Why do the hens have to pay for the bride?

[Laurendelaney1987]

DH and I married young. My hen night was a curry and then night out in local nightclub.

the last 15 years I’ve went to a mix of hen dos. What I notice is sometimes the bride wanting a big deal of a hen do (ie weekend away in a UK or European city) but it’s to be a “surprise” location (ie the bridesmaids organise and the guests end up chipping in for the prices costs)

what was wrong with just a local night out?

I was invited to a friend’s hen do last week where the initial payment was £1500!! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read the invite. That didn’t include any expenses while we were there. Needless to say I declined.

I think nowadays people have more of a disposable income, and lavish events are more common. My generation had a curry/Italian meal because 1. It was actually a treat 2. It was all people could afford.
There sounds like some great events and fun times on here, but it shouldn't exclude a friend who doesn't have the income and doesn't want to go into debt. I love the sound of the BBQ s,
Yours sounds great, @Widowedyoung83 . 🌻

The trouble is, enough people agree, so it becomes a thing, then the next woman feels the pressure.

I've just had 2. I am 51 so maybe it's my age that makes me think the same as you. But even in my circle, even my daughters, don't think they'd expect others to pay. We had a disco night in a hotel and stayed over. 55 quid a ticket with twin room or 20 quid a ticket for the evening meal and 5 hours disco. Great fun. I paid my own ticket and room. The other was a weekend away. I paid my own b and b. Mind you I didn't spend a penny on either nights as drinks were on the table at all points of the nights for Me which I did not expect but was very grateful for

True. Although I planned a hen party for my friend this summer which was INCREDIBLE if I say so myself.. (and everyone said so, but I felt bad asking everyone for £150.

I’ve just stopped going. One friend was having a weekend in London (we live far from there) with a pole dancing class, a cocktail making class, and a west end show. That was on top of transport, hotel, and meals. It was coming in at around £1k each by the time everything was added up. That was a hard no.

That's at least affordable for many, I would imagine. What did you do?

A pole dancing class?! That would put me right off!

As someone has mentioned upthread the world has changed and people no longer love locally to each other. If I'd have had my hen do in the town I was living every single one of my friends would've had to fly or get a train to mine. I didn't have room to put up 10 people so they would've booked a hotel anyway. So in that case it's more fun to go somewhere new and different. No obligation to go but everyone has always loved a weekend away (in my friends group anyway) and actively push for fun places like Ibiza, Portugal, Liverpool etc. I think it's fair to pay for the hen. Amongst 10 people it's maybe only and extra 30-50 each.

Was this abroad?

I agree OP. I went for tapas with a bunch of friends. My DH went down the local pub. Didn't ask anyone to pay for me. Had a great night...

I went on a hen to Ibiza in 2003 but we didn't pay for the bride. Her husband had a co-ed ski weekend. No one had kids to consider at that point. Plenty of people were doing this sort of thing at the time, if Ryan Aut flights were anything to go by.

This happened to me..not enough rooms booked by the bride's friend in southern France. I arrived late with another girl due to our flight being cancelled. Offered a sofa for the weekend and after arrival, it was announced we were paying for the bride too. I said no way.

Paid for the bride but I insisted on one of the rooms.

Mine was in 2022, a lunch out at a restaurant I like, then some of us carried on for drinks after.

The gathered 'hens' insisted on splitting my lunch between them, so I snuck to the bar and paid for the wine before the bill came.

I've been invited to two hens abroad in the past couple of years and have simply declined both, as have other invitees. Doesn't seem to have impacted the friendships and there was certainly no falling out over it. I went to the wedding of the first, couldn't go to the second as it was a distance away and I was heavily pregnant.

I got married in 1996 and my hen do was a long weekend in a big cottage in Devon with 9 friends. It was fab. Didn’t cost a fortune.

This comes up every now and then as a topic.

generally split between “so rude to have a holiday as a hen do” and “well we go away as a group of friends regularly anyway, just invited some extras on a normal girls trip”

basically cheap European travel combined with couples settling down later than a generation or two back means the “girls/boys” foreign holiday is pretty normal for a lot of late 20-somethings. So why not do one for your hen/stag?

if you settled down young and have only holidayed with your parents or romantic partner or your dcs, then a holiday with friends might seem extravagant. If it’s a normal thing for your friends to do anyway, then it wouldn’t seem so fancy to do one for a hen do.

Holiday cottages in Devon that sleep 9 nowadays that would be an expensive hen !! (Just been looking at uk trips for next Easter and think I might as well go abroad.)

That sounds amazing, what a great celebration of your love x

I'm with you Op! I'm currently going to a hen which is before Xmas and really dreading it cost wise. One of our best friends said she couldn't go from the onset because of money and the bride has bought it up several times, making her cry with it all. It's really not been a fun experience and makes me think my hen do which was a marquee in my mums country garden, everyone bringing one dish that was their own signature recipe ( meaning we had a buffet of Victoria Sponge, morroccan tagine, home made samosas - all sorts! ) and painting pottery with me then using my mums kiln, was a wonderful day after all. People just wore tea dresses and mum dished out blankets and old jumpers in the evening when we made toast on the chimnea and played cards. It was quite perfect actually!

Sounds amazing! You're lucky to have a country garden and a kiln at your disposal.

My husband had to spend almost 1k to attend his brother's stag do in Ibiza 😏 I was pregnant and we could really have done with saving money for baby things, but he was guilted into going by the organiser. 1k on a holiday with your friends I'd understand, but for my husband it was 1k for a holiday with his brother's friends 😅 And obviously his brother didn't have to pay because everyone else paid for him. It was insane.

Honestly really was! I was in a one bed flat at the time so didn't host much and the garden was a real novelty! X

That's really horrible.

EDITED TO SAY: I mean the bride making your friend cry because she can't attend and is worried about the money!!!

My hen do was a meal out in a place that did drinks/dancing afterwards. All local, I organised it (and a minibus for anyone that wanted it) and I paid for myself.

I am glad none of my friends had fancy hen weekends/destination weddings as we couldn’t have afforded it.