next day or whether you were happy (ish) for both of you to leave it as you were both exhausted, and then someone should have done something about it. But after that, getting yourself to bed is pretty basic and while I usually think that a lots of dads and husbands don't take enough responsibility, in this case, in his shoes, I would have felt expected to take too much. So you get to have a couple of glasses of wine and crash out at the end of the week, but he has to make everything as if you hadn't? including getting you physically into bed?

Really weird responses. I sometimes fall asleep on the sofa, my husband would never just fuck off and leave me! In this situation he’d have cleaned the kitchen then woken me up.

I can't really believe you think it's anyone else besides your responsibility here. If you can get him to think it's his responsibility, well that would be nice but it wouldn't be my world view. Sozzles

The washing up is the issue.

Ok he's not responsible for you but bloody hell if my husband fell asleep on the sofa and I knew that leaving him there would mean he'd wake up in pain how little would I have to care about him to just fuck off to bed?

I'd wake him up because I wouldn't want him to end up in pain the next day. Whether it was my job to do it or not. That's what you do when you love someone. You think about them and you care about them. And you give them a shove when they've fallen asleep on the bloody sofa.

My husband would gave done the same. I think this is a small issue but I do understand the annoyance.

I know how hard I am to wake up once I'm conked.

He tried to wake her up!

Ive had occasions where I can’t get my DH up off the sofa & into bed and many a time I’ve gone to bed before him & he’s fallen asleep on the sofa.

I love a sofa nap but I know I should go to bed instead.

My husband has tried waking me up but sometimes I am really grumpy when woken so he can't always succeed - not his fault! Ultimately I am responsible for where I sleep.

Kitchen wouldn't bother me either as we regularly tidy it the next day, esp if we've eaten late.

He did try and wake her up and she didn't stir - what was he supposed to do? Shake her until she got up? Loud music? Maybe some cold water?

The dishes are irrelevant, really - it doesn't matter that they were left overnight.

Couldn’t get worked up about this. You both crashed out without doing the dishes or the lights - you on the sofa, your DH in the bed.

You’re a grown adult FFS.

What, in particular, are you sorry about?

Why? Both adults left it for the night. It sounds like the issue was being left to sleep on the sofa

DH regularly falls asleep on the sofa watching tv. I always used to wake him up, multiple times, in an effort to get him to come up to bed. However he would become very snappy and on a couple of occasions quite verbally aggressive so I made it very clear that from then on I would wake him once, tell him it was time to go up to bed and then leave him there. After a handful of uncomfortable 3am wake ups he no longer stays on the sofa when I’ve woken him once.

You’re thinking too much of him and not enough of yourself, giving him a nudge to go to bed when he’s nodding off, you should have given yourself a nudge to go to bed yourself last night. Prioritise your own needs and leave him on the sofa, he’s a grown man, you’re not his mum, he can sort himself out.

The thing is, so many women have been brainwashed in believing they don’t deserve a bit of kindness from their husbands, that you permanently have to be on ‘full adult’ mode whilst they don’t have to think beyond themselves, that it does bring out some sniggering like on here when a woman openly says ‘he didn’t really make one token of an effort’. Even if he couldn’t wake her, he would know she would wake up uncomfortable, he could have got up well rested with the youngest at 6am, done the dishes and the op get up an hour later. There’s not one single part in this situation coming over as him going slightly out of his way to give the op a small break.

It may just be a one off, he may always be like this, but only judging from this thread I can see why the op is feeling put out.

I think he could have turned the lights off.

I frequently leave my DH on the sofa snoring. It means I get some peace before he wakes and snores next to me 🤣🤣 I used to try waking him but he'd stir, say he was coming and then go straight back to sleep, so now I just leave him and he leaves me.
I also struggle to sleep after I've slept on the sofa for a bit, but as an adult, I know I'm falling asleep so I should take myself to bed, if I choose not to, that's on me lol

Sheesh, you must know some lightweight people if 2 glasses of wine make them drunk

Well he probably did try but couldn't wake you up? That's your responsibility I'm afraid.

DH is terrible for falling asleep downstairs, when we first lived together I would try and wake him up but usually I couldn't- short of carrying him upstairs (impossible) what am I supposed to do? I just leave him to it now